[Phoenix Rose]

I first got dpdr when I was 20, (18yrs ago) I had it in the worst form for nearly three years. I slowly recovered and was me again, life was better than it had ever been, because the recovery makes life even sweeter, I felt so good… for maybe a week or so (dp in recovery process usually goes from chronic to mild to normal) so I got to the normal stage again but little did I know, my friend ocd would make things difficult for me.

I started reading about meditation practices and all that stuff. I read that some relaxation techniques may cause out of body experiences, so naturally my first response was to freak out and then the ocd irrational crap kicks in and basically I spent years after that not being able to relax, like I felt paralysed from feeling good, having fun, feeling happy… I mean it was literally messed up.

I had a son I looked after full time so my focus wasn’t on myself and being able to get help but eventually I did and no one has really been that helpful too be honest but I started training my mind and ocd to become more rational, I overcame all that and I’m able to be happy and obviously there is so much information out there on so many things and when you have had an experience like dp, mixed with ocd and then you’re reading stuff about out of body experiences well it’s a cocktail for a disaster.

Anyway, til this day it haunts me because even though I overcame it all, my ocd doesn’t let me completely forget and keeps certain things linked together so I might experience moments where I’m re living the trauma of feeling paralysed and unable to be happy. Or another one I went through is a stage where I couldn’t do what I’ve done before when I had dp, so I couldn’t dye my hair and I knew this was stupid but until now if I do, I get symptoms of dp back which I don’t have time for, but I’m not dealing with dp now, it’s the ocd that keeps everything alive.

Or another time when I had to keep moving to a new area if I had to move when renting, I had to leave a place I was so happy in and couldn’t go back or my mind would think I was going back in recovery. I don’t know how to be happy since leaving that place. My heart is broken. I have felt truly alone in this unique cocktail of my experience post dp. So many times I just want to end my life but I have kids and I can’t. Some days I feel like all I need is to be understood, to be among people who get it. Who accept me, even when I’m not well at times. That’s all I want. Thanks for reading.

 

[Samzone]

I feel you. I cant say how similar our OCD is in severity but one thing that helps me cope is acceptance. We were born with an OCD brain and there is nothing we can do but accept it and learn to live with it. I also think this OCD brain of ours has its benefits.

I’ve had OCD tendencies since I was a young child. My father lectured me on the punishment in hell for those who lie. I got so scared of lying that I could never answer a question with Yes or No. It was always ”Maybe” or ”I think so/not”. I was so afraid of lying, even unintentionally, that I could literally not be decisive on anything and it lasted for months.

This is how I know that this anxious OCD brain I have, I was born with. But I believe this tendency has also helped me. I am more aware and have attention to detail than many of my peers. I am more careful and can sense danger a lot easier, probably have saved me from making bad decisions many times.

A friend recently told me that I was my own worst enemy, and it struck a cord. He was exactly right. Why am I scared of myself? How can the fear of myself bring me so much agony?

I think you need to do the things you are afraid to do. Color your hair, do some housewarming for your new home. Do the things that makes you scared of yourself and trust that it will not harm you. Try your best to love and accept yourself with everything it contains. That is what I’m trying to do now and it helps a lot

 

[Phoenix Rose]

Thank you, I know the ocd is an ocd brain we have to live with. I just wish I never had dp or that life wasn’t so confusing because ocd makes it all so much harder to cope with.
I agree, Iam going to do my hair, f you ocd. I’m just waiting for a less stressful time so I can come out the other side easier.

I used my ocd to my advantage too, I decided to create an obsession to get away from the other ones, so I started obsessing about making money because of losing the place I loved, I want to own my home so it never happens again. The money started coming in although it’s slowed down now, I have been worried about doing anything that triggers the dp symptoms through surrendering the ocd though because I feel if I start getting brain fog etc it’s harder to be on the hustle and make more money because you gotta be sharp. This is my latest obstacle. Thank you for sharing, means a lot, ocd is so hard to live with. I wish you well.

 

[Stevemc92]

Yes I think about it all the time but I try distract myself as much as I can. Prozac has really helped me despite what people in this sight might say about SSRIS