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I just joined, and I'm really glad I found this place. I suffer from intense DP/DR at certain times. This got a little long, so I put it into the stories forum. I hope that's okay, even though this is sort of an introduction.

As a kid I had short spells that I quickly learned to control by forgetting whatever I was thinking and everything that would make me think of it again. It usually had to do with God and life and death. For whatever reason, I couldn't handle the concept of death/reincarnation. I wanted to be able to live this life with the family I have forever.

I started smoking weed not too long ago, and have been doing it quite a lot lately. It started as being just a cool feeling. Then, probably somewhere around my 10th time, I had my first bad trip. It wasn't the worst, just feeling out of place and having a few thoughts similar to those from my childhood. After a few more awkward times with weed, I finally hit the edge. I was alone, and it was one of the first times I smoked by myself. It was like I was drifting off into the void of time and space. Complete nothingness surrounded me, which almost sounds impossible now. You all know what I'm talking about. I was seriously having a breakdown. It takes a lot to actually make you consider calling up your parents and admitting everything in some child-like hope that they'll be able to help you. I was so scared that I was going to die that I was about to call 911. I pretty much settled on the fact that there was nothing after death, which in itself is worse than hell to me, but I also couldn't stop thinking about it. I coudn't ignore it, and it felt like I was fading into it right then and there. Talking to an online friend over MSN helped just enough to keep me sane.

After that I was scared to death of weed. For days on end I was depressed and out of it. I gained a new understanding for clinical depression. Even in school, with all the things to take your mind off things, I was terrified. I didn't want to quit, though, and it took me a while to find the balls to say, "It's not the weed, it's me, and if I don't want to miss out on some great experiences life can offer me through drugs, I'm going to learn what it is that happens to me while high." If nothing else, I wanted to learn to control it. I know that using drugs again after you have an attack while high isn't something a lot of you suggest doing, but it worked out well for me. I hit a new level as far as I know. It's just been a whole new way I can really look into myself. When I said that I've been smoking a lot lately, it started after this. For about the last week I've felt great, it's almost been a whole new outlook.

Well, I was sober all day for the first time in around a week today. I felt good until around 6, when out of nowhere "the fear" surfaced again. It wasn't as bad as usual, but enough to really scare me. It just made me wonder if I'm really getting better, or if I'm using weed as an escape instead of a tool. I really do think that weed gives me a better way to look at life, but I wish I was sure. I also know I'm not addicted (in the usual way) because my only reason for wanting to use it today was to get away from the fear. I almost regret not doing it though, because it would have been a good test to see if I could handle weed's effects on me. Just the same, staying sober was a test in itself.

I don't have much to write for a conclusion. Sorry again for the length. I guess there's not much you guys could suggest or comment on that isn't in another thread, but this is my way of starting to post regularly.

Edit: I forgot to actually change the forum after deciding to move it. If someone thinks this should be somewhere else, sorry.
 
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