[LISA NICHOLS]

well i thought i will write a little journal explain how my attacks effect me day to day life etc... maybe others can do that too then we can really understand how it effects us all!!!!
last night was a really bad night for me i started feeling bad at about 5pm i text my boyfriend telling him i wasnt feeling well ( he knows that means dp/dr) he text back saying i will be fine!!! yeah right i thought whatever !!! anyway my son wanted his dinner so i started to fry some chips then i went into a dp/dr attack and i couldnt keep still i felt like running upstairs but i couldnt as the chip pan was on i started to look through my kitchen drawers to get anything to try and occupy my thoughts, i managed to searve up his dinner ok and went straight upstairs i run myself a bath as i sometimes find this helps but while running it i was in a bad attack so kept walking in and out the bathroom as if i stay in the same place while im in the attack it freaks me out i got in the bath and read a magazine i was hyperventalating too and was in a bit of a state imanaged to calm myself down to the point i could lay on my bed and read over time i relaxed i finally went to sleep at 2am
today i woke up at 7am as soon as i woke up i knew it was going to be a bad day as everything seembed hazy dream like i tried to get on tho when all i felt like doing was going back to bed i went downstairs to make a cuppa and everything started to look weird like i wasnt really there i managed to make my cuppa and got my 7 year old son up i snapped at him when i feel like this i seem to be like that i feel guilty but at the time i dont really think about it you dont you just feel so suffocated by the dp/dr we left for school and it was pouring down outside also it was still a bit dark because of the rain my son was trying to talk to me and i kept snapping at him the poor boy proberly thinks i hate him but that isnt true. walking to school i was trying to keep focused everything started to look weird and my heart started to race like anything i was walking really fast i just wanted to gethim to school and get home again. i managed to drop him off ok and started to walk out the whole surroundings around me seembed so unreal so different i began to panic wondering wether i really was awake or not. by this point the rain was really bad it was going into my eyes and that made things worse as i could barely see by now i walked really fast back home at one point the feeling over whelmed me to the point i felt like collapsing onto the floor but i kept going i managed to get home and made myself a drink i was in tears at this point (( i cant even walk my son to school without freaking out)) im feeling really low today it doesnt help that i gave up smoking 4 days ago as that has increased my attacks too. i text my boyfriend to tell him how i felt but havent heard from him which made me feel even worse.. ive just tried to get on with normal day to day things to try and keep my mind occupied.

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

hi everyone well its saturday today i woke up through out the night as usual and finally woke up at 8am.i felt horrible as i couldnt focus and everything around me felt strange again!!!!, i went into the kitchen to make myself a cuppa and was trying to keep focused on what i was doing but it was like something inside of me was playing games with me and i felt like something bad was going to happen obviously that something bad was a dp/dr attack cos it happened soon after
i walked out the kitchen trying to keep myself together and take my mind of it as well as keep myself grounded... eventually the feeling passed and i managed to get on with things
i find that alot!!! my attacks happen as soon as i wake i presume its to do with coming from sleep into reality as that is what dp/dr is all about feeling unreal it is horrible
anyway as the day went on i felt ok i keep having pains in my legs and im worried i got dvt its mad i know but why would i have constant aches in my legs i know im not young but i certainly aint old lol !!!!! :lol:
i presume its cos i sit on my big bum too much im going to start excersising as i have given up smoking YES its been 5 days now and i can say that bought on many attacks i'll tell ya!!!! but i stuck with it i can be stubborn sometimes lol :lol:
anyway im having a lazy weekend just me n my son my boyfriend may pop up tommorow if im lucky but he is busy working ( he works in the army!!) anyway i will write tommorow or later if anything changes take care have a nice day everyone !!!!

me n my man

 

[Tom Servo]

So Lisa, do you have feel fine some of the time and DR'd others, or do you always have DR that sometimes gets worse? It's tough trying to raise a kid when you have this, huh? I was a single dad until my daughter was in her teens. I'm sometimes amazed that I was able to do it.

Croydon! I was in Croydon a while ago when I took a wrong turn on they way to Gatwick. I should have gone south off the... M29, I think. I went north. I was really grumpy when I figured out what I had done, so I didn't really check out the town much. Sorry.

