[Axel19]

Recently I've started to suspect that I am actually going mad, that I am in fact scizophrenic. It's been over two years since I last obsessed over this.
I don't know why it's come back all of a sudden, but sometimes I am convinced that I am going mad. It's just that my thinking has become increasingly outlandish and weird.
It's as if I'm forcing myself to think the weirdest thought possible. When I say weird I mean WEIRD. I can't really be bothered to describe any of these thoughts, but they tend to be about the nature of reality, mind/matter etc.
So how can I tell that I'm not going mad? Or should I just chcek myself into a psych unit or something?
Lord I'm sick of this crap.

 

[Guest]

A. It would be the SLOWEST impending psychosis known to the history of humankind.

B. If you checked yourself into a hospital, there is nothing whatsoever they could do for you except prevent you from harming yourself. Highly medicated on Haldol, you would be lying very quietly and STILL thinking the same thoughts you're thinking now.

C. If I was not going insane, as desperate and obsessive as my delusions were for SO many years - making me too afraid to leave the bedroom let alone the house, then you are not going insane either.

HOWEVER....if you persist in delving into this netherworld of Reality/Unreality ponderings, you will find there is NO bottom to it. There is more and deeper terror awaiting as the mind implodes further. But none of it involves psychosis.

Love,
J

 

[Guest]

1... Schziophrenics dont realize that what they're thinking is illogical or weird

2... Schizophrenic's would never obsess over it fore they feel their the normal ones

3... If you werent already diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, go get it done.

You're pattern of thought has become a one way road because of illogical fear.

 

[sebastian]

I have nothing to add that will help Axel, except to say that i can totally understand what you mean, as i'm going through the same thing. I have little fits where i think, Wow, i really am nuts! It's even starting to act itself out in places, especially work where i'm beginning to express myself in more and more bizarre ways. I even sometimes hear myself say something and think, "Wow...i sound like a lunatic. Cool it, mr. sebastian. Maintain normality."

I've plummeted depths i'd hitherto thought impossible to reach with a mortal mind. I've faced fears of an unspeakable nature. Night after night i go to bed, convinced i've slipped past the point of no return.

All this "Don't worry, you're not going crazy" stuff used to soothe me quite a bit until i realized, What the hell difference does it make, if I'm not "crazy" by society's standards. Life is still a perpetual stalemate. I can't seem to unwrap my mind and think right again. The sebastian from years past has been buried somewhere in amongst the ethereal tapestries of space and time, and i've lost that person and all his memories forever. Crazy...sounds like bliss. Well, not really. But i remember when i had hope...when there was still a chance...and i don't feel that anymore.

Anyway, there's nothing more for me to add here. You're not alone in any case, axel.

s.

 

[Guest]

Its like.. you just gotta be willing to take it. Understand that theres nothing doing that will fix this and that you will continue to be odd forever. Then things start getting ok. You realize that you are in fact some kinda crazy.. but in a good way that allows you to see past the intrinsically stupid things in life and focus on the more bleak and real. Then you realize the nature of reality and the point of the game of life.. you figure out that we're all doomed to die and that the interim is all that matters. Then you buy a van and live in southern california for the rest of your life just surfing and living on the beach with just you, the machine (body), the van, and whoever else you can find who would want to embrace the truth and beauty in life as well. oh pbbt. Yeah.. im buying the van pretty soon. hehe..

eDfGr33n
"we're not mad.. its everyone else who is mad.. we're just not like them."