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WAR AND WORRY - Part One

CHILDHOOD
Grew up witnessing domestic violence (emotional and verbal) perpetrated by my mother against my father. Very anxious child. Very close to my grandparents whom I lost contact with when my parents and I came to Australia. Mother very punitive and critical...rewarded me for being pretty and polite and used to tell me that Im "perfect". Always felt inferior as was culturally different from kids at school. When v. young i secretly "knew" that i was very special and different to everyone else. Wanted to marry Jesus when I grew up... lol.

ADOLESCENCE
Very angry teenager. Very insecure. Threw myself into my studies with aim of University. Developed eating disorder (almost anorexic) in final year. Lived for drama (as in acting) and performed in several school plays. Loved attention. Was very assertive and stood up for myself even though was insecure.

18 - MID TWENTIES
University: Met my soul mate whom I punished severely for loving me and made his life hell. Partied hard and studied hard. Still had my eating disorder. Eventually my boyfriend broke up with me and I came back to my home town.

MID-TWENTIES TILL NOW
Got a job working with trauma victims...horrible horrible stress and emotional over involvement with clients set the scene for panic attacks.....

.....and so the nightmare begins.

After night of heavy drinking I was sitting on a bus and started trancing myself out (for fun and enlightenment). I felt my perceptions change and i thought "cool, I can leave my body now if I wanted to". Then WHAM, I felt utter fear and I felt like I really was leaving my body. I felt terrified and out of control...I felt like I was going to fly right out of my body.

I was stunned and very VERY disturbed and frightened by what happened on the bus. I worried and worried about it. A year later, I went overseas for a holiday. My holiday was off to a good start when, during the flight, I had that awful sensation again (the one where I was terrified I would leave my body). I spent a lot of my holiday battling with this feeling.

This feeling and the fear of leaving my body became an obsession, which grew worse when I returned to my very stressful job. Panic attacks well and truly began. In the end, I was having panic attacks several times a day. I had to quit my job and proceeded to have a nervous breakdown (6 months acute and chronic anxiety) and from which Im still recovering. This is how the breakdown progressed : panic attacks and constant anxiety with every known symptom, obsessive thinking, and eventually dp.

I have been working with my psych for over a year now. he is a cognitive behavioural psych who helped me to think more rationally and who gave me techniques to slowly recover. He also helped to validate me in relation to my childhood experiences and my relationship with my mother.

MELBOURNE - Part Two
I am leaving my old life behind and heading over to Melbourne where I hope to overcome my fears, to learn independence and develop SELF TRUST. I am gearing up to make the next chapter of my life more peaceful and safer than the first. Knock wood. :wink:
 

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Monika Dearie,

Wish you would write and let us all know how things are going in Melborne. Last I heard you were fine and doing well for yourself.
I do hope all continues to go well.

Write us if you still peek around the board.

Love to you,
terri*
 
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