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I just started to thing how strange it day you just wake up and you are different. You feel depressed. Down. Bad. And day by day you forget what life even was.
I cant get it. It feels so strange to think life in here. I dont remember anymore or care. I have just accepted this. And i dont know what this is and is this how life is. But it cant be because i remember better life. Hmm... Better life was before depersonalization but now this is not even depersonalization this is dead. Heres nothing. No direction. Not even sense of life. Or should i eat now or sleep now or what? I dont undertsand how this can ever change. Nah... I dont just believe. These things are somewhere far which are holding me back. So i think i dont even wanna go there. Because i know how hard it is. I accept this and just live for nothing. I dont care. Sometimes something happens and thats usually bad. I have to do everything to keep something that i can go out. If i dont focus enough hard i get so distracted in my head. Maybe this is somehow life still.. But this is so low. I dont know. Im wrong. And all is wrong. Infinite nightmare. I forget everything. I suffer and then forget... Again and again.
And lifes strange thing anyway.. Heres many ways you can go along with life. When we think recovery comes from suffering and then fixing it.. Its not like that.. I think we are suppose to choose were we believe and what we focus on. Patience have to be enough. And then whenni feel so blind and just left here suffer. I dont feel like i choose my own reality. But when i start to think about it it is how it is undernearh this all.. And i start to feel so anxious and confused and uncertan. Why my life is then this bad.. Have i chosen this deep down? Keep i just crearing miserable reality because its all i see or know. And nothing really cares or knows it. It can happen my whole life. Sometimes i see how badly im trapped. And i become hopeless.. And just choose to stay right here...
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