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My mind is out of control. All throughout the day and especially at work I'm like having imaginary arguments with people in my head. Like... thinking of people I'm pissed at and what I'm gonna say to them if I see them, and what they might say back, etc. And then these are interrupted by "I just wanna fucking kill myself" or "leave me alone!" or "kill me now", "make it stop".... Or I'll dwell on my existence and the whole world's existence and then I start to really freak out so I'm like telling myself don't think about it, think of something happy. But I can't my mind is just running away. My DP has gotten worse lately. The days at work go by so, so slow. And I count down the hours til the end of the day, and the days til the weekend, but then I have to start counting again Monday. And it's weird the days go by slow, but the months go by fast.... like I keep thinking it's September still. And years, even faster... I'm gonna be 23 soon. It pisses me off cuz I wish I was 5!!! Cuz I was happy then... my sisters and cousins will talk about old memories and I get so sad. And they talk about they're lives now and are actually happy with them and I just don't get it. I want to be happy with my life now, I want to look forward to something. I'm stuck. I'm trapped!

I have so been where you are! You will get better. You just got to stop fighting this thing & trying so hard to get better. Your mind needs a rest it doesn't want you controlling it.

I'll tell you some of my experience hopefully it will help some people. When this first started for me I started with panic attacks & then I had songs & jingles stuck in my head & then I had images of me throwing axes, putting a gun to my head, hanging myself etc - basically my mind was telling me it wanted out. All it did was frighten me more. I tried to control it. I tried to say no I want to look at the trees while I'm driving not imagine I am sticking a lethal injection into my arm. The more I tried to bring reality in by talking to myself the worse it got.

This is when pills came in handy & explanation of what was happening from the psych.

You are just sending yourself mad. I know cause I have done it & still at least once a week get caught up in the mind games.

Stop thinking about the past. You need to focus on the future & what you want to achieve. Have that picture in your mind & strive for it.

peacedove,don't you just hate those imaginary conversations.So many nights I've lost hours of sleep with this sort of thinking,it wears you down.

Sorry you feel trapped,it's a rotten feeling.A psychiatirst once told me that to feel there is no hope,is a sure recipe for depression.

What can I say except that I hope soon things will improve.I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet,you are so young and none of us has a crystal ball.Life has a way of changing.

All the best Shelly
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