Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello, I havent been on this site for years now, I decided today that I wanted to look at some of the things I've posted on here and how I've changed in the last four years. In some ways, it is similar but I still have changed continually. I will have had both depersonalization and derealization chronically for 7 years in may of 2019. Don't worry, you probably will not have DPDR this long, I have a lot of pre dispositions carrying this disorder that has made me keep it this long. I have also always gone untreated. I got this disorder my freshmen year at 15 years old, after smoking marijuana quite a bit until one night I took it a little too far, had a panic attack went to bed and woke up with DPDR. it has not feigned or weakened not once since. At first, I figured I was just high, I still smoked weed regularly and figured I was just smoking really good weed that highs were lasting forever. I decided the weed was just not for me, It made me panicky and I didn't really like it that much so I quit and too my horror I realized that I was still high all the time anyways. I did what everyone does, "I have a brain tumor, I'm losing my mind, I'm dead and this is the afterlife" for months I dealt with those voices in my head telling me all of these untrue things. I told no one about what I was going through until months after I got DPDR. All of my timeless over the stretch of my whole life is hazy super hazy, so don't expect exact happenings and stuff especially in the first 3 years with DPDR. I do know that I didn't know what it was called or what was going on until I put my symptoms in the good ole google after about 2 years of DPDR. I don't know why it took me so long, or why I allowed it to go on so long without telling anyone important about it. In fact I didn't tell my father who raised me about it until early September of this year. Remember all of those pre dispositions I was talking about? I honestly didn't think it mattered what I was going through had a name, I was still going to school, still keeping up all of my robotic appearances etc. But eventually curiosity got the best of me, and there I was: DEPERSONALIZATION AND DEREALIZATION DISORDER. I knew pretty quickly that was what I had after reading all of the symptoms describing how I felt exactly. I wont go to into symptoms, people know when they have this disorder. It is POWERFUL, dissociation and how it makes you feel is not something that is easily missed especially when you have it and have had it 247 for years like me. Now, that is how far ill go into how I was then this post is meant for how I am now. Depersonalization and derealization destroyed my old life. I won't deny that, this disorder is awful. I have a new life now from before, where DPDR is kind of a roommate. I no longer think everything Is a movie, or that I'm losing my mind, I know I'm not I am just in a dissociative state. That stopped after about 3 years of DPDR. I read the forums, watched the videos, the books etc. About how acceptance and carrying on your life not obsessing over DPDR is monumental for curing DPDR. I did that but it didn't help my DPDR, but it definitely helped the other parts of my life. I keep chugging along the body is a machine after all, I did well in school, I've always held down full time jobs, I'm sane most of the time, usually in high spirits. I just kind of accepted that DPDR was just a thing I have, not my life. I don't even think about or obsess over it all day much, sometimes it does still get to me and I let out a tear or two from time to time. Other than that, I just accepted that It was a part of me, and that it doesn't help me to try and fight it all the time. Like I said its like DPDR is this annoying roommate inside of me, that I cant really do anything about. I've grown used to the symptoms, and just learned to function with them and continue on with my life with them. I learned to drive when everything is foggy and the car feels like it had the whole world inside of it, I learned to work and stay on tasks even if everything feels hazy and confusing, I've learned to speak and be coherent even when my brain feels so blank. I have a life outside of DPDR but with DPDR, if that makes sense. You know, even if your DPDR isn't cured yet there is still life in you left. There is still joy, there is still things that you feel, there is still food that you can taste, and still amazing things you can see. I know DPDR is incredibly disturbing and so painful to experience, but you can't feed so much into its power. Acceptance is key, not only to cure it but to live and live well with it. A large majority of you, will be cured from this. Like I said, I have a lot of other problems outside of DPDR that makes me keep it. I have always been a internal person, even in early childhood and a deep thinker. I have always constantly worried and panicked, even as a small child. I have constant obsessive thoughts about my life. All of these are SEVERE. This isn't something that can be easily helped, and I'm in the minority on this one because of its severity. Not to mention, I have never had treatment for ANY OF THIS. No medication, no therapy, NADA. Not to mention I also eat very unhealthy, get no exercise, and I just got over my alcoholism. I am finally getting to a place now, where I am seeking out any help or getting over my bad habits. But if I could give any of you any advice, please do not do what I've done. Seek help immediately! I have so much regret over the fact that I didn't get help when this first happened to me. I should have spoke to professionals that could have gotten me the help I need sooner so I didn't have so many years of suffering. Do not take the backseat in your life for it! Do not read and watch everything about it you can get your hands on the less you know the better! Stay happy this will pass! Please if anyone has any questions I will follow the forum for only a few days before I get back off of it, but I will do all I can to help anyone while I allow myself to check up on it! So Proud of all of you who suffer from this and getting through everyday! Stay Blessed!