made huge progress i think.

after 2,5 years of my second bout of dpdr, i made huge progress i realized.
first recognized which impact anxiety alone had on my mental and physical wellbeing. you can read all of my posts back to the beginning of 2020. everything began with the thinking of becoming schizophrenic. later on i got used to the fear or perhaps i got numb to the fear. and i didnt think anymore of schizophrenia, and today im 99% sure, that it wont happen to me. every single symptom in my mind or body, started just with the slight idea of "maybe i will become indeed schizophrenic". the reason for that is, when i got in 2011 first time dpdr, my doc said to me, that what im experiencing is the beginning of schizophrenia. since that day im actually waiting for the psychosis coming. but not (yet). i realized many aspects of my personality in therapy. that i was never happy with myself without dpdr anyway. which impact the bullying i suffered in my childhood had have on my traits, and how emotional sensitive i always was. i was aware of everything but i didnt have a name for those phemonenons. the last days, i got obsessed with people who never recover. and why they dont recover. but again to realize that thinking about it is completely no sense.

sure, nothing is like before 2020. i dont have the emotional connection to people or things i used to have. i still have depressive symptoms, and im lazy as fuck. im veeeryy lazy. but still, can do my tasks. can work. can be there for my babygirl. we will marry soon. so it is okay i think. my next goal will be to taper my zoloft. i know a great amount of the panic and anxiety ive suffered can come back after it. but i need to manage them otherwise. because i am noticing very well how the medication is impacting me (especially my physical wellbeing) in a weird kind. hashimoto is fucking me up lately a lot. i gained 40 kg weight.

another thing is, at the beginning my english was not that good . with reading and responding here and at other english platforms as well (but mainly here) my english improved greatly.

so if need to sum up everything, i would say that i got used to every symptom, and i dont notice much of them anymore. its kind of in the background. only thing is i miss the joy of the little things like listening to music or eating a food, but sometimes it can still make fun.