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Hi guys. So today I spent Mother's Day with my mom. Last year I spent it fighting with her. I feel like since I got DP I've been more emotional especially with my mom. We don't live together we haven't for more than a year because we used to fight so much and never really got along that great. Our relationship got better afterwards.

Now I'm sitting here just crying my eyes out I can't fully be here emotionally with her. This woman gave birth to me, went through so much loss in her life before I was even born. And she's so strong idk how someone can be that strong and I'm so weak. She has anxiety, vertigo, and has fibroid cysts but they're not dangerous *knock on wood.* she gets up every morning, goes to work. She's lost her mom at a young age, she had her cousin die in a drunk driving accident and she was told she was lucky to even be alive, and lost a lot more. She lived with nuns for a year after her mom passed, then moved to America (from Italy) to live with her grandma.

I opened up to her about the thoughts I've been having since this all went on. She said "I think about these things too especially when I was your age but that's just part of life." And I told her how do I accept these things and she said we have each other and we're here and to enjoy it.

I keep having the same recurring thoughts, "Well if people were born before me then we just all be ok" but people who're older than me have had this when I was younger and I didn't, or "Why are we all here" then I'm like "we should appreciate just being here" then I keep questioning words and I'm like "it's all made up language so do they actually mean what they mean" then I look at my cat and when she starts to pur I'm like "my cat can feel emotions of love so I know love and happiness has to be real" now I see the world differently. I keep questioning the name of every state and country. Who came up with the name of months, why're the zodiac signs so accurate, I feel like I'm going insane with all these questions.

I've never EVER thought these things in my life. I knew we lived on earth this whole time, like when stuff would come out about mars and how there might be life i'd be like oh that's cool but never give it a lot of attention. Or I actually had a convo with my friend one day and we were like "do you ever think of who came up with the word 'chair'" and I was like I can google but we were like nah we're gonna drive ourselves crazy.

I think once the emotions and ego are numbed, you just fear every single thought. My mom doesn't have this so these thoughts she can just leave alone. But it makes me feel comforted that my own mom has thought these things and she's ok. Idk if anyone else can relate. I've had this for 5 months, stopped eating a lot and lost 20 pounds, my whole body feels weightless, I still don't know why i got this random panic attack.

I mean yes I had a loss at the time a few days before, saw my absent dad at the funeral, have me little attention then didn't say bye. Obviously that stuff have always bothered me but I've always been strong and can handle it. I know myself. But this loss was someone I grew up with, she has a year younger than me, she passed from lymphoma. Also I left my childhood job of 4 years a month before that and moved into a new apartment.

So I REALLY want to say all that commotion going on at once caused it ? But now I'm stuck with these thoughts and being scared. The panic attack should've just happened and that's it. Been gone in the morning. I'd rather have a thousand panic attacks in my own body even though they're the worst than not feel in my body. What do I do .... I think my main problem when it comes down all to it is the existential questions and afraid death. And I really don't wanna hear "it's inevitable" or whatever the case, I just want it off my mind.

I just wanna go to the gym again too but I feel worse when I do workout I feel worse. I just need advice ..... coming from a scared 22 year old girl
 

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The existential thinking is all part of this nasty DP condition...

It subsides in time Kristenn and becomes alot less scarey and disturbing....In fact in time you will learn to use it to your advantage...I know I have...

I suggest you take things as easy as is possible for now...No stress!!!...Even subtle everyday stress....Eliminate it all for now...You are already experiencing enough as it is along with all the fear and panic etc...

I think youve been through alot of trauma and are going to need time to recover from it....The DP will ease off then....I can guarantee you that...We all improve in time...

For now you need to surround yourself with caring, loving, considerate, understanding friends and family....Avoid the pull your socks up brigade...They just make us feel worse....Toxic people places and things have to be eliminated...

You will bounce back stronger and wiser...I promise...Just hang on in there......
 

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I have had those thoughts nd they were very severe. At one point my doc thought it could be OCD but it went away eventually.
 
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