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Hi everyone,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 months now and he has had DP from the beginning of our relationship, however it seems to be getting worse as the days go on. I am trying to be very understanding and loving towards him but it is hard to when at this moment it is sort of feeling like a one sided relationship.

I feel as though I am giving 100% and he is giving 0%. I don't have any intention of leaving the relationship, however I need some advice.

I have never heard of DP before this so I have been trying to understand it while help my boyfriend at the same time.
If anyone could share some tips that I could use to possibly help him. As well as share some tips to help me stay understanding and loving towards him.
thanks!
 

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Hey Katherine!
I am someone who struggled with DPDR. I've been married for a long time now, and I knew my husband for most of my life, even before we were a couple. And still, I think it was very hard for him to be by my side all this time that I suffered, some four and a half years more or less, and to see me most of the time emotionally unresponsive to him and everyone else, and with no connection to the place where we live, or the things we used to consider our joint interests or endeavors. He has some issues of his own, and - related or unrelated to this - he is very understanding of mental health issues, and I think he realized that he has to be patient, but I imagine it was very hard.

However, I still know that it was not as hard for him, as it was for me. DPDR is a serious condition, and only because it does not have so much bad rep as some other mental health issues, it does not mean that it is easier in any way, or less serious. The disconnection or detachment is real, and it gives the person with DPDR a sense of being somehow outside of everything, outside humanity, outside the world, outside all the interaction you can possibly imagine. Not because we don't want to, but because we simply feel as if we are plugged out from the world, feeling completely alien. I would feel bad about the people I love while DPDRd, because I was not able to show the love. I knew rationally that I love them, but I was completely disconnected from my emotions.

Bottom line is, everyone is responsible for their own choices, when it comes to rs. It is not up to you to save anyone, nor will they benefit from any kind of sacrifice that you make. Be completely honest about your motives, and treat the other person as your equal, with or without DPDR. Sure, it is good to have someone to rely on, but honestly, for me - with DPDR - it was completely the same whether I was with someone or single. I felt that the struggle I had to go through completely surpasses any kind of interpersonal relation, as it was going on deep within me.

In the aftermath, I would say I am happy and glad that my husband stayed by me, because he is a good person, and also someone I hugely respect. But the thing is, DPDR was such an excruciating experience, that it changed my perspective of many things, and him being by my side or not, did not seem to make a significant difference.

Sorry if this is not the reply you hoped for. Always think of yourself first, as that is the only way to have a good life, for you and for the people around you, be clear about your motives, and help where you can, but be prepared to let go when you see that things are not going well for you. None of us can save anyone else, the best we can do is to be there if someone asks for our help, and that is all.

Best,
A.
 

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I just want to add something I've been saying for years now. And that simply is, from a DP'd perspective, it's very very beyond frustrating to not feel what one really does. The meaning of that is, those who suffer DP/DR really hate that we can't feel our emotions, in relationships. And the insight here is, this PROVES that we do have love, somewhere deep inside. Because if we really did not care, then we wouldn't be bothered about not feeling the love that we know we have.
 

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I just want to add something I've been saying for years now. And that simply is, from a DP'd perspective, it's very very beyond frustrating to not feel what one really does. The meaning of that is, those who suffer DP/DR really hate that we can't feel our emotions, in relationships. And the insight here is, this PROVES that we do have love, somewhere deep inside. Because if we really did not care, then we wouldn't be bothered about not feeling the love that we know we have.
DP is like a vaccuum that just sucks the joy out of life. In fact, I will go further and say that it sucks the life right out of life. Give him support. He needs it. The fact that he wants a relationship with you means he really cares about you, because emotions are a struggle for sufferers of DP.
 
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