A pool, sitting comfortably along the gentle surface of a material that does nothing to disturb the fluidity of the liquid. Liquid gently flowing over time from the upper opening of a living corpse, yes that?s you, you lifeless clunk of matter. Drooling, drooling freely over your pillow unknowingly, as you?re in your not so unusual slumber. You sit, seemingly normal but not so, the mind like a hammer repeatedly battering itself against a nail, the nail is an idea, you are attempting to make sense of this idea, and so forcefully hammering it, attempting to nail its meaning down. This thoughtful torture , although seemingly short spanned, has persisted for the entirety of your supposed resting period, moving your mind as if two colossal tectonic plates at the base of your brain have collided, you are shaken.
Awakened by the power of this final disturbance of the mind you scantily dress yourself, as the morning light pierces your eyes. Instinctively , your first response is to cover your eyes and you do, but what?s this, a sudden uneasiness erupts in your body as you sway chaotically and disoriented but in calm understanding, this is not unusual, this is natural.
You gain footing and forcefully but non-energetically make way to the entrance of the household. Morning you figure, a once beautiful setting that so efficiently awakened the senses and notified the mind that yet again you have arrived at day. Well hell you think, let?s try this again, you motivationally yet non-energetically open the mass object separating you and the outer world, and look in awe observing every detail of the world, letting it soak into your being realizing it, realizing.
Realizing that you?re still inflicted, this world seems fake, of another dimension, distorted, is it a dream? Of course it?s not a dream, the sun once pure and beautiful now a precursor to a sudden emotional down, trees are barely observable, your coordination is distorted, unlike before. One old step forward is completely incompatible to the new. Control, what control? This is not my world but yet it is, you do not understand, it is lacking the familiar feeling, the feeling you?ve always felt, it has disappeared and has been replaced by pessimism and confusion. But to you this is now natural, you are inflicted, naturally drugged.
You are now a self inflicted drug user. Mind in complete disarray, racing thoughts, confusion, depresses ion, you have entered light but found darkness, lost. Your body is restricted, weakness embraces your every limb, like a sunken ship you are weighted, eyes drooping and tainted, the slanted eyes of the darkness attempting to adjust to the new uncomfortable light, eyes yet incapable and strained. You are high, high in defeat, high in agony and confusion. Seemingly permanently detached from reality, at the brink of insanity and yet you cling to life, you are naturally drugged, and you know the drug will wear off eventually, will It take a day, week, years, or eternity? Drugs wear off eventually, but you want it to fuck off, and now.
Socially inept, the Paranoia
People, people, people the hindrance of my existence. Yet the only viable option to up bring my state of unhappiness into bliss, the cure. Acceptance, is this the proper terminology? Acceptance as I know it, to be recognized and acknowledged positively, to be understood and included. Or is what I?m seeking for, embracement, to be included, cared about, to be essential to the comfort of others. Despite my possible distorted views of these terms, acceptance and embracement. Why can I not exist normally among my peers, the beings that walk the earth and exhibit similar features of mine. Is it fear, this unquenchable pain that grows inside the bottomless pit of my gut. Guts, the courage to stand up for ones feelings and fears, why do I lack this in the most common and simplest of situations. Why is the cowardess of my being seemingly growing, while the courage to be simply human inevitably diminishes into thin air. To kill, destroy, abolish, demolish, annihilate and strike down supreme and utter pain I do not fear, but mend or merge I cannot?
What the hell am I? What the hell is this? Where the hell am I! Fear so forcefully emerges through the potentially sinful pores of my body, insanity I feel, hate I feel, love I do not. Am I fading from this world, will my pitiful corpse wither with no remembrance, no memories of happiness. Normality is not apparent or even feasible, constant pain but not understandably so, unforgivable, inexcusable feelings of no self value lurk within me. What has planted this seed of destruction within me, why me, am I not deserving of social comfort.
Social and physical comfort, why is it easy to accept that I am hopelessly ill, my body aches, my visions distorted, my senses dulled but still so intensively thoughtful and keen. And yet, I am so incoherent, so capably incapable. Why do I care? Why must I care? Why must I feel? These piercing emotions that spear me to the corners of darkness and prevent me from entering light, so exaggerated yet real. Chained, chained I am, these chains that sometimes temporarily let me go and yet again constrict me. Funny, funny it is that medication is the solution for the possible others, but why not me? Is the basis of my genetic makeup that fucked the hell up that what is meant for those like me are ineffective? I fear the thoughts of both women and men, women more, and yet not death, my destruction or the corpses of these men and women spilled across the floor in the most bloodiest of lifeless fashions does not scare me but comfort the misery. I am fearless of the physical damage but not emotional. Is my mind overheating, this clunk of supposedly intelligent mass that is harnessed by society as the foundation of the human, intelligence. Where the fuck is my minds overheating retaliation mechanism? Intelligent my ass, would it not be better if this goddamn mind of mine possessed the ability to not question every mother fucking thing that randomly decides to spitefully bless me with its presence.
This hindrance of mine, these people, this highly inferior defective mind., so incoherent, so unattached from reality why won?t it just fucking fix itself, let it rain fixation. Do I not possess a self reparation brain algorithm, I am seemingly robotic, and thus should I be recalled to my maker? Recalled to the awful thing of things that so hatefully spit me from that fiery hell of creation. Ironically despite my hatred, I treat people as I want to be treated, with respect and attempted understanding, yet my attempts are futile. If only these strangers could taste the wicked beatings of this anxiety that so torments me, but they will not understand, oh no, I do not possess the explanatory power to force upon the masses this experience. Until the method is developed, I will be viewed as a pitiful, disgrace of life placed in this world to make others feel superior, to make them feel normal as they see me distantly suffer and instead of offering a hand, gracefully show me the ugly face of their imperfect middle finger, that lies between us and ironically symbolizes reality saying fuck us both, as we?ll both lay in the same shit at one point or another.