[Lonely Traveler]

I cannot really pinpoint the moment I snapped into this mentality. I really can't. My best guess is that one day, I was taking a nap after an all-nighter of work with a plan for the rest of the day, oh the joys of work-from-home. That 1 hour nap manifested itself into 8 hours. At which point I awoke to a knock on the door. Wife back from the office, me wondering how she got back so early. And back to sleep was the plan. No, it's 6pm, nothing was done, the meat in the freezer had not even been taken out. It only felt like *maybe* 1pm, the clock had other ideas though.

Combine that with a few recent deaths of close coworkers, a baby on the way and a long time without vacation... I don't know, maybe that was it.

My recent movie-watching probably had not helped, you know the kind. The deep-thought movies, where you become mentally vested in the concepts. The Prestige is a BAD movie to watch I think now. It got me thinking about what consciousness actually is. Seeing as "death" is essentially a break in that stream of consciousness. So what is sleep? What if everytime you go to sleep, that "you" from yesterday is dead, replaced with version n+1, picking up where n left off. And even then, is that stream nothing more than a series of memories? As time progresses from now to NOW, what happened to the you from then? Technically, it has been modified, it is no longer the same.

Like I said, deep, horrible thoughts.

So as it stands now, I have all the wonderful classic symptoms and it's nice to at least see there are others. Talking about it with the wife (and her not thinking I'm insane) is helping, as is discussing the things giving me anxiety. But emotionally, I feel numb, numb as this suit of flesh I cannot step out of. Memory-wise, it's as if I have no RAM, it all just goes straight to tape. Yesterday, an hour ago, a minute ago... might as well be a decade ago. I have always been outgoing, very outgoing. In fact, I still am even with this. I'll talk with strangers and shoot the shit, no problem at all. Zero social anxiety. It feels natural even. But it also feels distant unless I can distract myself enough while at the same time not distracting myself to distract myself.

It's VERY difficult to explain what this is to someone who is not on this plane of thought. It's like trying to explain color to the blind. And the biggest problem, is that I DO have the anxiety that it will never go away, and the even larger anxiety that I might not even want it to go away. Is it possible to unsee something? To unexperience or unthink a thought? And if you somehow can, and suddenly snap "back to reality", what then? Does recalling it trigger it back? Is it ever even gone? Is the depersonalized you doomed to expire? Like a lobotomy victim/patient... is the "new them" just a "death" of the old them? Trying to explain it all to my wife was frightening. Thinking that if I keep it to myself it might go away, but revealing it makes it real... oh god, what if I get over it, brick that wall up, and she mentions it? Oh well, take the dive I guess... at least now she understands why I'm acting a bit odd.

We got out of town to the mountains for the weekend, it feels distant. But I can remember when I was there, it felt timeless and I had a desire to not leave. I thought it might help. Not really.

And there's this great hypocrisy to it all. When driving, I feel normal. The car becomes part of "me". Rock stuck in a tread? I can feel it. Utter complete confidence because that car is a part of me. I get sentimental about THINGS, not just any random things, but things that seem to connect me to the world in some way. As if they represent memories I cherish. But those memories... it's as if I look back and it's not me, not my own. I feel alone, yet fear being alone, yet am calmed by being alone. Days fly by or creep so slowly it's not fair. And there's this impatience I have towards routine. Doing something every day? Why cannot there be permanence? Why can't I just do it once and be done? That's what seems to follow me around.

