I'm so depressed. I feel like there's a bubble in my brain and it's preventing me from being able to be human.
I'm unhappy in my relationship and my cat is lost, and it's driving me crazy. Its like when I wake up in the mornings, I'm never fully awake. I feel like an empty vessel floating around the house doing pointless shit. I feel like slapping myself so I can come back to life. So I can FEEEL. My head is mixed up, I think I'm becoming very numb again. But I was getting better? I don't get it, why the fuck does it have to be so complicated? Like if I can end up with full blown DP/DR over one night why cant it be that easy to take away? This world is too much man, I'm not cut out for it.
I guess it wasn't a magical thing that happened over night, so I can't really expect it to go the same way.
It was gradually implemented in my childhood, the chaos, the trauma, the fuckery.
I feel like slapping the retards that raised me, the shit they did to little me is fucking appalling. But I cant completely blame them can I? They were only doing whatever was taught to them. Because it's a vicious cycle. It's not good enough. I don't feel well.
Im so sorry your going through all of this. I have existential anxiety and probably dp/dr too. I had it when I was 17 then it went away and then it came back when I was 23 and then it left for years and just came back this May. I want to beat it again so bad and I know there is hope for all of us. Hang in there!!! When I cure this I want to help others!
Can so relate to your post especially "feel like an empty vessel floating around doing pointless shit"
Problem for me is that doing that "pointless shit" is a teryfying - so its like i have to do to dinner with friends this weekend which i know is going to be fucking pointless and terryfing, but i know if i keep avoiding then basically this fuckin illness is the winner.
if DP is a protection mechnaism as many suggest, well it is one hell of a fucked up mechanism!!
You're right, it's not good enough. The retards who raised you have a lot to answer for. In my experience, one of the best things you can do is to distance yourself from the people who hurt you in the past or people that hurt you still. They will constantly trigger you and it will be impossible to break the cycle that keeps you in a dissociative state. Around them you will be anxious, and that anxiety will trigger and fuel your dissociation.
You mentioned this need for dissociation was 'gradually implemented in your childhood' - 'the chaos, the trauma, the fuckery'. Have talked to anyone about this? A trauma therapist perhaps?
The thing that a lot of people don't understand about people who are dissociative is, that we have the ability to put unresolved traumatic memories in a 'safe place', compartmentalised away from our consciousness. In effect we're amnesic to them. However those memories will have a powerful effect on our lives and we'll have no idea at all. Here's an example from my own experience.. one of the abusive people in my life used to utter the words "you're so precious, you're so special" to me often. For the rest of my life anytime I used to hear either of those phrases I began to heavily dissociate. It took years to make a connection and understand what was happening, because the memories of abusive people saying those particular words was compartmentalised in my mind in a place I had no access to, until I began to heal. When I did start healing and made the connection, I could defuse the power those words had over me - I no longer dissociate when I hear those words. Does this make sense?
The more we heal, the more access to hidden/compartmentalised/dissociated memories we'll get, and in turn the more we can heal from those. It's like a snowball - once you start to find the things that trigger you into this dissociative state, the more you can heal. And the more you heal, the more stuff will reveal itself... until of course when there're no more dissociated and unprocessed memories inside.
This is what 'the work' people talk about is. Healing from any of the dissociative disorders is about 'working' on yourself and understanding what it is that keeps you in a dissociative state and working through those issues. Of there's a lot more to healing than just this, but understanding and working on triggers is certainly a big part of it... and it's absolutely an essential part of it.
I've been seeing therapists for over 6 years healing from trauma induced DID and complex PTSD. I'm a long way along the path of healing. I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any.
I have said that so many times its like I wasnt equipped to handle life.like obviously not if this so called defense mechanism shut me down n has kept me shut down im not suppose to be here
Sounds like you are really mad but caught ,,, like you can't slap them without having them fully to blame for what they did. I might say that you have every right to be angry without needing to have them 'fully' to blame.
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