 

[Milan]

my attacks happen as soon as i wake i presume its to do with coming from sleep into reality as that is what dp/dr is all about feeling unreal it is horrible

I know what you mean. I'm starting to wake early lately, between 2 and 3am and it's really getting me down. The insomnia makes it so much worse. I also believe that my dreams have a huge effect on my DR/DP.
Your not alone.

I know the little ones can irritate you but try to be nice to them. I sometimes snap and yell at my son and feel incredibly guilty afterwards. Makes me depressed. Go watch them when they're sleeping, they're like little angels, that will calm you down.

You seem to young to have a 7 yo. You have a nice family

 

[Martinelv]

Well Lisa, for a start, you are far too attractive for your boyfriend. Leave him for me. Cheers.

Secondly - you are a very brave young woman. Despite the horrific nature of your DR/DP, by the sounds of it you still manage to carry on pretty much as normal. The trick is to keep doing this, don't give in..in fact, take up more hobbies, do more......

DR/DP feeds on your attention, so don't give it any.

 

[kchendrix]

I agree with Martin... Of course I can't ask you to have me replace your boyfriend because of married, so I cast my vote for Martin.....

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

So Lisa, do you have feel fine some of the time and DR'd others, or do you always have DR that sometimes gets worse? It's tough trying to raise a kid when you have this, huh? I was a single dad until my daughter was in her teens. I'm sometimes amazed that I was able to do it.

Croydon! I was in Croydon a while ago when I took a wrong turn on they way to Gatwick. I should have gone south off the... M29, I think. I went north. I was really grumpy when I figured out what I had done, so I didn't really check out the town much. Sorry.

i always have it really it just gets worse over time

LMAO :lol: what you like!!! he he he well you didnt miss much he he , nah croydons ok really !!!!

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

Well Lisa, for a start, you are far too attractive for your boyfriend. Leave him for me. Cheers.

Secondly - you are a very brave young woman. Despite the horrific nature of your DR/DP, by the sounds of it you still manage to carry on pretty much as normal. The trick is to keep doing this, don't give in..in fact, take up more hobbies, do more......

DR/DP feeds on your attention, so don't give it any.

:shock: lmfao!!!! im far to attractive am i blimey are you blind lol !!!
he he he

im coping just but it seems like everytime i get through a bad patch the next dose is that bit worse its like nature is playing games with me

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

I agree with Martin... Of course I can't ask you to have me replace your boyfriend because of married, so I cast my vote for Martin.....

:lol: :wink: :wink: :wink:

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

well its 1am on a tuesday i cant seem 2 relax (as usual) ....
this weekend was hell to be honest i felt so low and kept having lots of dp/dr attacks
sat night i even contemplated suicide i grabbed all my pills even wrote a goodbye note and went upstairs in my bedroom whilst my boyfriend was downstairs i layed on my bed crying my eyes out i really wished i could speak to him but theres only so much you can tell someone and they get annoyed with hearing the "same old" so i just stayed upstairs i thought to myself i wonder how long it will take for him to come up n check on me so i layed on my bed and layed an layed 3 hours went past ( just imagine if i did take the od well it would of been ideal really!!!)
anyway by this point i was getting hungry lol so i went downstairs and my boyfriend said " are you ok" i felt like hitting him lol but i just kept my mouth shut. an hour went past and he finally discovered the note which he took the wrong way and thought i wanted to split up with him he went straight into a bad mood and started questioning me obviously at this point i thought " i give up" lol
i told him i felt suicidal and i dont think he took me seriously untill he found all the pills upstairs and even then he wernt really bothered oh i give up
today well yesterday (monday) we spent the day at home again and i had numerous attacks again i felt like crap ended up rowing with my boyfriend "over personal things" im sure you lot dont want to hear but put it this way in my eyes im going through all this crap and im really trying to make an effort for him yet he cant be bothered for me
i dont know i give up

 

[fingertingle]

For some reason your frequent use of the emoticons is cute. Usually it makes me want to punch the screen, maybe you just have a "cute" online personality...hahaha

What's a cuppa?

