[nayashi]

I was wondering what you people thought on the subject of love and romance. I find it near impossible for me to hold any sort of romantic relationship with anyone, and I prefer to be alone. I think this has a lot to do with my DP, and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same.

I was recently asked out and I accepted, but then called it off...Then went to senior ball with him....then dumped him again. We both decided if it was best if we were just friends. I think a lot has to do with the fact that I don't have a shred of respect for the poor kid, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't know myself well enough to hold a relationship like that, and I also have other dissociative symptoms that we all know are oh so much fun.

Also he put being dumped and being molested on the same scale, saying they were equally as traumatizing.

Hmm....

Is it weird that I have absolutely no desire for a romantic relationship, or is this normal for us?

 

[Rektchordz]

ive had dp since i was 14, and the only relationships ive had have been when ive had dp. Im always looking for a new gal, altho my dp is really bad these days, there is a slight lack of emotion i think thats more me coming out of the teenage era. At this point in my life im quite happy with being single as long as ive got a couple on the go :lol: , completely alone is shit, and i feel can really highten many symtoms. Also when u first meet someone u really like, i find things like the whole voice issue goes away cus ur concentrating on not looking a twat and inpressing rather than the usally loserish thoughts about ur voice not sounding right. peace jamie

 

[squish_is_me]

Funny you should post this! I am actually in the midst of splitting woith the father of my children and am devistated! I love him and my children more than anything! I am trying to accept this is just the way it will be. The thing I am having just as hard of a time copping with is the fact that I will be alone! Though I believe I am DR not DP... if that makes a difference. I will be living with my childrent but otherwise no other adults or anything! I am having a really hard time with this! I hate being alone and on top of that I have always lived with someone! It feels weird to think I cant expect someone comming home! That I dont have someone to be close to! hmmm... am I alone in this?

 

[Inflammed]

I'm a love junkie, so, my answer is no.

I'm alot better when I'm in love, DP even fades away at some point.

 

[Ben]

Nayasha,

First off, this guy could simply not be what you're looking for - after all, if he thinks being dumped is on the same scale as being molested he's probably not very good for you anyway (he doesn't sound very stable). Maybe you're just choosing wisely.

Second - are you absolutely sure that you actually _want_ a relationship at this stage of your life? Perhaps you have convinced yourself that you SHOULD want one, but you might not, actually (or maybe someone else, or society, has convinced you that you SHOULD want one). I got married because I thought I _should_, not because I wanted too - and I got divorced two years later (it's a long story, but that is the short and simple of it). Maybe you just don't want anything deep at the moment and you're happy with simple/shallow/fun relationships and nothing more (there's nothing wrong with that in my opinion) - or perhaps you don't want a relationship at all.

At this stage of my life I don't want to connect with someone on an incredibly deep level or fall in love or what-have-you because it would be a waste of time for me - it would be more annoying than fulfilling to have someone suctioned to me. I want my privacy and I want to get the things done that I want - it's my time and nobody else's and I like it that way.

....maybe you only think you want one and it's getting you buggered up 'cause deep down inside it's not really want you want.

 

[jamieayres]

Im in a strange situation where i feel i would be better off without my girlfriend...who i think love, long story but i have a sneaky suspicion her putting me through the emotional wringer a few times triggered my DR, but i also have a fear of being by myself. Even tho i i prefer to be myself as i then i can get on with the serious business of going round the bend. Hmm..actually i think its more i want to be wanted as opposed to want to fearing being single.

So in summary, its not weird you want to be by yourself...im not even sure thats the case, it sounds like you just dont like this dude. But us lot are contrary beings who most the time have not got a flying fuck of a clue what we want or what will fufill us.

p.s sorry if the above made no sense, its 2am and i am feeling mindfucked tonight

 

[peaceboy23]

This is an interesting thread for me, because I've been thinking a lot about loneliness and my dp/dr. I had mentioned earlier that my dp/dr has been a lot worse recently and I think that part of it is because I've been feeilng so alone recently. I haven't really dated anyone in two years, maybe even longer, because honestly I dont' think i've even had a real relationship. Part of it is because of a lack of variety here where I live (not a large community of gay people) and part of it is because i'm a wuss when it comes to asking people out and all that. (The DP does get worse when I'm talking to someone I like, but I imagine this is fairly 'normal' dp, becasue you are scared/anxious all that.) However, I do feel a lot less dp/dr when I am with someone, especially when there is physical contact. I think part of the problem with everything for me is when I'm alone, i get way too much time to think.
However, the self doubt comes a lot when I think about relationships, because I can't possible imagine WHAT i'd do with someone after we'd been dating. That's more the OCD and anxiety...i can't imagine what we'd talk about, what we'd do, then all that.
So to bring this back around, I don't think not wanting a relationship is dp/dr per se, but it can affect it because when we are in a dr/dp state it is harder to connect with someone, much less feel good about ourselves, which is important in a relationship.

