I have always considered myself mildly neurotic. I remember at the age of six or seven imagining seeing scarey things in my room and screaming for my parents. I can't actually remember seeing things, hallucinating as such, but my parents thought otherwise and still do till this day. I just thought I had whipped myself up into a frenzy about the horrors I was thinking about.
I've experienced isolated feelings of 'doom' for as long as I can remember, but never panic or DR/DP until I took drugs. More of that later. I've also had Sleep Paralysis and OBE'S since I was a child (I remember waking up one day with my face pressed against the ceiling!). During my late teens I started to have espisodes of guilt, thinking I was the worst person alive. But I had lots of friends, girlfriends, was deemed as socially adept...etc. But I always knew there was 'something wrong' with me. My mother thinks I am an extremely angry man...for reasons either too obscure or too obvious.
Then at university, 13 long years ago, I suffered my first panic attack after taking weed. Over the next two weeks I developed DR, which blossomed into full-blown chronic DR/Panic for over a year. Fortunately, I only ever experienced DP when in the midst of meg-ultra-panic. My 'only' symptoms were classic DR - that the world felt alien, strange, bizarre, like I was looking through a plastic bag. Anyway, over about a year, without any medication or help, the DR just faded away. Just slowly faded away, until one day I woke up and realised that I hadn't worried about it anymore.
Move forward eight years. In the meantime I have made loads of money, had a fantastic life, travelled the world, etc etc, then....I over-did it with 'e' (MDMA). Boom - another Panic attack and another year of DR to look forward to. Sometimes the DR was so bad I literally thought I had lost my mind. Luckily, I discovered the pleasures of diazepam. The relief was astonishing. But, of course, for short periods. So, for a year I took Diazepam on and off, and eventually, once again, the DR faded away.
However, both of these experiences have scarred me deeply, in ways I'm not sure I understand. I have been left prone to anxiety (I'm constantly 'on edge), reckless with alcohol, women, booze, and just about everything else. You couldn't imagine some of the situations I get myself in to. I have loved and lost everything I could have wanted, and now, slowly, and trying to put my life back together.
I do not have DR or DP, and I don't expect it to return. However, I'm, well, messed up. Why, how ? I don't know. I feel in some ways that my experiences have left the trapdoor open to parts of my mind that should be closed, and whatever lurks down there creeps out from time to time and messes up my life. However, I am responsible for my life, for what has happened to me, so I'll just get on with it.
I've experienced isolated feelings of 'doom' for as long as I can remember, but never panic or DR/DP until I took drugs. More of that later. I've also had Sleep Paralysis and OBE'S since I was a child (I remember waking up one day with my face pressed against the ceiling!). During my late teens I started to have espisodes of guilt, thinking I was the worst person alive. But I had lots of friends, girlfriends, was deemed as socially adept...etc. But I always knew there was 'something wrong' with me. My mother thinks I am an extremely angry man...for reasons either too obscure or too obvious.
Then at university, 13 long years ago, I suffered my first panic attack after taking weed. Over the next two weeks I developed DR, which blossomed into full-blown chronic DR/Panic for over a year. Fortunately, I only ever experienced DP when in the midst of meg-ultra-panic. My 'only' symptoms were classic DR - that the world felt alien, strange, bizarre, like I was looking through a plastic bag. Anyway, over about a year, without any medication or help, the DR just faded away. Just slowly faded away, until one day I woke up and realised that I hadn't worried about it anymore.
Move forward eight years. In the meantime I have made loads of money, had a fantastic life, travelled the world, etc etc, then....I over-did it with 'e' (MDMA). Boom - another Panic attack and another year of DR to look forward to. Sometimes the DR was so bad I literally thought I had lost my mind. Luckily, I discovered the pleasures of diazepam. The relief was astonishing. But, of course, for short periods. So, for a year I took Diazepam on and off, and eventually, once again, the DR faded away.
However, both of these experiences have scarred me deeply, in ways I'm not sure I understand. I have been left prone to anxiety (I'm constantly 'on edge), reckless with alcohol, women, booze, and just about everything else. You couldn't imagine some of the situations I get myself in to. I have loved and lost everything I could have wanted, and now, slowly, and trying to put my life back together.
I do not have DR or DP, and I don't expect it to return. However, I'm, well, messed up. Why, how ? I don't know. I feel in some ways that my experiences have left the trapdoor open to parts of my mind that should be closed, and whatever lurks down there creeps out from time to time and messes up my life. However, I am responsible for my life, for what has happened to me, so I'll just get on with it.
