maybe ill look at the root of things.

so i want to start by saying that when i was younger i would be sitting on my bed staring at my hands, not completely focused on my hands but very internalized, i would say to myself in my mind wow im a creature that is self aware, how come i wasnt born a stupid lizard, or born a tree that stays in one place even when winter freezes over? and i never thought much of that, but i think it was a huge part of who i was and fitting in. I didnt have symptoms of derealization really at those times, although i used to think to myself "there is so much, yet i could also beleive that there is nothing" like of just all the objects in the world. Also imagining the world as just a white slate nothing there, maybe the universe. idk i never really told anyone that so i thought i would.

having dp/dr its hard for me to understand that these things i feel are simply a coping mechanism for emotional trauma or not.

sometimes i think to myself wow if i just didnt feel anxiety as much as i did, i could have turned out alright.

if i didnt worry about my mom being gone all day.

if i didnt worry about my neice being abducted.

if i didnt worry about dying, going to hell, or demons.

if i didnt worry about terrorist attacks, or bombs going off.

if i didnt worry about just alot of things i could fix myself.

but these things only surfaced when i was 17.

i always was a worrier but idk.

its just hard to accept you know?

because reality and conciousness is really all we have.

i mean we cant fathom another place to be either than our own bodies.

but i just wanted to say goodnight, and that i hope everyone is relaxing. and being chill.