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I felt yesterday.
REALLY felt.
For a minute there I thought I was normal again. I was so depressed about my break up I almost hoped for another episode. I know if I ever get better it'll be hard. I feel like all the bottled up feelings of pain I've been holding i will remember and i'm so not ready for that. It's actually one of the only good things about DPD. You always have a one up on every one else emotionally. You have the upper hand in relationships.
It's also the worst.
I always felt like I wasn't really in my relationship. Like I was cheating him. He was the only one really in it and I could have walked out any second and never looked back. I always felt guilty about that. Like I was missing out. I don't remember what it's like to be in a healthy relationship whole heartedley.
Today I almost broke down in front of my family in the middle of the restaurant. All my emotions flooded me at one. I felt liberated but also filled with sadness. I have some hope now. Not that It will completely go away, but that it will not come as often. My episodes last so long that my real emotions are starting to feel like the episodes. I go days with out feeling anything. Like I'm in another body or in a video game.
I know other people can tell too. My face doesn't hide anything but people tend to just rule it out as me being weird and It get's in the way of me making friends. Another thing to hate about DPD. I have such a hard time doing school work. I wasn't always like this. I made Deans list my first semester. Now I'm failing classes every semester. I can no longer concentrate on doing hw. I miss assignments and when I actually do get them in, they're way late. I just cannot concentrate. No matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do anymore. I had no idea what was going on with me until I found out about DPD and it all makes sense. Around the time it got worse was when I started struggling in school. I was going to ask my doctor to maybe give me something to help but I'm told after the screening they prescribe antidepressants. Hopefully they work. I'm looking forward to my screening and starting my road to recovery.
Has anyone also experienced these issues?
(Excuse my typos!
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ღ Fiona ღ
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