[jc]

i feel ive pissed off a few people on this forum and i do appologize....ive promised so many people that i would stop drinking.....but the matter of the fact is im an alcoholic....ive talked it through today with neighbours,abulancemen (and women) and later a doctor....
ive also openly told my mum and dad for the first time ever.....
but to anyone that has ever been undert he impresseion that i have lied to them...im sorry

 

[dreamcatcher]

jc you havent lied to anyone......you just hadnt excepted your problem yourself.....and now you realize you have aproblem you will beable to get the help you need

 

[dreamcatcher]

double post

 

[sebastian]

Hmm...not that i doubt that you, jc, but i'm curious how much it is you drink a day, etc.

Is it not possible that you almost secretly hope that you are an alcoholic so as to have something to attribute your feelings to, other than the ethereal concept of "depersonalization"?

I also drink quite a bit, and while i would certainly say that i drink more than the average person, i would in no way consider myself an alcoholic.

peace,

s.

 

[jc]

well said...i actually binge drink im ashamed to say,which saddens me because if i had more self control i could enjoy a tipple in the evening
to the point what did i drink in the past 6 days

a small bottle of rum
a small bottle of vodka
a medium sized bottle of brandy
8 pints of i.p.a
and then i found a little treasure trove in my dads garage
48 bottles of stella...but my lifestyle smacks of alcoholismn...i was hiding bottles everywhere in my room,forgetting nights,i dont think i black out so much as i just get lost in the glow...

i have a river behind me and i filled two black bin liners with all the bottles and cans and drunkenly staggered down the garden and did my usual trick of falling down a ditch with bottles smashing and crashing.....and im covered in cuts and bruises due to the fall

days get lost i forget things...it used to be wonderful the drunken nights but now the days worry me hen i forget and today im struggling to think straight....ive spent a day ill with the embaressmnet of getting an ambulance around,and behaving like a lunatic who must have sounded like a gibbering wreck in front of my neighbour who witnessed me in bed sweating and cramping.....

i just cant do it anymore,today is the first time in my life i wanted to cry and because im quite vain in attitude im letting my gurad down in front of friends

why cant it be like life before dp wher the actual drink was felt in the physical sense and not just to add to depressed confusion////

sorry to sound like a drama queen but i seriously thought id lost the plot due to a funny (not ha ha funny)mental block..
and my text had been terrible due to red watering eyes which have been caused by the booze and pills (maybe)

 

[Brainsilence02]

Sorry to intercept.

You post concerns me although I make a completely health living.

Those things that you do (drinking, the red-eye, and all the rest), how do they make you feel when you cerebrate them? I only read quickly your post and felt terribly only imagining that I am in your case

This self-destruction procedure (that is how I understand it) seems too be too overwhelming for me to handle it (I have refered to self-destruction in my very first post). I am having very painful, alike imaginations (that I do bad/evil to myself or to other people) and it makes me feel very sick and ill (mentally and physically).

My self-destruction procude involves dodging studying and computer addiction. This may sound rediculus, but it is very painful, and I am having alike scenes like yours (only that it doesn't involve psysical damaging).

How can you stand doing this? In my case, the (mental) pain becomes so great...

And something else: is someone could give me a opinion on this what is happening to me (what I just described), I would be gratefull. I have done a post abot DP/DR-related observations, but this is way more important. I will go to doctor in a month or so, but it would be nice to have an opinion now.

I have thought that this might be actually a self-protection mechanism actually.

Thanks

 

[Brainsilence02]

An addition: this may sound way too foolish, but i think that i would feel a lot better it i knew that wouldn't drink again. No offence or no effort to dictate you intented. I feel compasion for you and I hope you find your way out. If you allow me to suggest the only solution I can find: chain yourself in a escape-drinking-organization (dont know this is called in english) untill your body asks for drink no more, and then visit a mind-doctor untill you mind has no reason to drink no more.

 

[sebastian]

mmm....48 stellas...

brainsilence: From what i could garner from your post, it seems like you have the same problem that most of us here have...we obsess over things and almost "will" ourselves to do things...against our own will, if that makes any sense. For example, we conjur up in our minds the most horrendous thoughts possible (like hurting/killing/decapitating) the ones we love, and think "O.K. This is really really bad. Whatever you do, don't think of this anymore." And then we do...again and again and again. Regular as clockwork. As has been said many times on here, you will not actually DO these things. People with mental illness that DO are very different from people with mental illness who THINK. I'm going to post later on tonight about all this, so hopefully that will help you a little more. But as i have to get going at the moment, i'll leave it at that.

jc: i binge drink occassionaly too. If i'm out on the weekends, i'll drink until the bars close (which seems to be getting later and later in toronto these days). I unequivocally regret it the next day and feel utterly horrible. But i'm also able to nurse two to three glasses of wine a night, and that has literally no effect on me the next day...just gives me a nice warm glow the night of. If you really want to hone down the drinking, i'd suggest setting a time at night that you follow these guidelines:

1. Set a time at night that you will allow yourself to start drinking (because as we both know, it's nearly impossible to stop once you start...eventually, this rule will become obsolete as you'll be able to control the pace of your drinking). Maybe start it at 6 pm, and move it up to 7 pm when you feel comfortable, until you get it to 9 pm. If you have to get up in the morning for work or something, you'll end up only consuming a few drinks a night.

