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Hi, I just joined dpselfhelp literally a couple of hours ago. I've been checking up on this site for a couple of months now and I guess it's time for me to actually write something. Anywho, here's my story. Im in highschool and I've been experiencing this crappy disorder for a looong time. I remember in middle school I would walk to my classes and I would feel like a ghost, an empty shell. I would think, 'what the hell am I doing here?' Just walking to class would give me bucket loads of anxiety and feelings of unreality. (I actually feel like im developing a phobia for school) Even when I was passing another student in the hallway I would have waves of DP dunk me underwater. Eventually I stopped talking to everyone, because talking to other people became SO WEIRD. It was like I wasn't actually talking to them, and my thoughts "weren't mine" if that makes any sense. For instance a friend would walk up to me and try to start a conversation. One word: TORTURE. I basically had to fake being interested and fake everything because it felt so... inauthentic. I just became a mask. Some days I would tell myself, 'it's alright today's the day you're going to get better,' yet I never did. And that's what you are going to have to come to terms with. You can't just tell yourself im going to get better and *poof* It takes time. Anyway I had a chat with my mom, and she gave me a lot of insights into my own psyce. When I was a kid, maybe when I was in third grade, my family started going through some bumpy roads. We became homeless for quite a while and my parents constantly struggled to find a place to stay through the night. My parents found a cheap motel for us to stay and we ended up staying in that motel room for 2 years. As a kid I had a hard time coping with living in a motel room year after year and I became depressed. After we got out, we moved from one homeless shelter, to the next, and to the next. While we moved, I stayed at the same school, due to a program you all might not be familiar with, called the Mckinney- vento act. Slowly, I started becoming less confident of myself, but I didn't realize it. I felt very inferior at this point, but STILL I didn't recognize it. I was wearing jackets to cover myself up ALL of the time, which I now realize was a type of (in)security. And the relationships I had, were becoming projections of my own subconscious doubts, fear, and inferiority.

What my mom told me recently really made me think back to all of the traumatic situations and pick out ONE IMPORTANT DETAIL.

SELF CONFIDENCE.

I want you guys to really dig deep, think back to your childhood. Think long and hard. Did you ever have nebulous feelings of guilt or inferiority or isolation? I'm thinking that is what triggers DP. DP is like your mind turning on itself. It's a blessing and a curse. It's designed to help you, even though it may seem like you're in a constant state of hell. For example, you either feel like you have no thought processes, or your thoughts are hooked up to a never ending high voltage electric box. Your mind is giving you the opportunity to observe itself, unbiased. You feel detached from what you're saying: but at the end of the day, who's saying it? You are. You're mind is just working on overload trying to wake you up to buried feelings by numbing EVERYTHING out in order for you to get an unemotional, unclouded, unfiltered, view of what you REALLY ARE underneath. Uhmm yeah, enough of my stupid philosophical rant, I hope I made a little bit of sense.
 
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