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Life feels hazy. As if I'm waiting for the fog to lift, yet it never does. I've never understood the purpose of life.. Why are we here? What's the purpose of all of this? We're born to later live a crappy life and be stuck with nothing but responsibilities, daily routines, and no happiness. I feel that I constantly have to fake my smile, constantly pretending to be okay when things really aren't. I hurt so bad inside. I wish it would all just end. Why was I cursed with these mental disorders that affect my everyday lifestyle? Why can't I be normal and just be genuinely happy for once? I have to depend on these damn medications that provide me with artificial happiness that have more side effects than the actual benefit. These damn disorders affect my work, school, relationships, and everything in between those lines. I'm so numb yet I feel everything; contradicting isn't it?? I think too much of the future and don't enjoy the presence. These constant anxieties and worries are a pain and never leave my mind at ease. I wish for once I could sit here and enjoy the moment without thinking of what I have to do, what needs to be done. I'm so angry at myself for having this. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this. But I'm being greedy because I know others have it worse than me. It still hurts though, having to constantly fight with your mind to prove it that you're in charge. I'm so drained. I don't remember the last time I actually felt like doing something. I'm always having to force myself to do things whether it be hang out with friends, go to work, do this or that. I'm tired of being tired. All of these mental issues are exhausting and it's been going on for too long. I'm tired of all of the failed relationships that have come along with this. I think about everything too much and shut myself out; and there you have it, another screwed up relationship and it's my entire fault. God how I wish I could just be happy.
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