Movie theaters are a lot different from a year ago, or whenever it was the last time I went. There is 1 person to take your payment for tickets, all the rest are machines. That was weird. I feel like I don't have much of a place in the world. That's okay, I know it doesn't like me either.
I had a hard time being okay sitting there, staying there being there, not scratching my nose if it itched. A few times my head and arms ticked and twitched. I want to leave so badly, and at the same time stay and keep watching the movie, which I very much enjoyed. Don't you hate it? When you the worst of times sits next to the best of times in your mind? I feel mentally wrung and hung to dry in the desert lately. I had processing appointment yesterday too. So it all balanced out. Nothing feels "right", so I just assume everything's fine, and it's just me. I am here. (sips coffee) My fear and how I feel it was reached and tapped into yesterday. I didn't feel much, but it did feel somewhat like to rage.
I don't know if what I have been doing is isolation or protection. I had my second child a year ago, we also moved 20 minutes from our regular commute last year, and since then I cut social media. I get so sick from the fakeness. from others detaching from the now sure as sugar doesn't help. I Detached pretty huge from my family. The is only one routine I regularly keep, and I struggle with going to that too sometimes. I'm getting so tired. I cut myself up the other morning just to get a little break. I don't know, there's so many factors, like hormones and deaths, past patterns of coping. But at least I made to today, I should at least get a cookie for that.