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I'm new writing/talking about anything like this. My dissociation has gotten to the point where its impacting my daily life and I really don't know what to do about it. I hear my body saying words and moving and interacting with others but none of it is me.

When I was 11 I went through a pretty serious trauma. Since then I've built up these walls around me, for protection, to help me interact with other people throughout years of school and life and whatever, but somewhere along the way I feel like I walked out of the walls. I feel like the walls (i call it the castle i built) took over my whole life and now, when i'm starting to get better through therapy and stuff, i want to take my life back from the castle but i cant! Everybody thinks that this castle is me. Everyone thinks i've been doing well/working hard but they don't realize that this isn't my life! I feel like a stranger living my own life, sometimes I feel like it's been weeks since i've had any thoughts go through my mind. My entire life is being lived on autopilot and i dont know how to snap out of it. I dont know how to take my life back or to be happy. I have no friends at all and i am so lonely and simultaneously so anxious when thinking about being near and talking to other people.

Its this cycle of loneliness>self doubt>wanting to make friends but having no idea where to start>anxiety>loneliness and i'm just so tired of being by myself without anybody who understands.
 

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I feel like i don't know what my thoughts are anymore, I have also gone weeks and then realized how long its been since i was kind of aware of myself in a way that feels like i am real. i don't have a good way to make friends, its lonely for me too, you're not alone there. i really relate to everything you wrote and its weird to know that other people go through what i feel too.
 
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