As I posted before , before I went on vacation July 2-9 I was doing much better. For some reason I started having palpatations, which made my anxiety worse, which made my DP/DR worse.
I am taking a stand today, I am puting it in writing because I find that when I write something down it means more. I have had enough of this crap, enough of this self monitoring, " AM I Real?" DO I feel better now then I did a minute ago, am I going to have another Palpatation? Am I going to die, or go crazy or loose control in the next minute.
I am coming out, I no longer want to feed myself to this unrelenting animal.... I don't want to live life like a freak in a side show any longer. If focusing outward is a key to recovery, I am going to focus outward away from symptoms, a way from obsessing. I am going to try an focus on my son and helping him into manhood, of looking forward to seeing him graduate highschool in three years. This is my life , not that of this anxiety driven monster that wants to suck me up one drop of blood at a time, it wants my time, I am not going to give it the pleasure. I am going to starve the bastard to death.
I am going to accept that if I want to get better it starts right here right now. It is a battle of acceptance and moving forward. I was better before I will be better again.. I am the same KC inside I was before this hit. I am putting up notice. enough is enough. KC is going to slay the dragon come hell or high water. It has sucked enough of the life juice out of me, now lets turn the tables, lets suck the life out it.
Am I crazy? Maybe so what? Am I real, Damn straight Im Real, who said I wasn't. Do things look wierd sometimes , oh well then they look wierd sometimes.
It is time to stand up and to stop focusing on this issue. So if I don't post here for awhile , it isn't because I don't care about you guys. I can't keep obsessing on this crap any longer.. I haven't decided if me coming here is keeping me in that mindset.... I know it has helped do stuff like I am doing now, which is venting. No More then that summoning courage from every recess of my mind to say STOP it ,, STOP it ..... Turn the other way and march back to being the whole person. Don't keep giving the monster the power. Just like when we were kids, we would think there were monsters under the bed or in the closet. There never was. This monster is just as made up out the stupid symptoms we have. Ok you are not scaring me anymore, what's the worse you can do to me , make me a drolling idiot, well I won't know it if it does will I. If I go so crazy and so delussional.. I won't know it will I. If it kills me, I won't know it will I. So what it is is FEAR , Fear of the unknown. Fear of the Unlikely. No more.... So either I win or I loose. But It has got to stop , starting today , starting now, No more giving in .
I am taking a stand today, I am puting it in writing because I find that when I write something down it means more. I have had enough of this crap, enough of this self monitoring, " AM I Real?" DO I feel better now then I did a minute ago, am I going to have another Palpatation? Am I going to die, or go crazy or loose control in the next minute.
I am coming out, I no longer want to feed myself to this unrelenting animal.... I don't want to live life like a freak in a side show any longer. If focusing outward is a key to recovery, I am going to focus outward away from symptoms, a way from obsessing. I am going to try an focus on my son and helping him into manhood, of looking forward to seeing him graduate highschool in three years. This is my life , not that of this anxiety driven monster that wants to suck me up one drop of blood at a time, it wants my time, I am not going to give it the pleasure. I am going to starve the bastard to death.
I am going to accept that if I want to get better it starts right here right now. It is a battle of acceptance and moving forward. I was better before I will be better again.. I am the same KC inside I was before this hit. I am putting up notice. enough is enough. KC is going to slay the dragon come hell or high water. It has sucked enough of the life juice out of me, now lets turn the tables, lets suck the life out it.
Am I crazy? Maybe so what? Am I real, Damn straight Im Real, who said I wasn't. Do things look wierd sometimes , oh well then they look wierd sometimes.
It is time to stand up and to stop focusing on this issue. So if I don't post here for awhile , it isn't because I don't care about you guys. I can't keep obsessing on this crap any longer.. I haven't decided if me coming here is keeping me in that mindset.... I know it has helped do stuff like I am doing now, which is venting. No More then that summoning courage from every recess of my mind to say STOP it ,, STOP it ..... Turn the other way and march back to being the whole person. Don't keep giving the monster the power. Just like when we were kids, we would think there were monsters under the bed or in the closet. There never was. This monster is just as made up out the stupid symptoms we have. Ok you are not scaring me anymore, what's the worse you can do to me , make me a drolling idiot, well I won't know it if it does will I. If I go so crazy and so delussional.. I won't know it will I. If it kills me, I won't know it will I. So what it is is FEAR , Fear of the unknown. Fear of the Unlikely. No more.... So either I win or I loose. But It has got to stop , starting today , starting now, No more giving in .
