[falling_free]

I find these days and even before my breakdown that I have no will at all to do , to act to live , to be alive.

I go to universisty - Because I must, bescause I need some kind of money in the future, can't ever put any emotion or energy into work.

I go out drinking with 2 friends and drinking friends - Because it beats doing nothing all day but sit inside wasting away, still don't really enjoy myself.

Job wise- Job??? I have no idea, probably inputting data into a database or excel or something extremlly boring, well at least I dont have to attempt to process any kind of rational problem solving thought, because franky, I cant process a single coherent thought for any more than about 2 seconds without my train of thought going insanly ridiculous.

I feel like a zombie, I have no mind or no body or no will or no soul or no nothing, im already dead. I don't really conversate with people much, in fact at the weekend I had a talk with a friend of mine which helped slighlty for a while, Isolation certainly makes dp worse it would seem, hmmm kind of crap then that I have to go in uni every day and talk to about 2 people for 10 minutes for the whole day while consequnelty tripping my tits off like some kind of madman.

I used to enjoy skateboarding, now I dont have the energy , I go on my board and as soon as im outside, I want to get back inside my house and I cant summon energy to skate or indeed enjoy myself.

Immmm such a tiiiiiiigggghhhhhhttttttt asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss (with added glitches)

 

[fingertingle]

I feel the same way about school. I just go into robot mode...

 

[Scattered]

The DP for me isn't so bad anymore. Its depression thats sapping my energy. I have depression like a low grade fever that never goes away yet never really gets to the point where it endangers me. The problem comes when I start to analyze my life. Then I become DP'ed its like I have to escape myself because I realize how bad the issues I have really are. At that point I just don't want to be me.

Otherwise I can relate to not wanting to do anything. I have just enough energy to get up go to class and sometimes do reading assignments and homework. Otherwise I do pretty much sit on my ass and rot. My afternoon coffee is the most exciting part of the day. Thats sad.

 

[falling_free]

my mid afternoon coffee break is preety much the highlight of my day as well

my social life is in need of a preety serious improvment

 

[Martinelv]

It's a choice. Depression or not, you still have a choice. As the film says - get busy living, or get busy dying. If you choose to live, do whatever it takes - medication, therapy, whatever. The other alternative is a life of misery. It really is as simple as that. It's not a question of willpower at all.

 

[Scattered]

Actually that is completely a question of willpower. Amidst depression, a condition that saps people of energy, it takes tremendous willpower to do anything. It takes willpower to "get busy living" when every bone of your body would rather just sit down and waste away. It takes willpower to change habits when anxiety makes it feel like you're going to have a heart attack or go insane when you try to do the positive things that should lead you out of it.

 

[Martinelv]

Absolutely not. The only time that willpower, in this regard, is needed, is the willpower to decide not to give in. I don't care how depressed you are - even if you are so depressed you 'think' you can't get out of bed, wash the dishes, go to the shops, you still can. Depression, while incredibly debilitating, does not stop your legs from working. You are not going insane. You are not going to have a heart attack. You must get up, go out........even if your brain is on fire in the gutter. What else do you think will help? I'm really interested to know. Willpower is a myth. The only reality is the choices you make.

And most importantly, if you don't do anything about it except waiting for a miracle that will never arrive, how do you expect to get better ? Tell me. How?

Women in Sudan walk 25 miles, each way, every day, to fetch water. They must do this to live. Do you think they enjoy it? I'm sure they are so crushed by misery and physical exhaustion that they'd rather die. But they do, because they must. Like you and everyone else on here who doesn't know where to turn, these women have two choices. Live or die. In our case, misery or recovery. What do you want to do?

If you do make it out into the street, the bar, the gym, and you start to panic or sink into misery, keep going, keep fighting...don't go home and pop a benzo. And if you don't 'stick it out', I'll tell you - it's back to misery square one. Remind yourself of that next time you are freaking out. Make the decision. Make the choice to live.

Every single second, minute, day, month, year - that you give in to these feelings, is one more second off the happyness clock. Willpower insinuates that some people are stronger than others. Rubbish. Will has nothing to do with it. In situations like ours, willpower is irrelevant. Willpower comes into play in situations like when deciding whether to eat just one more wafer thin mint or not. Or shall I give up smoking.

The choice that you have to make is like the choice you make when trying to cross a busy road. If there are cars coming, you don't, because you'll die. Nothing to do with willpower there. If there are no cars, you walk across. Nothing to do with willpower either. Again, you make a choice. Your symptoms, be it DR/DP/Depression/Anxiety, want you to cross the busy road, to keep you in misery so to speak. So treat them like you would treat any other dangerous situation. Leave it. Do something else. Live.

The choice is yours.

 

[Dreamer]

Apologies.

EDITED OUT.

 

[Martinelv]

Removed.

 

[widescreened]

Hi Dreamer,Im very sorry to hear about your depression,from your posts,youve struggled with yourself for a very long time.Im also sorry to hear the sad story of your friends and the manner they died.Apart from the loss of friendship and the tragedy of their death,you must never confuse their circumstances with your own.The manner in which they died,even if they had depression was a choice they made and should have no influence on your own situation.Thats very easy for me to say as Im not depressed at the moment,and when you are down and vunerable,its easy to believe in fate,the easy way out,escape etc etc.These moments are the moments you have to find it in yourself to believe in free will,and personal choice.Many depressed people make the most of their lives because they found it in themselves to believe this,and many lived miserable lives,haunted by looking at statistics and other peoples actions.I hope I dont come across as being patronizing or unhelpful.Im speaking from my own experience of deep depression where the option of taking my life both relieved and terrified me in equal measures,compounded with the certainty I was going to do it if I looked at statistics.But time has bought clarity;the ability to sift free will and choice from the rubble and chaos of depression.I am active,hold down a responsible job,enjoy passtimes,drive,pay tax,and although I probably feel much deeper about things than most,I have accepted my mind for its own uniquity.I hope you never forget that free will and personal choice ALWAYS EXIST,irrespective of what other people may do or behave under similar circumstances.

 

[Dreamer]

Apologies.

EDITED OUT.

 

[Martinelv]

Removed.

 

[Scattered]

Sorry for opening that can of worms. Because for the most part I am a self-indulgent little shit who wallows in pity. As such, you're point is well taken Martin. I was just trying to appeal to other experiences which I probably should not have done.