2. Make sure you wake up early. If you're up early, whether you're working or not, you'll be more tired earlier on in the night and, combined with guideline 1, you'll find yourself cutting short your drinking time.

3. Do something while you drink. Don't just sit and listen to music while drinking. Believe me, that's one of my favourite pasttimes, but when you're trying to quit alcohol, it elicits feelings of invincibility and one tends to drink faster.

I actually have to go now, i'm getting those derisive looks from my co-workers again. Losers.

I'll write more tonight...

s.

 

[Brainsilence02]

brainsilence: From what i could garner from your post, it seems like you have the same problem that most of us here have...we obsess over things and almost "will" ourselves to do things...against our own will, if that makes any sense. For example, we conjur up in our minds the most horrendous thoughts possible (like hurting/killing/decapitating) the ones we love, and think "O.K. This is really really bad. Whatever you do, don't think of this anymore." And then we do...again and again and again. Regular as clockwork. As has been said many times on here, you will not actually DO these things. People with mental illness that DO are very different from people with mental illness who THINK.

I am more calm now. The only defence that seems to work is try to forget about it.

The problem with me is that I actually do those things. I am dodging homework and I (have strong reasons to believe that) I am computer addict (at least to some point). The greatest pain of it arises from the fact that I am fluctuating between actually doing those things and thinking those things.

The "invinsible" element of drinking is present in myself too. It appears mixed up with bad feelings of tollerance.

 

[jc]

i acdtually used a word twice today thats never crossed my thoughts...and that is suicide...

i was fucked utterly fucked...all i could think of when i was cramping and groaning very loudly in pain throwing up brown stuff was nick cage in the film i think its called 'leaving las vegas' where he decides to drink himself to death..

also i beileve its the pills mixed with the drink that gives me sucha band comedown

also what i had apart from the anxiety,depression mental (etreme detament) was pins and needels in my hands and a burning scalp with buzzing in my ears....

im told that im a mentalist when i drink with the pills...and that really bothers me

 

[Homeskooled]

Dear JC,
I've followed your posts for a while, and although I dont know you in real life, I think you are probably doing the right thing . I have a couple of friends who have had your problem, and I've gone to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with them to lend support. It really seems to do wonders for them, especially their meetings with their sponsor, and I recomend whole-heartedly that you attend some meetings as soon as possible. I wish you the best of luck in facing your problem, and I'm rooting for you. I wouldnt worry about using the K right now, either. In the long term, alcohol has much worse effects on your brain and your liver. The memory problems you complain of are not uncommon amongst alcholics, and its caused by the fact that alcohol wipes out your brain and liver's vitamin B stores. In extreme cases, this can cause an amnesia condition called Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. And dont worry - I've met people with it, and you dont have a possiblity of having it. In your case, though, taking some B vitamins would probably help clear away your brain fog and lift your spirits. Good luck JC!

Peace
Homeskooled

 

[Guest]

i was hiding bottles everywhere in my room,

That is a clear sign of alcoholism, JC.
Glad you acknowledge youre an alcoholic.
Only then can you start working on your drinking problems.

 

[terri*]

Hi JC,

Well, first off, you know I love ya. I have watched you struggle to the top of this disorder many times only to fall due to your problem with alcohol. I want you to know that alcoholism affects the best of people. There is no shame in it. I have seen a president of a large corporation, the top dog of the air traffic control for a large city, the head of a large salesforce and 4 close friends be alcoholics. So far four have died due to it in one way or another. I have seen them all in the gutter and worse.

I'm glad the ambulance came around for you, JC. It rattled you and made you wake up and think this is not a place you want to be. Quit for you and work as hard at quitting as you have working on the dp.

You have great people skills, JC and there is a place for you in this world. I'm just glad you're still in it.

