[michaeljn99]

Hello everyone, I'm hoping I can connect with someone dealing with the same situation. After I watched Harris Harrington's dpdr program a few years back everything he said clicked with me. I lived half of my life pretending that my family was normal until I realized it was dysfunctional and authoritarian/narcissistic. Essentially my parents and sister always blamed me for any wrong doings they did and I ended up being yelled at, called names, and I was even the victim of sexual exploitation by my sister. Anyway, I realized this all when I was about 17, after I got dpdr from smoking marijuana and it felt as though my life had been a lie. I'm turning 22 soon and I still live in this household, where I am constantly ridiculed, called ugly and fat by my father and yelled at for being sick and tired. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder run in my family and I noticed my sister is developing some of these symptoms because she tends to walk around the house all day making random noises and getting paranoid when I am near her. Is this the only reason I still have depersonalization? When I was away from home once for 2 weeks I had dpdr but I barely felt fatigued even if I didn't sleep well, whereas over here I feel paralyzed, can't sleep, and paranoid. I tend to focus on negative things which has developed a sort of black-and-white thinking when I'm really stressed out where I feel unsafe and threatened, when I am calm I do not think like this but It has caused me issues I always blamed myself for when It is my family who has made me like this. Will my dpdr go away when I finally move out of here? Should I block all of them too, they usually stalk me on my social media and call me constantly when I am away. I feel tormented, I've tried everything while at home from diets like keto to high carb vegan, EFT, mindfulness, different herbal supplements and medications, CBT therapy and other doctors I spent thousands on. Everyday I have random racing thoughts through my head about negative things unrelated to home

 

[AnnaGiulia]

Hey michaeljn99, I responded to your other post, before reading to this one. I find it positive that you are aware of how toxic the home situation is. You are already ahead of me in that sense, as I am twice your age, but have been dealing with all the traumatic stuff only in the last several years, after I finally managed to understand how toxic my primary family was all my life. It is very wrong how your family is treating you, and all the things you wrote about, from verbal and emotional abuse, to sexual, can absolutely cause trauma. I am really, really sorry that you were growing up in such an environment.

I have one thought (perhaps they are two, when I think about it, lol) that kept me sane or alive, idk, while going through this hell. One, that I do not accept that I have to suffer, only because I already suffered. Like, I just wouldn't accept it, it didn't seem fair. So I was damn resolute not to let this (trauma, DPDR, dissociation), or them (my primary family), get the best of me. Two, I realized that the responsibility has to be placed where it belongs. No one in my family had shown remorse or accepted responsibility for what was done to me (it was emotional, cognitive (gaslighting), sexual, and physical abuse from the age of three, for all that I can remember). They did not deserve me back then, and they do not deserve my time or my emotions now.

For me, the only way to get better, was to accept the truth, but it was incredibly difficult, because we all want to have parents who love us, even if they are abusing us. My whole life, I had a terrible conflict within me, blaming myself for all the bad stuff that happened, because I so desperately wanted to keep an image of at least one good parent in my life. But it was impossible, as with every attempt at justifying her, I was giving up on myself. So, in the end, I had to look at those people, my biological parents, as they were nothing to me, and I only judged their actions. I did not judge them, I judged their actions, every single occasion when they could have made a decision not to hurt a little child, or a decision to protect her. But instead they made a conscious decision to hurt me, and perhaps less consious decision to look away, but it doesn't make it less terrible for me. The most painful of all, was the understanding that some parents just do not love their children, and even though it may seem self-explanatory from what I wrote, it was the most painful and difficult thing to understand, due to all the conditioning I was exposed to.

Anyway, from what you shared, I would say you have a lot to deal with even now, and getting yourself out of the toxic environment would benefit you tremendously. I cannot make prognosis as to how things will go for you, but it is possible to heal trauma, and to get out of DPDR. It is absolutely possible not to have anxiety 24/7 any more. I am saying this with certainty, because I recognize your DPDR as trauma-induced. There are other types of DPDR, that do not seem to be trauma-related, and they do not seem to react to therapy, but I don't think this is your case.

Take care,
A.

 

[xxmdogxx1]

Hey Michael,

I just had a similar post and it's interesting. I don't think paranoia is the right word in this context. I honestly think DP/DR just removes a layer of ego that allows you to feel things a little more harshly. It's not surprising that people are controlling and manipulative, it's just when you have DP you are completely helpless in the face of it most of the time and often dependent on those very people. So I wouldn't say it's necessarily paranoid, just a different level of awareness. Not being able to defend your own ego can be one of the hardest things to deal with when you see how masterfully other people do it even when they are wrong. Regardless you don't have to act on all these thoughts but just be aware of people's nature and try to find those that are not manipulative. Easier said than done.