I really miss how the world used to be. The world before Twitter and smartphones. When I was young, I felt like I belonged in the 20th century, it felt right to me. The world was friendlier, more innocent, full of wonder, compassion and empathy. I dislike the world as a whole now. It feels cold, shallow, empty - a shell of its former self. I'm not sure how I can feel this way, I'm not even old. I just feel like there was a very clear dividing line, where the world quickly went from some semblance of normalcy to the state of utter lunacy we all endure now. I'm not psychic, but I have some type of minor sixth sense I suppose you could say, whereby I can sense the evil and manipulation in various aspects of society, government and the media these days. It's all fake. We're all being played, we're just pawns in other people's games, being milked for money and relentlessly exposed to corrupt organizations and industries until we can't help but fall for the lies. Conditioning, I suppose. But I see through the veil, at least somewhat, and I know I'm not the only one.
Of course, coming down with DP only made things worse. As I think how sedentary and useless I've become, I realize how far I've fallen. It's tough going from a smart, dynamic, entrepreneurial young man with hopes and dreams to an essentially housebound, brain-dead dickhead with a barely-functioning mind, crushing physical fatigue, endless spaciness and going from one major depressive episode to the next. I'm now twice divorced, I've gained 70lbs, I'm unemployed, drowning in debt, and only surviving because I am loosely propped up by those around me. But I have no desire to be a burden like this, it was not what was meant for me. It would be one thing if I was 75 and had lived a full life, but I'm 33 and supposed to be in my prime. Yet as I've said before, I'm 33 going on 93. I've struggled hopelessly for years now. I can't see the point of this type of life, and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it.
I keep looking back at things I used to do, places I used to go. I just want to go back, and am frequently overcome with nostalgia. I can't seem to move forward no matter how hard I try. The world holds nothing for me, nothing is ever enough, or satisfying. I find myself thinking of death a lot. Of whether there's an afterlife and if it's better than this. Especially when confronted with hopelessly inadequate medical and mental health systems whose only goal seems to be to pass you around like a hot potato so they can squeeze ever-more crummy appointments out of you which all comes down to, you guessed it, more money for them. Sure, I'll tell you my name, date of birth, social security number and my symptoms for the 100th time. Why not? It's not like I have anything better to do. Do I want to try this new medication? Well no, not really. I don't want to be dependent on medication, suffer horrible withdrawals when I have to come off it, or else be a total dead-head pill-popping junkie by the time I'm 35.
What I want to do is locate the source of things and tackle the root of the problem. If I have a pimple, I don't wear foundation, I pop it. Oh, fatigue you say? Well, do you want to try Wellbutrin? No, fuck Wellbutrin. I want to know why a young, (on paper) healthy man can barely lift his head off his pillow every morning and why my brain feels like it's melting. Do I have health insurance? No, why would I? So that I can pay $300 a month with a $5000 yearly deductible, which conveniently resets every calendar year. You'd probably have to break both your legs in any given year before you even hit your insurance deductible. So what's the point of it? Oh wait, so I can give bloated, corrupt companies even more money that I don't have. Did these geniuses even think of the dichotomy of being unable to work makes you unable to pay your bills? The people who need the most help are obviously the ones most incapable of paying it back. So go ahead, knock it off my credit score, making it difficult if not impossible to ever get ahead, financially.
Health, wealth and happiness. That's what people look for. And yet we have a world that seeks to rob us of that at every turn.
I always grew up believing there was a solution to everything - that any problem, no matter how big, was either temporary or could be solved. Then there's the old cliche - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What is the problem is the thing that's permanent? Did whoever dreamed up that platitude ever consider that?
I don't know, sorry for all the bullshit. I just can't take life right now.
Of course, coming down with DP only made things worse. As I think how sedentary and useless I've become, I realize how far I've fallen. It's tough going from a smart, dynamic, entrepreneurial young man with hopes and dreams to an essentially housebound, brain-dead dickhead with a barely-functioning mind, crushing physical fatigue, endless spaciness and going from one major depressive episode to the next. I'm now twice divorced, I've gained 70lbs, I'm unemployed, drowning in debt, and only surviving because I am loosely propped up by those around me. But I have no desire to be a burden like this, it was not what was meant for me. It would be one thing if I was 75 and had lived a full life, but I'm 33 and supposed to be in my prime. Yet as I've said before, I'm 33 going on 93. I've struggled hopelessly for years now. I can't see the point of this type of life, and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it.
I keep looking back at things I used to do, places I used to go. I just want to go back, and am frequently overcome with nostalgia. I can't seem to move forward no matter how hard I try. The world holds nothing for me, nothing is ever enough, or satisfying. I find myself thinking of death a lot. Of whether there's an afterlife and if it's better than this. Especially when confronted with hopelessly inadequate medical and mental health systems whose only goal seems to be to pass you around like a hot potato so they can squeeze ever-more crummy appointments out of you which all comes down to, you guessed it, more money for them. Sure, I'll tell you my name, date of birth, social security number and my symptoms for the 100th time. Why not? It's not like I have anything better to do. Do I want to try this new medication? Well no, not really. I don't want to be dependent on medication, suffer horrible withdrawals when I have to come off it, or else be a total dead-head pill-popping junkie by the time I'm 35.
What I want to do is locate the source of things and tackle the root of the problem. If I have a pimple, I don't wear foundation, I pop it. Oh, fatigue you say? Well, do you want to try Wellbutrin? No, fuck Wellbutrin. I want to know why a young, (on paper) healthy man can barely lift his head off his pillow every morning and why my brain feels like it's melting. Do I have health insurance? No, why would I? So that I can pay $300 a month with a $5000 yearly deductible, which conveniently resets every calendar year. You'd probably have to break both your legs in any given year before you even hit your insurance deductible. So what's the point of it? Oh wait, so I can give bloated, corrupt companies even more money that I don't have. Did these geniuses even think of the dichotomy of being unable to work makes you unable to pay your bills? The people who need the most help are obviously the ones most incapable of paying it back. So go ahead, knock it off my credit score, making it difficult if not impossible to ever get ahead, financially.
Health, wealth and happiness. That's what people look for. And yet we have a world that seeks to rob us of that at every turn.
I always grew up believing there was a solution to everything - that any problem, no matter how big, was either temporary or could be solved. Then there's the old cliche - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. What is the problem is the thing that's permanent? Did whoever dreamed up that platitude ever consider that?
I don't know, sorry for all the bullshit. I just can't take life right now.
