I'm kind of bored at work, so I just thought I'd express some words to my DP people...
I've been dealing with this "mental stuff" for many years. I've always been a shy person. Always been a Mama's boy. Always paid close attention to the decisions I've made and how they will affect my parents expectations. I have always wondered what people think of me. I've always had different views than the norm of society (i.e., sex, drugs, etc.) Lately, I just feel less and less that I am a part of this earth. I honestly don't see my purpose here. I don't have any emotions. I don't cry, I don't laugh, I just exist. And though I exist, I am isolated from the world that I am in. Isolated from it as it relates to feelings, actions, vision, sounds, interests, anything. It's like someone put me on this earth, but forget to give me the ability to feel, understand and know how to feel about being on this earth.
I am 25 years old. I have a good family. A great brother. Good friends. I pray every day and attend church every Sunday. I eat healthy, I exercise 4-5 times a week, I drink plenty of water all day, I get the right amount of sleep. I see a therapist and I have trial and errored many anti-depressants, yet, here I am, physically sick since Tuesday and mentally sick since half my life. Why? Though I do everything healthy as mentioned above, since my thinking is unhealthy, it makes my life an utter doom. What is the point? Honestly. I can just tell that I am just deterirating. I've been physically sick three times in the last year. Each time I had a fever, aches, the chills, sweats, a cough, a sore throat. Three times this year! And during my four years of college, from 1998-2002, I got sick once! And in high school, I can't remember getting sick more than twice! And ya know what? I drank heavily in college, didn't get as much sleep, partied, was way busier than I am now, and ate less healthy then. So why now have I gotten sick three times in one year? I am sorry that I am all over the place, but I am just frustrated. Frustrated that I have to live my life like this. I feel like I'll never get married and have kids, because hell I can barely find enough mental energy to live my own life and most of the time, I wonder how I do that. How the hell am I supposed to have a wife and raise kids in this capacity? I have NO feelings. NONE. The only feelings I have are fear and frustration. Thats it. Sure, I have my weeks where I feel a little better, but I never know when I am going to feel shitty and DPed and depressed again. I hate it. How are we to deal with this? Why should we be summonded to be in a place where we don't even feel attached to and mentally a part of....why is it fair that we feel isolated from the world we are in?...what makes it right that we have this disorder?...why do we have to put up with this and live like this..why?
I've been dealing with this "mental stuff" for many years. I've always been a shy person. Always been a Mama's boy. Always paid close attention to the decisions I've made and how they will affect my parents expectations. I have always wondered what people think of me. I've always had different views than the norm of society (i.e., sex, drugs, etc.) Lately, I just feel less and less that I am a part of this earth. I honestly don't see my purpose here. I don't have any emotions. I don't cry, I don't laugh, I just exist. And though I exist, I am isolated from the world that I am in. Isolated from it as it relates to feelings, actions, vision, sounds, interests, anything. It's like someone put me on this earth, but forget to give me the ability to feel, understand and know how to feel about being on this earth.
I am 25 years old. I have a good family. A great brother. Good friends. I pray every day and attend church every Sunday. I eat healthy, I exercise 4-5 times a week, I drink plenty of water all day, I get the right amount of sleep. I see a therapist and I have trial and errored many anti-depressants, yet, here I am, physically sick since Tuesday and mentally sick since half my life. Why? Though I do everything healthy as mentioned above, since my thinking is unhealthy, it makes my life an utter doom. What is the point? Honestly. I can just tell that I am just deterirating. I've been physically sick three times in the last year. Each time I had a fever, aches, the chills, sweats, a cough, a sore throat. Three times this year! And during my four years of college, from 1998-2002, I got sick once! And in high school, I can't remember getting sick more than twice! And ya know what? I drank heavily in college, didn't get as much sleep, partied, was way busier than I am now, and ate less healthy then. So why now have I gotten sick three times in one year? I am sorry that I am all over the place, but I am just frustrated. Frustrated that I have to live my life like this. I feel like I'll never get married and have kids, because hell I can barely find enough mental energy to live my own life and most of the time, I wonder how I do that. How the hell am I supposed to have a wife and raise kids in this capacity? I have NO feelings. NONE. The only feelings I have are fear and frustration. Thats it. Sure, I have my weeks where I feel a little better, but I never know when I am going to feel shitty and DPed and depressed again. I hate it. How are we to deal with this? Why should we be summonded to be in a place where we don't even feel attached to and mentally a part of....why is it fair that we feel isolated from the world we are in?...what makes it right that we have this disorder?...why do we have to put up with this and live like this..why?
and the depersonalization could go away at any time...for good. so don't give up.
