[Guest]

Since this started for me, one of the enduring features has been a profound sense of loneliness.
I guess I tended that way a bit even before - you know, just feeling a little different than the rest. Not quite fitting in. Special even.
But what I'm trying to describe now is the almost aching sensation of being totally alone in the world.

Finally done with all the rushing around for Christmas. Somehow managed to do our own little celebration this morning, go over to my parents later, then finish up at my mother-in-law's. Spending time with family, all of whom I get along with O.K., several of whom I actually like alot. Had a chance to see my older sister, for instance. Hardly ever have contact with her anymore, and wish I did more often. She's one of the few people I know who is able to accept me for who I am. I can tell her anything - and she's still my big sister.
Saw my sister-in-law. I've known her even longer than I've known my wife. The usual joking around......."when are you going to leave my sister and come back to me...", that kind of thing.
Just nice, normal family get togethers.
And there I was the whole time - all alone. Talking and laughing. Playing Christmas tunes on the piano.
All alone.
Rolling around in the mud playing football with my cousins and nephews.
All alone.
Hugs goodbye, promises to get in touch more often.
All alone.

Since this started, I've only met a couple of people who can help me feel like I'm part of something else. Something bigger. Not so alone.
In my attempts to grab onto the feeling...............I always seem to screw things up. I don't mean to hurt anybody, but it seems like I always do. All because for a little while I somehow find a way to NOT feel so completely alone. Not so lonely.
That's why I spend time here. In some small way - I feel like maybe I'm not the only one.

But it always comes back to the same. Just me, whoever that is, all alone. The only one in the whole world that feels like I do. The only person in the whole world who can't seem to connect.
Desperately looking for something, somebody to make the crushing, lonely feeling go away. If only for just a little while.

I wish I didn't feel so lonely.

- note to self: this is why you stopped drinking Clay. Sure, you only had a couple of glasses of wine, but you are tooooo sad to do even that.

 

[falling_free]

I also get this lonely feelign a lot of the time , like im always alone nobody knows the real me kind of feeling ,

but when I actually sit and think am I alone i relise im not , I mean I go out I drink , I see my friends I talk to them, I do things with myself

I think the profound lonliness feeling is a part of the dp/dr disorder as we feel seperate fromn things not an actual refelction of the reality of many peoples situation, I mean I may be wrong but im sure plenty of people who go on this website have a preety decent social life , some even families etc etc and the fact is I bet for the vast majority they do spend some good quality time ewith there significant others, its just that the dp/dr makes you feel bad or for me personelly whenever I am feeling good or a part of something, even feeling happy, there seems to be a part of my pyche that says no wait you can't be happy your not allowed etc etc, so I just think the loniliness feeling is made stronger by dp, but also is a natrual state of human reflection, like we only have a certain amount of time on this earth before we die, and sometimes it can feel like the time is slippping through our fingers like sand, hence lonliness

 

[gem]

sc, after reading your post I took a moment to think of what I would say to you. Your post was truly very sad. I could feel the lonliness that you were feeling inside. It is heartbreaking to know that we can feel so sad and alone. I can relate you what you are saying. Many times I am sure you have heard others say it does not matter how many people are around I always feel so alone.

I am going to try to send you words of comfort to maybe help you feel not so alone, especially at this time of year. Having alot of people around or having the ones we are close to does not mean that we will never feel lonely, I think why you may feel alone or why others may feel alone is because around those we love we may be sharing the love for one another but we are not sharing an illness. The illness is ours to keep for an unknown length of time and it is this that is making us feel alone. It feels like we are locked in a bubble, one can see you or talk to you, or we can see others who be around others but there is that block there that prevents us from feeling really connected. I believe it is the disconnected feeling that makes us feel alone. I truly believe that depersonalization is partly the result of deep rooted pain. If you are hurt over and over again or pushed away by others or you feel that you are afraid to feel or be close beause of being hurt that to me is reason for dp/dr to be born.

I have been singing most of my life, I remember singing many places and there would be crowds of people, no reason to feel alone but I was, I felt like I was the only one there. The heart closes of, the emotions seem to freeze with this illness and it leaves you feeling numb.

The strange thing about dp is the good emotions seem to disappear or we cannot feel them but the painful ones seem to get all the attention. I believe it takes time to let the body and mind heal. One day at a time as they say, do not expect feelings just let them happen, and they will, if you feel sad go with those feelings, if you feel like crying then cry, let your mind know it is okay. I believe people with our illness did not let themselves feel whatever they should have been feeling at the time and so the result is emotions are all pushed away and that makes it hard for our brains to know which feeling is okay to let out. If you let yourself feel what you really feel like from your heart in time you will learn to feel the happy feelings and not all the sad ones. We have been locked in sadness for so long that lonlinesss becomes our best friend.

sc, please know you are not alone, we are all here to help and there for each other, and as I have said many times the people here are kind and caring and we do undertand. You may feel alone right now, and it is okay to feel that because you know why, you are feeling, that is really important when we stop feeling all together then we must worry more. I stopped feeling a few years ago and I thought I would never have one emotion ever again. I tragically lost my friends and the pain was to much to cope with. I thought I would feel empty and alone for the rest of my life, but I am slowly healing and I am just letting my body and mind heal in it's own way. Right now the dp/dr is what my mind seems to need to handle the devastating pain. Also for last few years I seem to be going through the loss of a loved one and again this year, but I will let myself slowly feel again in time.

