I wish that english would be my native language but it is not. Anyway I try to express my thougts so clearly as possible
When I was between 10-18 years, my parents used to drink and quarrel behind closed doors. As a good-natured child I never showed my fears or my hate. Instead I became a boy who smiled almost all the time, even when I was sad. At that time I did not understand what was happening to me because it happened so slowly, day by day. The result was that I could not feel almost anything, not happines or sorrow. I had friends but yet I felt lonely. My ?ego? was close to zero and thought that nobody could ever love me or get marriaged with me.
I think that I was around 15 years, when I had my first DP/DR. It was one evening when my parents were once more drinking and quarreling and I thought that I cannot take it anymore. I went to certain kind of ?state? which I cannot remember quite well but I do rebember that I was afraid of what was happening to me. I do not know how long did it take me to come over it.
When I was about 18-22 years I had longer period when I felt some kind of DR but it was not very strong. Couple years later I started dating and after 2-3 years I got married. Unfortunately 5-6 weeks after our wedding day my wife said that she loves more her workmate than me. After one year we divorced and they got married (later on). So that was not a big success-story. At that time I cried a lot but afterwards almost never. I became mentally paralysed. Although it was difficult time I did not have any DP/DR.
Years went by and I became spiritually active. I had also a good job, many hobbies and quite many new friends. Nevertheless one day I noticed that my life felt very empty and at the same moment DP and DR hit me very strongly. It was on me in every second about 1,5 years and after that about 1 year daily but not every second. Nothing seemed to take it away, not mecidenes, not therapies, nothing. I was sure that it will never go away. I thought that I was going insane, everything around me seemed to be unreal. I felt that I am loosing myself and sometimes I was not sure that I do really exist (even I knew I do). I was a salesman and it was too hard to do that kind of work in DP/DR. Fortunately I got another job in the same company. My boss was very understanding.
After 4-5 years I went to another company. First 4-6 months were very hard and then DP/DR hit me again. I had constant fears. This time I got Cipramil from my doctor. First 1-2 weeks were totally horrible but then my condition went better very rappidly. I also started to visit ACA ?groups (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and that was very helpful for me. After 3-4 month I was totally ok, no DP/DR at all.
After 5 years I went again to another company. This time the first 6-7-months were also very hard times and I got DP/DR. Then I got cipramil and started to visit ACA-groups. After 2 months my life was going very well. No DP/DR at all ? I even felt happy and got married again. I stopped taking cipramil and worked too much and now I have quite bad DP/DR. Once more I have started to take cipramil and visit ACA-groups. This time doctor also told me that this is DP/DR, so I do not have to quess it anymore.
I think that big emotions, stress and exhaustion triggers me DP/DR. It has also something to do with existential questions like ?who am I?,?what life all about?etc. It is very important that I sleep enough and relax. It is not easy when I have been used to run away from my emotions by doing something all the time.
In my case I think I have DP/DR because I have kept my feelings ?behind locked doors?. I am afraid that too big feelings will destroy me and I try to control them. It is not possible and when those feelings are coming I feel quite strange to myself.
I hope you understood me. Greetings from Finland
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greates of these is love