[Kayyyynational7]

I already had severe anxiety dpdr and mild depression from past and recent trauma from the last six months.I use to be okay but now I'm gone. I'm scared and I'm lost.

I use to be happy...I would drive a car, spend hours outside, go on random adventures. Friends and family use to say I had the soul of a gypsy because I lived in the moment and everyday was something new with me whether it was being goofy or just jumping in a car and going anywhere random.I was the friend you called when you were down and needed hope. I was that friend that went by live your life to the fullest because a life just sitting isn't a life worth living. And now I'm empty.

I feel very blank.I know physically I'm where I'm at my mentally and spiritually I feel like my soul and mind have joined together and are living somewhere else. My body feels tense all the time. I get confused easier things don't make sense.

I have strange thoughts like maybe I died and I'm stuck in some type of purgatory or maybe I think I'm here but really I'm wandering the streets in some type of dream believing that I'm somewhere else. I've even questioned if death was real or if maybe I'm just a random thing floating asking making up my own reality.

I've been in therapy trying to deal with the loss of a loved one and a few other traumas that hit me before he passed.

This past week I got into an argument with my fiance's family member she was acting completely out of it. Yelling and throwing things calling names. I called her out on how she was acting and she ran up on me and pulled my hair. I literally blacked out I don't visually remember seeing her run up on me. Things got pretty serious she never hit me but after she came for me then her and my brother n law went at it then her and my sister n law.she threatened to shoot the house up and burn it down.

I was terrified Everytime she came by to get more of her things to move out I would sit in my room and lock the door out of fear that she'd go crazy and kill me.everyome else around me just kept saying she isn't gonna do anything.whethere my fears were irrational or not they bothered me enough to not want to come around and stay locked in a room with even my windows locked and covered.

The next day after everything I woke up early in a panic thinking what if she comes again and acts on what she says. I once again was told she won't do anything. About an hour after being up she showed up to get some of her stuff she got here and I ran to the room again trying to avoid any contact. Once she left I came up and started cleaning up from the chaos the day before I threw things out I deep cleaned everything even had friends over to help that was the first time I had stayed up and moving in a few months. By that night I started getting overwhelmed the family was play fighting and joking and I went to my room to get away from the noise because I could tell i was overwhelmed.They ended up coming in the room not understanding why I was overwhelmed being that I spent the whole day doing things verses what I usually do.I couldn't get away from the noise so I got angry and yelled for everyone to leave me alone.

That night things calmed down but I was in a weird place I felt in disbelief of everything and highly annoyed with myself in a sense.I just don't feel here and my body annoys me because I don't feel attached to it.

I went to bed after hours of laying here thinking I'm not where I really am.I woke up because I had therapy yesterday morning pretty early and once again I felt irritable and in a sense trapped in a foreign body.When I got to therapy I was asked how my week was and I told her and we discussed what happened usually after leaving I feel a little better.this time I just felt more annoyed with my self like there is no point.i partly felt like the therapy session didn't even happen although it did.

When I got into the car I just felt like who I was with was just a figment of my imagination even though they are very real. Everything feels like that though I don't really care anymore. Even writing this doesn't feel real.

I got home yesterday and panicked because I'm still in disbelief and even if I want to my reality doesn't change I can't go to sleep and wake up okay I can't do anything I just lay here in disbelief that I even exist anymore. Day and night feel the same to me being outside or inside feel the same nothing has an emotional connection and time has no meaning to me everyday just feels the same.

I made myself go to sleep because I was panicking about my mind possibly leaving me. I woke up to go to the psychiatrist to have my meds changed I woke up late so I was already in a daze. When I walked out to the living room the family was discussing what happened I talked about it but I haven't actually felt present in any conversations I've been apart of so I just ignored that I felt nothing from the conversation and rushed out the door for my appointment.

I got there still feeling in a dream nothing made sense I talked to the doctor and explained my physical and mental SYMPTOMS they didn't seem concerned simply said it's anxiety and depression. Once that was said I just said okay and left with a new antidepressant. Mind you are even said I'd I'm scared to take meds then don't but won't give me any feeling of safety with what's going on mentally.

I just feel as though I'm doing things in some time of autopilot. I laugh but I don't feel it I cry but I don't feel the emotion behind it. I'll want to scream but can't feel the anger behind it I just feel very empty and numb but still some what irritable from the fact that I feel nothing.

