[Guest]

everyone has a "relationship" to his/her own illness. And it's usually pretty illuminating if you can really look at it in harsh light.

Here's a little about me and my former intimate other:

I hated it, most days. And I blamed it for everything wrong in my life.
If anyone else criticized it, I defended my relationship with it. I talked about it like it was an abusive spouse...."I know I need to get rid of him, but I'm working on it....I have to surrender to his demands for right now...look, you may not understand, but I know him and I'm doing what I need to do for me..." I wasn't open to hearing anyone's suggestions (beyond just lip service) because I KNEW my cruel mate inside and out (so I said, and so I thought). No one could really be of any use to me except to offer sympathy. I was alone in my hell and I understood why I needed to be so careful all the time, and to protect myself constantly....and I refused to listen to anyone's ideas that I just might be PROVOKING him into his nightly violence. They didn't understand. Nobody understands us. Slam door. Hang up phone. Lost friends. Me and my abuser, alone again, as always.

When I was with other people, I talked about him all the time. I looked for sympathy, but didn't want to hear if anybody sounded arrogant or condescending. Everything I planned took him into account. Everything I did was after deferring to how it might affect him. And if anyone else said I was doing something wrong, I was irate. No one understood us. No one.

Was I provoking him? Of course. Did I egg him on when I was feeling brave? of course. Was I addicted to the vying for control and power games we had played so long? Sure. Did I really mean it when I sobbed in terror and pain though? When he went too far and hurt me too bad? of course. I wasn't a hypocrite. I was, however, deeply invested in my victim status and determined to one day WIN a fight with him, instead of doing everything I could to look elsewhere for a life. I was "hooked' - waving the taunting red flag in his face once my wounds healed, then sobbing on the floor in a heap of innocent victim when he hurt me.

(just for a reality check, I was never abused, lol....the above is a metaphor. It's the dance I did with my dp and anxiety and obsessions. For 20 years. Just food du thought).

And I KNOW you will write angry posts and say I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THIS HORRIBLE DP! Please read the post again. I didn't want to have mine either. But I didn't seem to want to do what I needed to do to change, either.

Just give it some thought sometime.

 

[Guest]

Dont have anything useful to say, Janine, except that we are afraid of ourselves...lol :shock:

 

[Guest]

Ain't it the damn truth, lol....very well said, Wendy.

:wink:

 

[terri*]

Insight and realization of self are so powerful against this doomed "relationship". Very, very hard to see at times. Like being codependant to your mental illness, kind of, huh?

As always, enjoyed reading your writing. Such a smart cookie you are.

terri*

 

[Guest]

Terri (with an asterisk) wrote:

Like being codependant to your mental illness, kind of, huh?

And there you have it.
You be pretty darn smart yerself.

Love,
J

 

[lone wolf]

I definitely recognize myself in Janine's post regarding the emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and am happy he is only an ex now (God I hate that guy still, and feel good by feeling that way indeed).

However, I can't see the metaphor of an abusive relationship correct regarding my DR. I don't defend my DR if I'm talking about it with others, neither do I blame on it if I happen not to pass some exam or find a summer job for example. I feel I have nothing to hide and I am open to any insights regarding my DP, the causes of it and how to recover. I believe I'm honest to myself saying that. Rather than an abusive relationship, I could compare my DR to a relationship with one friend of mine, with whom I have accidentally broke up (both of us were burned out at that moment), whom I still care, but can't connect with her, cuz can't get her address anywhere.

The relationship with the friend of mine is like my life before DR, and I see the distance in between us like my DR - it separates me from her like DR separates me from experiencing life without the glittering icy wall. I wouldn't have wanted to brake up with the friend of mine, as I really loved her and still love her, but couldn't do anything for the incidents that led us into this situation. If I could know that she is happy in her life now, I might rather know it than get rid of DR, as I have learned to live with this separating icy wall like I have had to learn to live with the separating distance in between me and the dear friend of mine from my high school days and many years after that.

But I can't get her address, as she has made it secret. I even do not know is she alive anymore, bc she had tried to commit suic*** in her past bc of severe depression. In this way I guess my DR is totally different from the separation from my friend, because I can't do nothing to get to know where and how is my friend nowadays - but I hold the key, which could open up the door out of my icy cage of DR. I have the power to do that at least. I just don't know yet, where to find the key and how to open up the door with it... I wish I'll figure it out with time.

 

[person3]

You would defend Mr illness because you needed to have him. you needed someone that no one would understand, that you could go to and ask for things that would be unreasonable of anyone else. Especially someone you truly cared for. you probably taunted and picked on your illness too, as much as he hurt you, you probably had your moments of cruelty with him too.

Maybe, in a way, you hurt him too just as much as he hurt you.
Other beings will usually only lash out violently when provoked and made to feel endangered or insulted.

maybe in feeling like you could have your way with him or master him, he was insulted.

maybe in feeling like you could control him or poke at him or meet him halfway and then withdraw yourself, he felt threatened. and he lashed back.

maybe the dp is not some disease made to just get rid of like a beast but something that we CANT give up until we realize we don't love him anymore and can live without him and when we realize we never actually loved him, we only wanted to use him for status and company.

And...

not only all that.

but i have had actual relationships just like this. and relationships where i could tell the other person they didn't understand because I had DP, and that they should be more respectful because i had this, and even relationships where I felt since the other person had similar symptoms we could RELATE and really be closer together.

No. We were cheating on each other with our own neuroses. We would approach each other but then go back to DP. We didn't really love each other. we would come out and use each other when we were so SICK of the DP's nagging (because affairs are hot and passionate) but then we would go back to the old nag, our one true love. Or maybe It was just me and he had something else. Neither here nor there I guess.

Funny, I didn't read this thread until now. And I made that fears are wishes post...and you beat me to the whole subject by over ten days and several years.. grr...

this is so much like my real life relationships it's not even funny. why do i like the pain? why is it so easy? why should i stand up for that? i don't know. but it's so goddamned seductive.

 

[flowingly]

well written, person3