Take the absolute best of care.
terri

 

[Guest]

oh God, I know its cheesy, but its so true...this really is the first step(if you will) to realizing you are an alcoholic. You are not a sissy for telloing everyone, if anything, you are stronger than some people on the board....and lets be honest here......who wallow in pain that they continuously inflict on themselves. also- remember that it is the ones who are PROACTIVE in getting support from this forum, that start to change. Thinking of you and anyone else here with the same problem. Good Luck and keep going. :wink:

 

[Guest]

JC, I remember one night, in where my sisters were hiding my fathers
bottles of alcoholic substance. He got enraged by it.
That showed me he was an alcoholic, although ofcourse he denied being one.
Im not an alcoholic, although I love my drinks once in a while, like tonight. I know the seduction of alcohol.
Its soothing in bad times.

Good luck!

 

[terri*]

I agree with you Wendy in that alcohol is seducing. If it were not for the fact that I became allergic to it, I can imagine I would be the kind who started drinking White Russians for breakfast, Jack Daniels for lunch and then Grand Marnier till I passed out. Although I must say, I was a happy, fun drunk...a binge drunk nonetheless.

JC, you are great. You go and get this thing done once and for all. Don't wait until you have become an old man and lost everything.

This, you can do.

terri

 

[Guest]

Terri*, that is all we need = you on massive amounts of alcohol, lol!!! (love you, just playing)

JC, my love, I'm sorry you had such a scary experience, and I'm sure you are reeling from your breakdown and crying, etc...big hug.

The key here (and I've told you this before) is sticking with something. It feels all clear right now, yes, no more alcohol, no this, no that, I'll do this, I'll confess this, etc...

very very black and white

Life, and Change, happens in shades of gray.

Tomorrow will be hard and the weeks after will be harder. IT takes patience and work and three steps forward and one back.

The main thing that alerted me to the alcohol problem in you is this: you feel horrible about yourself most of the time. When you drink, you feel BETTER than you even SHOULD (given your life situation). That's a red flag.

When people drink to pick themselves up from despair and feel Better than Good when drunk, that's a sign that the deep self-hate is getting hidden by a grandiosity of the liquor. The work involved, the work to come, is about learning to have a more realistic view of self - not horrible and not impervious. Just human.

I wish you all the best, and I love ya. I also know it will be harder than you think, because you're not used to doing things slowly and deliberately. THAT is your key. Remember it.

Love,
J

 

[sleepingbeauty]

jc, my dad and uncle are twins.. and both alkies. they are both gun owners as well. and both have at seperate times.. taken out those guns and loaded them with the full intent of ending their lives. the only times this has ever happened was during a binge. this makes binge drinking a big NO NO.

jc, the way you refer to alcohol in your posts is troubling. you give it little pet names, like a security blanket or a soft kittie. or a true love. the reason it troubles me is because thats exactly how my dad refers to his beer. its the only comfort he has.. the only thing he looks forward to.

i can tell you made this post while drunk. which of course in itself is fine.. but it also should be telling you something. it should be telling you that you dont have control over this kittie. you think its purring and cuddling but its actually clawing at you and poisoning you. your idea of alcohol isnt real. its totally false jc. but of course that doesnt stop the craving for it. you saying the 'S' word isnt far from the true reality of your situation. cause thats what youre doing to yourself jc. as slow as it may be.

youre right.. it is time to end it all. its time to take serious measures and get yourself off the booze for good. its going to be hard. but you already have tasted what its like to be free from it. i remember how good you felt when you were off the bottle. you were doing so well jc. what happened? well as far as i remember you started going to the pubs again for a little sippy and i recall you saying something like.. oh im just being social and its just once in a while.. just on the weekends. and i thought to myself.. uh oh.. here we go. sure enough jc here you are.

its not worth it my friend. time to say buhbye to the bottle. FOR GOOD.

 

[Kelson12]

JC,

It can be done! I know it. I know you can do it! I drank no where near what you drank, but in college I drank ALOT! Binge drank prolly 3-4 times a week. Continued it the summer after I graduated. Then started to cut back. Still got drunk on the weekends. My psych told me not to drink. I would go a week or so without it. But never could let go of it. Well, ya know what? I haven't drank in almost two months and I intend to keep it that way. JC...it is not helping! Please know that. It may be a quick, temporary fix. But it is NOT helping!
Just look at an image of a brain after TONS of alcohol drinking compared to a normal brain. Not good. Enough to make ya stop immediately. Hang in there. Take care.

Kelson

 

[Brainsilence02]

How can you stand doing this?

Sorry JC, that must have sounded quite stupid I ment something completely different. I know very few about drinking. I wish recovery.

The problem with me is that I actually do those things. I am dodging homework and I (have strong reasons to believe that) I am computer addict (at least to some point). The greatest pain of it arises from the fact that I am fluctuating between actually doing those things and thinking those things.

This could be mistakable. I do not actually hurt other people or myself in a physical way. I just can't avoid actions that "hurt" me.