(sorry this definitely wasn't a helpful comment in any way)

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

hey everyone, well im still here last night i was suicidal i really honestly hand on heart had enough.. but weirdly when i was feeling at that low and was about to finish it all my front door went and alot of commotion was going on this was early hours of this morning, my mates a man and a women had a row and the man had parked his car on my drive till he could move it as it had broken down anyway the women came up and started smashing the car up on my drive!!! next thing i know the man turned up by then the women had fled and he told me that she was going to petrol bomb the car on my drive !!! i was like omg!!!! :shock: .. anyway the police got called and it all went on for a few hours which obviously took my mind off me being suicidal by the time everyone had gone i just couldnt be bothered to do nothing but fall asleep!!! i was going to believe me but at that point i just went to sleep (mad or what) anyway i woke several times in the morning but went straight back to sleep i finally woke up at 9am only having about 3 hours kip i felt really bad but at this point my son was awake ive just spent most the day in my bedroom feeling horrible in dp/dr. im so scared i really am i am honestly scared because i was so close to finishing myself off last night i really was
i put on my garage tunes to try n cheer me up stop myself from feeling low its got me on a sort of happy medium so much so im not really thinking suicidal at mo
my son is on half term luckily so at least he aint missing out on school as if he were suppose to go id doubt i would be able to take him in
im such a crap mum i cant cope i dont know what to do i feel so guilty my son deserves a better life more then what i can offer him i was even thinking of putting him in care i know that sounds horrible and i am his mum but he is only suffering by being here with me and i dont want me to effect him and him needin mental health help i just dont know what to do anymore

 

[fingertingle]

Don't be so hard on yourself about your kid. Every kid has problems. Most parents make huge mistakes. As long as you are trying your best and showing the kid that you love him, he should turn out just fine. These things will only make him stronger.

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

me and my boyfriend dan

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

thats the thing i aint got nothing to offer him if anything im crushing him slowly he needs to learn, grow and enjoy his child hood but all im doing is ruining it i honestly believe he would benefit and gain alot more if he was to live somewhere else

 

[kchendrix]

As tough as this is, don't ever say that you are beat, as hard as this is , as hard as it seems it is to go on. As strange and frightening as it is , don't quit. Get yourself on the phone when you feel that way, get your self some professional help, I know you probabaly have already,but call them, call a friend, do anything but quit. Your son,, no mater what you think, probably loves his mother dearly, think of how he would feel if he didn't have you. You might be free of this world but he would be left to live with that the rest of his life. No matter how bad you feel , you owe it to him to try, to get the help you need. He is not better off with someone else, no matter what you are his mother, and you know most little ones think the world of their mom no matter how flawed.

THink of what you will miss of him when he grows up, think back to when you saw him take his first steps, or when you gave birth. Remember those beautiful wonderful moments.

Dig down as deep as you can and find that I can't quit spirit. I have been as low as you, I have been feeling bad lately, but I will not give up , I love my kids and grandchildren too much , I want to see them on Christmas mornings to come, I will beat the hell out this thing one way or the other, but I WILL NOT QUIT> Get mad now, get angry at this thing and tell it that it will not win.

I live in the US, IF You PM me I will give you my phone number and if you ever feel like quitting again , you call me. I know you don't know me, but this board is like a big family and when one person hurts so bad we all try to help pickup the pieces.

Now come on, call your Doc, tell them how you have felt and see what they can do for you.

Peace and Love
KC

 

[fingertingle]

It is good that there are people like you in the world, kchendrix.

 

[terri*]

Hi Lisa,

I have read all your entries and I think the best things that could be said were all said by KC. Reread his post often when you are in need of knowing there is a reason for you to be on this planet.

You are needed and loved.
terri

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

hi everyone yeah thankyou for your advice it really did help i feel so much better now especially as my boyfriend came all the way up to see me tonight to see me as i was feeling so down he totally cheered me up which is amazing as i was on deaths door i feel totally different now he has made me feel so special and that really helped too.

but thans once again for all your advice

 

[boohoo]

Well well. Quote Martinelv.

Secondly - you are a very brave young woman. Despite the horrific nature of your DR/DP, by the sounds of it you still manage to carry on pretty much as normal. The trick is to keep doing this, don't give in..in fact, take up more hobbies, do more......

Sorry to take offense here, but I'm agoraphobic and I refuse to believe it's because I'm a coward. I believe you either have agoraphobic tendencies, or you don't.
Sorry.

Lisa, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I find it really interesting to read someone else's daily life, as it's so simillar to my own. It sounds as if your boyfriend is really helping you to get through this. Hope you're doing as well today.