The dreams are, once again weird and vivid. Waking up remembering it all. But not normal dreams. Never going to sleep with a lingering thought or wondering of an alley unexplored to serve as a base. No familiar faces in these dreams. I had this once before, playing with lucid dreaming... then I stopped after a series of dreams that I could recall in every detail. Those dreams had a dream-time that played out over decades, and seemed to pick up right where they left off the night before. Which is the dream? Which is reality? The very fact that it happened scares me to death in this dream-like state I find myself in now. I vivid-dreamed myself all the way to 87. Kids, grandkids, right to the deathbed and then waking up. I fear "waking up" once again. The problem I found with lucid dreams, is that my brain is really damned smart at adapting itself. It's like it figured out my little "dream-check" tricks and fixed them. Light switches that work? Books that are legible? Colors and physics that check out? Peripheral vision? Shadows, mirrors? Yep, all there... fuck. Seems dreamy (because it's a dream), but there's no waking up, there's no arguing with it, you seem to have free will... accept it and hope for the best I guess.

I can ignore it, snap back for things and be productive and "normal", but the moment the mind wanders, it's all neo-in-the-matrix with no pills to choose from. The oddest part, is I find myself recalling old memories, seeing signs of this early on... nodding my head in disbelief that I did not realize it sooner. I find myself looking through buddhist thoughts and "getting it". Life is suffering. I get that now. Stopping reincarnation? Why? Because of the anxiety that it might happen again... striving to understand it all and get fully on that higher plane so it stops. I get that now too... and that's why suicide is dumb... the anxiety that you have been gifted a chance and rejecting it will only ensure you repeat it... eventually looking back as if it were a memory and again, nodding your head in disbelief that you did not realize it sooner... all that pointless suffering.

That just about sums up my thoughts on what I am going through. The only comfort I have really seen is searching for the way I tried to explain it to others, and seeing results with that same attempt at explanation. Quite a few pointing here, and what the hell, might as well see if I can't add to it for the next traveler.

Some claim to have been cured, I wonder though, if it's not unlike quitting smoking... no one really quits, they just suppress it.

 

[Lonely Traveler]

You have quite a way of speaking about it, do you happen to write.

They are indeed classic symptoms. You are going to want to see what's beneath them and work on it from the base up. In my signature below are a couple links that may have some useful information for you to get started. It can be a long journey, but the prognosis is very good.

This is why it is important to see what is behind the depersonalization. You can have it go away, but until the issues behind it are resolved (If you fall into that category) it lays dormant and can be triggered again. This was my mistake.

Best of luck to you.

Apart from writing reports, not much of a writer. Personally, my immediate game plan is to try and toss an IED into this state of perception. Looking for a change in jobs, one that sticks me in an office environment and requires routine. Either it will be an epic disaster, or the best medicine that's not for sale.

The anxiety on my mind right now is the kid on the way. Oh dear god, let him be normal, whatever that is. Me suppressing my own fears to calm a hormone-filled wife who is worried about everything as well. She worries about the expenses, I worry about the experiences. How to give this kid all the advantages to instill in him/her the knowledge that is needed to kick ass in life? I'm REALLY hoping that a busy office job and realizing I'm a good parent will be enough distraction to ensure that this whole perception of reality becomes voluntary. Not unlike the "social smoker", who is never found craving, but up for a bit of fun if they so choose.

 

[Lonely Traveler]

Since I made this post, I've actually been feeling a lot better. Talking helps, as does several realizations I have made.

1) Buddhist monks wanting this... they are insane. But, being in China, it would be a possible point to contact. They know about 无我, and it would be worth a try.

2) It seems as if my triggers are not instant, there is a series of thought processes that lead up to a full blown episode. Identifying this and shutting it down prevents the full-blown awareness. I latch onto a thought or an object and start picking it apart with my brain... if I stop here, it ends. Brain in a box, I can handle. The higher levels of it are something I cannot cope with and it ruins my entire day and warps my sense of time, memory, questioning everything... brain stuck in a loop and it's just bad.

3) Reality Checks... as a lucid dreamer, it's good to know about these. Stop doing them, it only compounds and turns thoughts inwards. Odd coincidences, laugh them off and turn attention to something else.

4) Find someone to talk to, in real life, in front of you, who is willing to listen and not see you as crazy. Try to explain the feeling, it helps to get it out. Part of this anxiety seems to be a fear that you might just be insane, and the consequences of "being found out" are frightening.

