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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My best friend and I are always discussing love. I'm the cynic of course and she's all about romance and love. She claims she loves this guy she's been with for about 4 years yet she cheats on him with this other guy who she says is her soul mate but she can't have. The guy she's cheating with is the one she really wants but she stays with the other guy so as not to be alone. She admits to all of this. Yet all the while she claims to love her boyfriend. I told her she is trying to convince herself she loves him so she won't feel lonely. Because she can't have the guy she really wants. So... my question is, have you ever been in love, can you describe it, and what do you think love is? Because for me, romantic love is very hard to attain and very rare. One of the only true romantic loves I know of is my grandparents. They are each others everything.

I have a tendency to compare love to the love I feel for my family. For my brother and mom and dad, I would do anything for them. Anything. I would always sacrifice my own happiness for their happiness. This to me is love. But with romantic love, there just always seems to be so much jealousy and selfishness that it is almost impossible to have that kind of love in a "relationship". So I guess there are different kinds of love. But even though romantic love is a different kind of love, because it almost has to be, we expect that kind of love from our partners. Even though its impossible. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe in true love in relationships, I just believe it is very hard and people toss the word around too much. I'm pretty much rambling, but thought it would be interesting to see what other peoples takes on love are.


To be honest, love terrifies me. And then I dont only mean the friendship kind of love, but real love. I cannot handle people coming (too) close. I always thought I could, but when I really care about someone, and love them, it gets tricky for me. Or when they love me, its almost impossible to get close to me.
I found this out through being in therapy. Love to me is connected with pain, or abuse, or rejection.
But the thing is, in order to heal, I need love. So, a huge dilemma and Scary!!lol

I think I dont know what Love is really and this is also a very confronting discovery (although I have experienced it a couple of times and thought: well, this must be Love! It WAS!).
At the moment Im not upto any kind of closeness/bonding with a significant other. I need to heal more wounds first myself. Then maybe, I can. At least thats what I think. So Im not looking for it, but who knows.
I hope I can find someone special to share my life with though, and that I will be able to let me be loved. Loving others is not a problem for me, although yes, it is scary.

It took me some time to gather my thoughts on this, Enngirl. Maybe I didnt reply to your original post fully, but this is how far Ive come today. Good topic. 8)

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
No Wendy, I wasn't really looking for a specific reply. Just mainly rambling and interested in others thoughts.

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I think don't think there is such a thing as "soulmates." I do believe in love though and finding a kindred spirt. I think it is very rare to find one person who will be right for you for the rest of your life. I don't mind when I hear my friends say, "he's the one." I just say, "yes THE ONE for now."

I am currently in a relationship and if my boyfriend can stick by me through this breakdown, I will most defineately know it is love.

I fear he will lose his patience soon though. I don't really blame him.

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that sounds more like control than love. apparently love can't be controlled. so sometimes people are scared of love and make scenarios where they're like "see! i'm in love, but with no real risk of loss!" to stay safe.

your friend doesn't have to make you a cynic about love. I believe it does exist, but not necessarily in the form experienced by most 15-25 year olds.

scattered LOL obviously a true romantic.

You might be closer to the truth than some of us what to know about.

I recall watching a TV series about why we are attracted to particular people and not others.
All sorts of primitive behaviour is going on but naturally we humans assume it's much more complex.
Mostly it's got to do with choosing a good breeding partner.

I've often been amused as to why some men are attracted to women who look like they could be their sister.
Apart from being a possible narcissist it's got to do with the man being confident that having children with this woman will carry on his lineage.

Sorry enngirl hardly answers questions about the L word.

Why not look to the poets.

Kahlil Gibran
"Speak to us of Love."
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart,"
but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Love is indeed a defense mechanism.

There is that poem in the bible that has a line that sais "love is selfless" or some bullshit like that. That is BS itself. Love is a bit selfish. While we may want to truly love the person and we do things to the person that are called "acts of love" to make them feel good, we are really doing it to benefit ourselves and to protect ourselves from negative feelings. And we also to do it to boost our spirits in a world that crushes the soul.

Everything in the body and soul is just something to protect us from the big bad lion outside the cave.

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Well, I find guys that I've dated, if their mom is blonde, they want a blonde and if she's brunette they want a brunette. It's kind of funny. The fact is, love is just a word and a concept, so why do we try to attach so much meaning to it? I was talking to my friend, and I was like, "We're so obsessed with this word. Does he love me? If he loves me then everything is ok. I just want to know he loves me." So what if he loves you. What difference does it make really? I'm sure most of us have heard this quote, "Even though he doesn't love me the way I want, doesn't mean he doesn't love me with all he's got." To me, that quote is a prescription for a fucked up relationship. But I'm biased because I first heard the quote by a woman online in a really bad relationship.

So girls date their brothers and fathers, and men date their moms and sisters. This was always interesting to me. What do you guys think of this? I half way see it as true and half way see it as not true at all. Same goes for us finding someone that's good to have children with. I don't know about that one.

actually enngirl it isn't true of all males as my son loves dark haired,dark skinned girls.I'm blonde,blue eyed and fair(celtic skin).
He had a part Balines girlfriend for a couple of years(she was my fav).

My daughter likes them blonde but she's a dark brunette and her Dad is too.

Myself I go for the opposite,just like my son.My boyfriend has black hair and brown eyes.

Many say opposites attract.

I don't know waht the scientist say about this LOL

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What I look for in a guy:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

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The last time, actually, every time, a woman has said to me that they loved me (excluding the women in my family) I have looked at them and thought, actually, knew, that they were completely insane.

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Unfortunately, Scattered is absolutely spot on.

Still, doesn't make this mysterious love any less real than any other emotion, and to act on it for the better or worse. Besides, people feel love in different ways...the knee shaking romantic type is either life-long companionship, or a teenage hormonal crush.

I'm like Harvey Pekar. I'll take just about any woman that'll have me. Also like Mr. Pekar, I think there's an imbalance in the chemicals in my brain.

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
in Sandman: The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman
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