I don't think I'm here anymore atleast mentally I'm not.noone seems to hear me either. Outside of major weight loss everyone else sees me as I am. I wish I could. At this point I don't think I'll ever get out of this. I'm not suicidal I'm just not here anymore.

 

[Al_pk]

Hello Kay

Well, that's the DPDR experience. To not feel present or connected. You describe how you used to be.. the good news is that you really are still that person. Dpdr, anxiety, they only ever cover up the 'self' under layers of symptoms, they never truly eradicate it. You will see this in time as you improve. Honestly, you will probably exit this disorder as a better, more grounded person because of it.

Another positive from the way you describe what's happening and your mental states you are very self aware and very aware of what's going on. You probably don't realise this but you have a very clear and concise awareness of events happening and how you're feeling in the moment. At my worst I had no idea wtf i did last night or even this morning.

I resonate the most with how you say your brain has no emotional connectivity and that morning and night feel the same. This is EXACTLY how I feel about it. I don't have the emotion behind the laughter or the fire behind the anger, just a void. I did feel like that in the past aswell and it really improved back to normal in about 1.5-2 years.

I'm a bit concerned about the care you're getting. They say you have anxiety and depression but did you know it is impossible to have both at the same time. They did the same with me. They mis diagnosed me with A&D, and started treating me for depression which i do not have and insisted that was whats going on but it wasn't. At all. It is anxiety related low mood. So I have been stuck on an anti depressant for 1 year which at most helps me sleep, but has done literally nothing for the anxiety and intrusive thoughts I have and which are the main problem.

I assume you're in the US anyone here who threatened to shoot up a house would be considered a terrorist threat.

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Yes I'm in the us.and yes they keep saying depression and I've begged for anxiety meds I've cried to then trying to explain that it's anxiety and I always get the well we'll try this antidepressant.

They even said I could just not take anything and only do therapy which is fine I'm cool with only therapy.but I need help controlling the anxiety.

My mother looked up my new prescription and it treats severe depression and insomnia not anxiety.Im fed up at this point and tired of getting the run around.I literally told the doctor I'm not depressed I'm scared and was still put on a new antidepressant which they never even called in.

I hate to say it but this is why people become and stay addicts because the help we need is not given until someone is admitted and even then they throw you on a bunch of meds that knock you out.

I'm trying to just deal at this point and live life as it is I can't change how I feel or what's going on with me and a ten minute talk session doesn't help get me anywhere closer to being better.

 

[Al_pk]

That is EXACTLY what happened to me. I was given inappropriate treatment for months. I then went to the A&E and said if I have to do another day like this i would kill myself. So i got admitted and put on a knock-out pill. I was also given diazepam for the anxiety and surprise surprise it immediately took the edge off.

Do you mind me asking what meds you are on? I had some success in the past with SSRIs. Now they just give me mirtazapine and an anti psychotic -.-

Therepy doesn't do jack shit... in December i went to one they just wanted to talk about things I'd rather forget then spent 2 days feeling like dirt because of it.

You can chage how you feel. Do you like reading? There are many good books out there that go into exactly how to recover from anxiety and dpdr, saved my life in 2014-15

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Yes it's been difficult I got to a point where I didn't care and then I began having panic attacks again. At one point I want even having panic attacks I was just here.

I started getting up and moving again this past week and as if yesterday I started getting issue attacks again nothing makes sense. It's frustrating because I'll think I'm getting better and then I'm right back if something happens.

I do allot of my own research which probably isn't a good idea.I came across a video where a girl completely forgot everything she thought she was a kid again and couldn't remember her job or who she was with.I came across another video which actually wasn't me searching for anything to do with anxiety.I like investigation shows and was watching videos where unsolved mysteries were solved well I came across one video where a woman was found passed away after going missing from jumping out of her window and they determined that she had a panic attack and just ran away.Now I'm terrified that will be me.

Im so unattached to my body that I feel like I'm on autopilot and just going along with things.I was on zoloft for about a week but wasnt sleeping and now they have me on a new antidepressant which I can't remember the name for that they didn't even send in for me.

I was getting slightly better but on Wednesday I was attacked physically by my fiance's sister she wasn't on her meds and attacked me physically because of a verbal argument.she made threats and I was terrified the day after I just got up finally as if nothing had ever been wrong snd kept myself busy but by Friday I felt worse than I did before completely gone and in shock of where I'm at and I've gotten to the point that my spouse looks like a stranger.

