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"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

-Albus Dumbledore

I can't remember what it was like to not feel this way. So I'm just here to take advantage of what life has to offer. And I'm laughing about it, as often as I can. The first attack was the worst. I was sitting in the bathtub with my significant other and we were happy, when all of a sudden, the concept of a "bubble" made me cry. I thought "I had my whole life ahead of me" and depersonalization has ruined it, but this was before I had a name for this new, scary headspace. This new me. Or not me. Who am I? After a lot of obsessive pondering, I've come to the conclusion that the meaning of life is to spend time with people you love and do what makes you happy and encourage them to do the same...And as much as I hate depersonalization, I think it's allowed me to be who I was supposed to be.

I feel both apathetic and enthusiastic about life now. The apathy towards life in general comes from a measurable loss of anxiety since the depersonalization struck. If I win or lose, who cares? "Nothing really matters. At all." This new perspective has allowed me to enthusiastically lose myself in my pursuits, whereas before I was held back by a fear of failure.

This hysterical happiness comes from knowing that I could die at any moment. I never forget about my mortality and this actually gives me the greatest release. The fact that everyone that I know will also someday die has pushed my mind into a state of constant terror. I don't care about how I'm perceived when it's all on the line because I know that my heart is true. Depersonalization has allowed me to feel my own raw core...and I'm fully convinced that"to know me as hardly golden is to know me all wrong".

The one thing that has helped the more severe depersonalization symptoms become manageable:

-Taurine, 12g, in divided doses, (preferably) on an empty stomach, with vitamin B6 for absorption

(Severe symptoms for me are nightmares, hallucinations, panic attacks upon waking, nausea, speechlessness, and the resulting depression caused by all of this.)

Furthermore, I've lost myself in poetry and movies and music...in stories. I no longer think about "beating" the depersonalization...I am the depersonalization. I'm everyone and no one important. I am because I feel...If you've ever been touched by a poem, a movie, or song, you have it inside of you too. If you can suspend disbelief and get lost inside of another world, another sensory experience, you're real. When I feel most alone and can't sit still with my very being, when I just want to expire because of how much living hurts, I remind myself:If you weren't real, it wouldn't hurt this much.

And then I know...

No one will ever truly understand the kaleidoscope that is me, the multidimensional, prismatic, unique self of which there is only one of, whose intricate thoughts bounce around inside my head until all I can hear is ringing bells. But you can come close to me while we brave this life, which is the nearest we'll ever get to eternity, together.
 
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