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Learning to Crawl

967 Views 9 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  jake
I feel like I'm learning to crawl again, or walk, or live, or whatever. I'm trying to figure out what it is to have a normal thought process, and it's annoying because I know that for a long, long time I had that thought process and I wasn't obsessing over my thoughts and by the fact that I'm thinking things didn't bother or disturb me or I didnt' have thoughts in my head dthat were screaming in frustration and even fear that i was going to lose it. I feel like there is a part of my brain that is freaking out, screaming in panic becuase it can't get over this dp, it can't connect to myself. I'm scared that I really will collapse eventually and just cry and scream and get locked up becuase that's what I feel in my mind right now. I don't know how I function so normally and so well in the outside world, I really don't, when inside i'm terrified and freaking out at my mind. My minister said something about looking into yourself to find something and it freaked me out, thinking how I would be looking into something that is me that is always there and how can i look into myself when i'm always looking into myself (Like i'm not some robot with compartments that I can just peep into). I have been freaking out at the aloneness of human beings recently, that we are always stuck thinking and doing things on our own in our minds and that only we know what is in our minds and we have to always think. I can't believe that I used to just have thoughts and that was did it come about that now thinking thoughts freaks me out because now they do...i am always monitoring how i'm thinking and what I"m thinking and I dont' know how to STOP and just THINK again and not be thinking about thinking. I feel like i'm living behind myself. Ugh, i'm just so frustrated recently that I'm not getting better. Sorry for the long ramble. Any thoughts?
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I just spent a week alone and it was the worst idea ever. My brain and me. My brain that will never ever shut up. I agree, we all have to stop listening to ourselves but how in hell do we do that?

It is so strange that we appear so normal on the outside and on the inside everything is screaming. Sometimes I will be having a conversation and I will think how strange it is that all these people think I am so normal, happy even, when in my mind it is just a mess.
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