I don't know what to do I explained it to my doctor and she said I'm fine it's all anxiety related and the therapist said the same thing.

Could it be bad right now because of the fight or an I finally losing it. I actually was to the point where I accepted what's going on and now I'm starting to think I am losing my sanity and I'll end up like the people I've seen in the videos.

 

[Al_pk]

It's good to do your own research but that's the wrong kind of research. Why not look up material on dp recovery. Recovery stories, recovery methods. Thats the kind of research I did and it's why I recovered. You're not guna forget who you are and who you're with. And if you feel a panic attack coming on just sit with the feeling and ride it out. You're the one whose in control.

You probably do feel worse cos of the fight.

You're not losing you're sanity. Dp is an illusion, it's not, and never turns in to, actual madness.

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Thank you

 

[Kayyyynational7]

I know I shouldn't watch things like that because all they do is make my anxiety worse ????.I try not to but find myself still looking I to things when I shouldn't.

That's actually the reason I stopped taking my Zoloft because I had a previous fear of having a bad reaction then I looked up people's reactions to it and stopped taking it after four days because I was scared.

I started taking it again last night because I'm truly tired of feeling this way and I've always just stopped taking meds so I'm gonna try to avoid googling things and try to stick to it this time.

 

[Al_pk]

Zoloft is a powerful medication. It did help me come out dp several years ago and stopped all the mental bullshit. However, you should definately not stop it abruptly. Doing so caused me massive problems. You'll be okay

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Have you continued being on it??

 

[Al_pk]

I'm not on it anymore, but i used it for 3 years with big success.. until.. the thing

 

[Al_pk]

I stopped it abruptly because i felt it was stifling my emotions and creativity. When I started up again it basically gave me another dp breakdown and I became phobic of time with constant existential thoughts. Which is the most agonising bullshit. You can't escape time. It is everywhere and everything. I have not felt feelings of safety or peace or embodiment in nearly 2 years. But I am better nowadays, just get through as best I can go to sleep and do it all again.

So I don't know how to feel about zoloft. It did help me before. But it also ruined my life. It's powerful, psychoactive. It behaved like a bad drug trip in my mind when I stopped and started. But i also had insomnia so i cant say that didn't impact what happened. I just wish I was never introduced to the world of dp and medications and have the calm, neurotypical brain I was born with.

 

[Al_pk]

And I don't want to put people off it because it really can help. But when it goes bad boy does it go bad

 

[Kayyyynational7]

That's why I have a fear of antidepressant I've been on them before not Zoloft but I've tried others.

the first one I was ever on I started at 16 and was very numb and became emotionless I literally didn't care.I was fighting and doing whatever the next one I was put on was about 6 months ago and I had really bad heart racing hot flashes and panic attacks.

They actually put me on serequel to help me sleep after my reaction to Prozac but I was taking it on and off and it started to just not work I started getting irritable while being on it.I also felt completely detached and I'm still not sure if the serequel caused the out of body feeling or if I just completely depersonalized from what I had going on.

When I started the zoloft last Wednesday I started to feel the I don't care feeling again yes I was starting to walk around and do things again but I didn't really care.I told my doctor and therapist about the numb feeling and not really caring what happened and they prescribed me once again another antidepressant.which they didn't call in.

I at this point have thought maybe taking it for only 4 days I didn't give it a chance.My doctor told me Friday though that antidepressants can cause dpdr and I tried explaining that I e had this before the medicine but I just don't feel like I'm being heard.Thats why I took it yesterday to see if maybe I just didn't give it a chance.

My biggest issue is a was an alcoholic and stopped cold turkey about 7 months ago.A huge part of me has questioned that maybe if I just have one drink it will bring me back to myself.

I wake up at times in disbelief that I exist.part of me feels like maybe I don't or maybe I have died and don't know it and I'm just living in this weird reality.

I've read so many things with how to over come this.Ive tried meditation,I've tried meds,I've tried just living my life like before and I can't seem to come back.

My therapist said I'm doing better because she sees me not shaking as bad and I've not just been sitting in my room but I can't help but to feel like I'm not getting better and maybe I'm just not caring at all.

