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Look who's back!!

1013 Views 6 Replies 2 Participants Last post by  Shelly
Hello all. You may rememeber a chap called Falstaff from last year or so. This is me having had to log in again. Thought I'd pop in and say hello. Good to see all the old characters are still about. Hello JC and martinelv. Is Baz still about? Is (looks around nervously) you-know-who still about?
Whats all this about endopsychosins occupying the N-Methyl-D-Asparate receptors during times of stress, wot?
I eventually got rid of my DP/DR. Basically with my DP/DR, I developed a bit of a neurosis about the dissociative state. It was like the first panic attack I had, made me get stuck in a loop. ( I Still hold that the dissociative state caused the panic disorder and not the other way round, this I believe is still a general bone of contention)
I was constantly afraid of what 'it' was, what the 'other' thing , that sense of eeriness, like I was somewhere else, as such I was constantly dissociated. I think this is fairly common knowledge amongst all of us, right? I never completely dissociated, as in absolutely disconnected. I knew who I was and where I was technically speaking. It was just I felt like I was living in somebody elses body. When it first happened I thought I was dead for about a week (I requested my medical records the other day, I'm listed as having a 'psychotic break' because i said I thought maybe I was dead to the Doc. Bastard. Neurotic break, Doc, I'll think you find, I get finnicky about these things). Oh yeah, I know about Cotards Neurosis. Although I do like the sound of 'nihilistic delusional order' If you're gonna get a mental disorder, at least try and make it interesting one, right? I know many here won't agree. Can't agree probably.I know its hell. Trust me. I went there. 'I saw the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker./ In short I was afraid'
So for three years I put up with it. The first year was the worst. The succubus year as I have come to refer to it (That ones for the old-timers)The height of the disorder. the floaters, the 'jolts'. The second year I kind of learnt to live with it. The board really helped. Cheers guys. The third year, this year it was all but nearly gone. Still the bastard thing hung over me. What the fuck is it? That? That other side that I was so afraid of?
Apologies here Janine. This will most certainly not be approved of. I'd overcome the agoraphobia (Although, politically speaking, I am still very much in fear of the market place :lol: ) which seemed to onset after with the initial panic attacks. I did this by exposure. I eventually formed the theory, fuck this, bring it on dissociation, I can take you, you ugly muthafucker.
So I went there. The complete whole hog. No more hovering on the age being scared of it and so consequently having a constant mild dose of it all the time. So dear readers, I insufflated 500mg of vetinary grade ketamine hydrochloride. A complete K-hole. Its impossible to be scared on it, because you can't think. You aren't even in your own body to be able to think. You're in the place you are so afraid of. It ain't so bad man. Really. I'm gonna get flamed for this. I don't recommend it to anyone, really I don't. But I did it their way and they dug me deeper (The terrible teeth clenching, the shit dribbly orgasm when it actually happened and if i could be bothered, you know what I mean. It was fucking horrid)
Never been bothered by dissocation since the K-hole. In fact I actually don't mind the odd NMDA antagonist now and again, although I'll mostly stick to my trusty tank of nitrous. Its ironic that having suffered so terribly I'll actually do gas recreationally!
The only lasting problem I have is a chronic alcohol problem. During those bad years, it was necessary to keep the old gamma-aminobutyric acid levels as high as possible. The drink didn't actually help, except when I was drunk. Mostly I stayed drunk. Tried to come off drinking last sunday by precuring 200mg of diazepam (I have never touched bezos before). By sunday night both the 200mg and a bottle of gin had disappeared. As had my two front teeth. But thats because I'm fucking hardcore. No it's because I'm a sad alcoholic.
Oh yeah, despite that fucking terrible condition(s) I got myself through uni and passed in English lit. with first class honours from Kent. Now working as a freelance writer (An alcoholic writer, surely not?)
Anyway, cheers guys for the help through the dark times.
I'll keep posting. And please don't flame me for the K. I just wanted to take back control and do it my way.
Cheers once again.
Twelvesteps (The piss artist formerly known as Falstaff)

Unreal City,
Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,
A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many
I had not thought death had undone so many.

T.S. Eliot :D
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I really hope that instead of everyone bashing you we can have an intelligent conversation about all this. Because you have raised some very important thoughts. Should we "face" the dp head on? Should we make ourselves as scared as possible and dive head first into it, so that we can get over the fear of what's on the "other side". Which is probably nothing on the other side, no insanity or death, just freedom from this fear we have. It's like 24/7 walking on eggshells so scared to make a move, because we might break. I wonder all the time if I should just face it but people on here suggest against that technique. Because I know that's what they suggest for panic disorder, just say, "bring it on!. And try to make the panic attack as bad as possible."
There's a website and the guy talks about how we get to this point where we kind of passively accept panic disorder but we need to take it one step further and try to make it as bad as possible so that we can rid oursleves of the fear once and for all. So many questions.
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