You may feel alone, but someday sc you will not feel that way, until then, just be you, and let your feelings come back by themself. i hope this helped a little bit, what I am trying to say is just let youself feel what you feel. Someday we will all feel not so alone anymore, we will be well again.

gem.

 

[Guest]

I agree with what Gem said, and I now feel much more "part" of the world. I have very few times when I feel isolated, or alone and not understood.

However....I will tell you, in all honesty, there are times when I feel like the ONLY place I am understood is here on this board. I am recovered, have had no dp at all in many many years. But maybe it's like those war veterans who need to have reunions every once in a while...to be "with their own."

The nightmare of dp is something that NO normal person can fathom. And when I feel especially different, or even slightly "off-center" in the world, based on my past, based on my life...I come here.

"Lonliness is a longing for KIND, not company." (not sure who said it, but I love that quote)

Peace,
Janine

 

[jc]

i get lonely thats when i decide to walk up the pub

 

[Guest]

I feel lonely all of the time to, I got friends, family etc but I just get this lonely feeling. Maybe a girlfriend will help with this??? I really have no idea at this point.

I got love for my family, well for a good portion of them anyways, but throughout the years I have felt kind of like the odd ball of my entire family. Its not because I don't get along with them or they don't like me, its because I think im just almost a complete opposite from mostly everyone else. The only people who I don't feel like this around somewhat is my 3 male cousins, one who I haven't seen because he is in the Air Force and is stationed in Japan right now. I dunno I wish my family was alot closer and stuff like that but I guess thats the way things go.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

sb, significant others can make you feel alot worse and alot more lonely sometimes. even in relationships you still maintain that on-your-own status. and when they f#ck you over you will never feel more lonely. even if you find the right person for you.. there will still be those times. dont bank on things getting better for you just because you have a girlfriend. but if you do happen to fall in love you can bank on alot more times of feeling good and wanted dispite the mental crap.

sc, im going to start calling you king kamehameha. cause it means 'the lonely one' lol. i dunno if it helps, but i think what you are talking about may not be just dp related. i think its something everyone struggles with its like the great mystery of life. you long to be connected, but you feel so disconnected. thats why alot of people turn to god. they look to fill that void. i dont want to pollute your thread with religion. but id just like to point out that god is not the answer. not if you do it out of fear. and significant others is not the answer. because they are their own entity and you cannot become ONE with them.. unless you are jeff goldblum.

i think what you need to do is try to fill that void.. with yourself. really getting to KNOW who you are. i guess this brings it back to dp at least for us.. because thats what we are struggling to find. OUR IDENTITY. i think what would be good for anyone struggling with identity issues is to be a hermit for a few years. get to know who you are and not be distracted with other people. we let other peoples energies, personalities, expectations and demands get the better of us to the point where we lose ourselves somewhere along the line. no wonder we lack confidence in ourselves if we dont know who the heck we are! :?

but we cant just know the self. we also have to LOVE the self. to feel totally comfortable in our own skin and feel total confidence. true confidence is something many of us lack. we constantly question everything to the point where we and our world around us fades into nothingness.

im not really sure exactly what is the correct formula for this.. but i dont think we are far off from finding out.

 

[Guest]

i think were all lonley because maybe we dont feel like being social because we dont feel we can express ourselves fully while we have this disorder. I myself am waiting for it to end and after that imm tellin myself im never gonna stay in doors for a long time again im gonna go travel and go out wit my friends all the time. But to be honest i dont think ill even have friends by the time its done and i dont think it will end unless im more happy.

 

[Guest]

i can totally relate to everything said.
it's lonley.

 

[g-funk]

how can you be lonely with such a cute cat? my cat is great company...talk to yours, they are great listeners. and SC, the pic of your cat asleep with his/her face mashed into the seat of the chair is hilarious. mine sleeps like that and cant understand for the life of me how it can be comfortable. sorry, slightly off topic. its 6am here and i'm fully insomnified...

 

[person3]

i'm quite the dog person myself...

 

[Guest]

before this wanders too far off topic Thank you for the interesting responses. I may expand on this subject later, I think it may be important to me somehow.........

Also, and not trying to advertise my little webpage or anything, but I always include pics of BOTH cats and dogs. And my youngest has a pet snake that I've featured in the past. Can't find him lately though...hibernating you know. We also have fish.
I pretty much live in a zoo.
So many animals, how can I be lonely?

 

[sleepingbeauty]

speaking of cute animals.. i ADORE your avatar sc. i love orangs and gorirahs. we gotta pray for all our furry cousins that were affected by the tidal waves.

yes our pets are the BEST company. you dont have to put on heirs for them. you dont have to act cool or put on a mask. they take you AS IS. but yea its not good to just keep the company of animals. then everyone starts refering to you as the crazy cat lady or the crazy dog lady.

 

[university girl]

SC, your post made me cry. Ultimately, I believe we are alone in this world. I've been hearing this more and more too... oh, and I absolutely love dogs...can't wait to get one...been waiting wayyyyyy too long.