My doctor told me Friday that if I don't want meds then we won't do meds but I'm not sure what else to do.some of my family says maybe just therapy will help others say me not taking meds isn't goin through with the entire treatment plan.

I'm really just ready to give up.I don't feel safe anywhere I don't feel at home even within myself.

I weighed almost 300 pounds 6 months ago and I've dropped over 100 pounds and still losing weight.which yes i needed to lose weight but it's almost to the point of being scary how bony I am.

Friends and family see me and have actually went as far as asking if I'm on drugs. And it's devestating to hear that question because I was an alcoholic and I've been clean for so long now.

I just don't know what to do.Some people see progress in my mental state out side of the still losing weight.I want to believe them but I'm just not sure.i know dpdr isn't suppose to last and maybe I do make it worse but I don't know how to stop it at this point.

 

[Al_pk]

Well, 4 days isn't really giving it a chance. It doesn't kick in for 6-8 weeks and after that it can take months and months to really get to your problems.

The problem with dpdr recovery is the timescale. Yes dpdr is meant to turn off, but ours does not which is why it is a disorder. There is no moment where it all pops back in to clarity. I suffered for years and after that time I was convinced it would be a permanent shadow on my life forever. So i just got on with life. Then one day I was working out and I realised it had gone. I was back in the game. The process took years. It was mystical, intangeble.

I recovered ironically because I gave up on recovery. In the early days, i was obsessed. Then I got the feeling that it was going to be like this forever so i gave up on recovery. I instead focussed on my career, women, fitness and lived each moment like it was the last thing I would ever do. I do feel sorry for my younger self. Just a poor fucking kid who thought he was going to die, but i also gave up on the pity party, and got my power back.

My big advice would be to stop chasing quick fixes. Meditation will not help and you cannot think your way out of dpdr and anxiety. You have a nervous system disorder which is going to take time to correct. That is responsible for everything from the thoughts you experience to the lack of emotions to the physical symptoms. Don't worry about everything abnormal you experience. I didn't. It's harmless.

It may well take years and years Kay, that doesn't mean living your life is not working but you are just not at a place of peace or acceptance with the timescale involved.

You will get back to yourself. You never really went. Your true self is with you right now, you just have symptoms which is why you cannot feel it. As an added benefit, when you do get out, you will be a calmer, more focussed, more laughing version of yourself.

Still gotta give up that smoking

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Thank y'all both I have just kinda not cared recently like yes I want my life back but at this point I'm just living with it.

Maybe one day I will get better and then again maybe I'll just stay the same. I do at times wish I could go back and change what's happened but I guess it is what it is.

 

[willbarwa]

I already had severe anxiety dpdr and mild depression from past and recent trauma from the last six months.I use to be okay but now I'm gone. I'm scared and I'm lost.

I use to be happy...I would drive a car, spend hours outside, go on random adventures. Friends and family use to say I had the soul of a gypsy because I lived in the moment and everyday was something new with me whether it was being goofy or just jumping in a car and going anywhere random.I was the friend you called when you were down and needed hope. I was that friend that went by live your life to the fullest because a life just sitting isn't a life worth living. And now I'm empty.

I feel very blank.I know physically I'm where I'm at my mentally and spiritually I feel like my soul and mind have joined together and are living somewhere else. My body feels tense all the time. I get confused easier things don't make sense.

I have strange thoughts like maybe I died and I'm stuck in some type of purgatory or maybe I think I'm here but really I'm wandering the streets in some type of dream believing that I'm somewhere else. I've even questioned if death was real or if maybe I'm just a random thing floating asking making up my own reality.

I've been in therapy trying to deal with the loss of a loved one and a few other traumas that hit me before he passed.

This past week I got into an argument with my fiance's family member she was acting completely out of it. Yelling and throwing things calling names. I called her out on how she was acting and she ran up on me and pulled my hair. I literally blacked out I don't visually remember seeing her run up on me. Things got pretty serious she never hit me but after she came for me then her and my brother n law went at it then her and my sister n law.she threatened to shoot the house up and burn it down.

I was terrified Everytime she came by to get more of her things to move out I would sit in my room and lock the door out of fear that she'd go crazy and kill me.everyome else around me just kept saying she isn't gonna do anything.whethere my fears were irrational or not they bothered me enough to not want to come around and stay locked in a room with even my windows locked and covered.