5) Find a routine, any routine, make that sack of meat do things. Clean, do dishes, go for a jog, lift weights, whatever. Just consider it as... you control your avatar and it's your duty to keep that avatar in shape and looking good.

6) Those walking talking sacks of meat who are your friends and family... be good to them. They might not be real, but neither are Sims. You are in the matrix and there are no escape pills. Sitting there all day thinking is putting undue pressure on others, stop it. Consider them.

#7 is a bit odd, it's coping more than it is curing, but coping+distraction can be a cure.

Consider this:

This might just be a dream, it might not be real. Good for you, you just realized the dream. Now what happens in lucid dreams? You have the ability to be passive and play along OR you have the ability to manifest your will. So, go ahead, where's your big pile of money? Why are things not just happening? Oh... looks like you suck at this dream thing. Well, if you cannot manifest, you must play the game to get what you want. So play the game until you can figure out that whole manifestation thing.

One of 3 things will happen.

1) Oops, it's a dream, but it's a pretty awesome dream that you can control, even if you're stuck in it.

2) Might be a dream... but, you can at least control yourself and get what you want.

3) Not a dream at all, you make that realization and in the process you have improved yourself.

The anxiety seems to come from a fear of the infinite. It is indeed overbearing. Pondering the infinite will drive you mad. You are not the first, not the last, and people far more skilled at wordcraft than yourself have attempted to explain it. Most of which no one really understands until they experience it themselves.

Right now, on the 0-10 scale of the fuckedupometer I'm at about a 4, was a 7 this morning. What really helped was seeing something I wrote 10 years prior. I went through the same exact thing. I have not been suffering for 10 years, I have suppressed it for 10 years. That provides hope. I did it once, I can do it again. Think back to what you did around that time... I'm going to guess it was some major life changes. There's your ticket.

Just remember, this is stupid unproductive bullshit. You are young. Those crazy monks spend most of their lives to get to a point like this, and by the time they do, they are set and have some status. What do you have? Either run off and join them, or play the game, get stable, and look forward to being old and in a home where you can spend your time drooling like an idiot exploring the infinite without consequence. You're going to want it to be a good home though, not one of those 60 minutes homes, so better get back to the game.

Trying to medicate to make it gone... that is something I feel is not a permanent solution. This is not necessarily a BAD perspective to have. I'm sure in this... the second it all "clicks", it's like connect-the-dots. Hey look, it's a fucking sailboat. Old old memories come rushing in that serve to verify that this is not something new, it's something you have always had signs of. How do you unsee the sailboat? Erase the lines? Dots still there, you still see it, it's a god damned fedex arrow piercing your brain. Erase the dots? You are now destroying your very being memories should not be suppressed like that. So.. take that pen and make some new dots and focus on those. The damned sailboat's still there, but you can focus on something else. You can go back the the damned boat anytime you want, but now it's not a closed loop, there's more to explore. Hell, you might discover that you connected a few lines wrong, and it was never a sailboat.

This is the mentality I am using. I am also focusing on the joy of being WRONG. When you are absolutely positive that you are right about something in a dream, it tends to be right. Set yourself up, wait for the wrongness to come and cherish that moment, use it as your rock, your lighthouse. It is affirmation that even in this hyper-real state you find yourself in, you can still be wrong. In fact, do yourself a favor... go out right now and buy a lotto ticket, detach all logic and thought from the numbers, let your hyper-aware self guide you. You'll either hit the jackpot and be able to ponder it for the rest of your dream, or you'll be WRONG. Take that LOSING ticket and stick it in your wallet. Do not ponder about it, laugh about it whenever the mind starts up analysis on the wrongness. You'll feel better. And in the meantime, see if you cannot find some meaningful way to exert your will on this world by playing the game.

 

[Lonely Traveler]

EEG + MRI both back and they are normal as normal can be... one source of anxiety is now resolved and I feel great