"In a meaningless world, sanity has no more value than insanity"
I think a perceived lack of meaning or purpose in the world has a very strong affect on the development and maintenance of DP/DR, OCD, depression, and panic/anxiety. It seems to me that I may have arrived at this state (Which is not bad at all, but I fear may worsen) because of my inability to find any meaning in my life. Maybe this complete breakdown of values throws me into neurotic meanderings that then bring on DP/DR and anxiety. As the above quote demonstrates, even when I feel "normal", I don't value that normalcy. Not in the way I should, normalcy is simply an escape from mental pain. It doesn't bring any joy, happiness, or value in and of itself. I often find myself not caring if I slip back into obsessive states, anxiety states, or DP/DR when I'm normal.
Being normal is boredom. Boredom because it brings no joy or excitement. I will myself out of anger ("fuck it, make me DPed again...I Don't care, my life doesn't mean anything....normality holds no value over suffering") back into an anxious state of mind. Other times I don't welcome it necessarily but have absolutely no will or motivation to extend the effort it would take to control my mind and keep it from wandering. Both states are states of suffering. Its just that one (Anxiety, DP/DR) is a more dramatic state of suffering.
I have a very profound fear of insanity and loss of control. I dont want to lose control or become insane, that is ridiculous. Its simply a situation where even a normal existence seems to be a meaningless void. It lacks form or purpose, it seems like chaos and randomness. I have no will, no motivation to live my life. I also have no will to end it. So I exist as a mechanical being, playing out routines that were programmed long ago. There comes a point when you cease to "see" anything because you no longer have to see. You're body knows what to do, and how to do it, by rote memorization. And the more that routine takes its hold, the more the world dissappears.
I think a perceived lack of meaning or purpose in the world has a very strong affect on the development and maintenance of DP/DR, OCD, depression, and panic/anxiety. It seems to me that I may have arrived at this state (Which is not bad at all, but I fear may worsen) because of my inability to find any meaning in my life. Maybe this complete breakdown of values throws me into neurotic meanderings that then bring on DP/DR and anxiety. As the above quote demonstrates, even when I feel "normal", I don't value that normalcy. Not in the way I should, normalcy is simply an escape from mental pain. It doesn't bring any joy, happiness, or value in and of itself. I often find myself not caring if I slip back into obsessive states, anxiety states, or DP/DR when I'm normal.
Being normal is boredom. Boredom because it brings no joy or excitement. I will myself out of anger ("fuck it, make me DPed again...I Don't care, my life doesn't mean anything....normality holds no value over suffering") back into an anxious state of mind. Other times I don't welcome it necessarily but have absolutely no will or motivation to extend the effort it would take to control my mind and keep it from wandering. Both states are states of suffering. Its just that one (Anxiety, DP/DR) is a more dramatic state of suffering.
I have a very profound fear of insanity and loss of control. I dont want to lose control or become insane, that is ridiculous. Its simply a situation where even a normal existence seems to be a meaningless void. It lacks form or purpose, it seems like chaos and randomness. I have no will, no motivation to live my life. I also have no will to end it. So I exist as a mechanical being, playing out routines that were programmed long ago. There comes a point when you cease to "see" anything because you no longer have to see. You're body knows what to do, and how to do it, by rote memorization. And the more that routine takes its hold, the more the world dissappears.