The next day after everything I woke up early in a panic thinking what if she comes again and acts on what she says. I once again was told she won't do anything. About an hour after being up she showed up to get some of her stuff she got here and I ran to the room again trying to avoid any contact. Once she left I came up and started cleaning up from the chaos the day before I threw things out I deep cleaned everything even had friends over to help that was the first time I had stayed up and moving in a few months. By that night I started getting overwhelmed the family was play fighting and joking and I went to my room to get away from the noise because I could tell i was overwhelmed.They ended up coming in the room not understanding why I was overwhelmed being that I spent the whole day doing things verses what I usually do.I couldn't get away from the noise so I got angry and yelled for everyone to leave me alone.

That night things calmed down but I was in a weird place I felt in disbelief of everything and highly annoyed with myself in a sense.I just don't feel here and my body annoys me because I don't feel attached to it.

I went to bed after hours of laying here thinking I'm not where I really am.I woke up because I had therapy yesterday morning pretty early and once again I felt irritable and in a sense trapped in a foreign body.When I got to therapy I was asked how my week was and I told her and we discussed what happened usually after leaving I feel a little better.this time I just felt more annoyed with my self like there is no point.i partly felt like the therapy session didn't even happen although it did.

When I got into the car I just felt like who I was with was just a figment of my imagination even though they are very real. Everything feels like that though I don't really care anymore. Even writing this doesn't feel real.

I got home yesterday and panicked because I'm still in disbelief and even if I want to my reality doesn't change I can't go to sleep and wake up okay I can't do anything I just lay here in disbelief that I even exist anymore. Day and night feel the same to me being outside or inside feel the same nothing has an emotional connection and time has no meaning to me everyday just feels the same.

I made myself go to sleep because I was panicking about my mind possibly leaving me. I woke up to go to the psychiatrist to have my meds changed I woke up late so I was already in a daze. When I walked out to the living room the family was discussing what happened I talked about it but I haven't actually felt present in any conversations I've been apart of so I just ignored that I felt nothing from the conversation and rushed out the door for my appointment.

I got there still feeling in a dream nothing made sense I talked to the doctor and explained my physical and mental SYMPTOMS they didn't seem concerned simply said it's anxiety and depression. Once that was said I just said okay and left with a new antidepressant. Mind you are even said I'd I'm scared to take meds then don't but won't give me any feeling of safety with what's going on mentally.

I just feel as though I'm doing things in some time of autopilot. I laugh but I don't feel it I cry but I don't feel the emotion behind it. I'll want to scream but can't feel the anger behind it I just feel very empty and numb but still some what irritable from the fact that I feel nothing.

I don't think I'm here anymore atleast mentally I'm not.noone seems to hear me either. Outside of major weight loss everyone else sees me as I am. I wish I could. At this point I don't think I'll ever get out of this. I'm not suicidal I'm just not here anymore.

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Yes I've had blood test done and yes it sounds extreme but with the dieting I did and the fact that I weighed almost 300 pounds before losing the weight the doctor said I'm fine and she monitors me.

 

[willbarwa]

You've got some trauma, my friend. I know that statement seems so redundant in contrast to everything you wrote but it pretty much comes down to that.

Sounds slot like GAD and some acute anxiety in different areas of your life. Anxiety is like a virus, it spreads everywhere in your mind and before you know it, your entire brain is on autopilot because it just can't cope with all of it. So it "relieves" itself and withdraws to a safer part of the psyche.

I was about to post in discussion about my current state but stumbled upon your post first.

What I can tell you is your nervous system and endocrine system need a break. There are maybe certain external factors we can't control or get away from but I believe there is a lot we can do aside from it.

Don't worry my friend. This is a procesos You are going through. But here are some tips that helped me a lot:

I took natural supplements which helped s lot. You have no idea how far proper supplementation can go. Some DP individuals, even, find vitamins is all they needed. Unfortunately that's not everyone -- certainly wasn't me either.

I took:

magnesium tuarate (cardiovascular research)

Inositol (a lifesaver) I took Source natural

Along with other vitin regimens for overall health.

Next thing I did was proper sleep, moderate exercise and mindfulness.

Let me know if u want to know more
Too much to write right now

 

[Kayyyynational7]

Thank you I recently have started working out everyday and sometimes it helps other times I'm just still blah if that makes sense.

I would like some more tips if possible.