 

[samantha]

Maybe each person?s experience is unique to them. I am 30 and suffering from dp and dr. I do not know myself at times and worry that the lack of inner connection and spirituality means I cannot bond with anyone in a love situation or otherwise-their presence is always distant and shifts in and out of focus. When I sense the detachment I feel towards my children, the guilt is almost unbearable. I know what I should see and feel; the roads steep, it gets steeper, the river flows harder, the bank gets further as reality slips away. Please tell me what?s going on, why doesn?t anyone help me? Who cares: no one now not even me?

 

[Ben]

.....hmmm. I just read through my post this morning (to see the other reasponses) and I guess I wanted to clarify a point right quick.

I want to make sure nobody out there thinks I believe a deep and loving relationship is a bad thing - for it's not, in fact, it's a great thing and a thing that many, many people want. My point behind posting what I posted is in saying that at this stage of my life it's NOT what I want - and that society has a way of making you feel guilty for that being the case (sometimes) - and that sometimes we ought to look beyond that and see that, at times, it's best if we ARE single and enjoy singlehood (at least for a while).

I didn't want anyone coming back accusing me of being a bitter jerk because of my divorce. Quite simple: live you life the way you want and the way you feel the least regrets - and if being in love at this point isn't want you want - then just don't do it.

 

[Ben]

Samantha,

I do not know myself at times and worry that the lack of inner connection and spirituality means I cannot bond with anyone in a love situation or otherwise-their presence is always distant and shifts in and out of focus.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I don't believe that DP/DR means you cannot bond with anyone, but that it means it's going to be more difficult. You may have a challenge ahead of you to bond with people on a deep level for many reasons - partly because of the constant wavering of their person in your mind (due to DP), and partly because of the uncomfortable feelings that go along with anxiety, depersonalization, derealization in general. The trick here is small steps - try to introduce yourself to love/sex relationships slowly if it's uncomfortable, but don't halt your progression towards them if it's what you truly want.

When I sense the detachment I feel towards my children, the guilt is almost unbearable.

Guilt is a disastrous thing - and this is something you had best work on if you're going to move ahead, in my opinion. Why do you feel guilt? Guilt implies you've done something wrong, but you haven't as you have a disorder you cannot help that is getting in the way of those you love. Feel unfortunate, feel upset, feel dissapointed and work against it - but please don't feel guilty; that won't help a damn thing.

Please tell me what?s going on, why doesn?t anyone help me?

I don't know what's going on exactly - I have an inclination you have DP, and an inclination you have deeply rooted guilt associated with it, and a strong inclination you might be wound up about these things, but I don't understand everything about you - only you can achieve that. Unpeel it like an onion - take away the outer layers first and work your way down.

Why doesn't anyon help you? Well - we are trying, so that statement doesn't make sense.

 

[samantha]

Ben, thanks for thinking of me. As I said each person is different; I seem to have lost touch with my inner self and therefore reality is a distant speck on the horizon at times (most of the time to be honest). At present it is impossible to let anyone in close, I think this is because I am scared (of everything maybe and what lies beyond?). Both a psychiatrist and healer said I was OK underneath, I just cannot find the necessary energy to iniate some change inside and my perception of the world outside-I don't know if I am too scared to look reality in the eye?. I just seem to be so comfortable living in a complete emotional vacuum, or at least I cannot now imagine what it is like to live in any other way. As far as my children are concerned, there is GUILT-I am distant and just not there for them in the way I should be. I cannot help this, but it does not help (I am crying now as I think about it). It's really a positive feedback system: dissociation>guilt>stress.dissociation etc etc.
Thanks for your post, I am in a sort of living hell at the moment.

 

[Ben]

As far as my children are concerned, there is GUILT-I am distant and just not there for them in the way I should be

But that's exactly my point - the way you are damning yourself right now for this is unconstructive. Yes, it would be better if you were not the way you were right now, and it would be better - much better, in fact - if you didnt have DP standing in between you and your children; however, it's not your fault.

Guilt is a sign that you're down on yourself for doing something nasty, wrong or just plain evil - and you haven't (are you intentionally doing this?). You made my point with that statement - ease up on yourself; it's very possible the DP could lessen when you do this too. Now, you may say "Ben - you don't have kids, and you don't understand", but I do understand as my marriage was killed because of the stress this disorder (and others I have) put on it - but, I do not feel guilt because of it. I feel upset, sad, frustrated, and perhaps a bit miffed that things got the way they did and that I contributed to it - but I do not feel guilt.

Yes, I don't have kids - but, I have been a kid before to parents who had a lot of guilt. Their guilt - and the things they did to overcome it: spoiling, pampering, reality-hiding - did nothing but negatively affect me.

You're fine. Don't feel guilty.