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Just a rant

142 Views 0 Replies 1 Participant Last post by  meow

So I had an appointment with my doctor today, and he said that the dp was probably brought on from anxiety and stress, and the drugs I did likely accelerated the process. He told me it would take time to recover, it would be very gradual, and I probably wouldn't even notice it happening until one day, I realize it's not there anymore. Which makes sense, based on a lot of what I read. And as we were talking, I realized that I was such a huge jerk to myself! I always played the victim.. I would ask.. why me? why would this happen? But it was due to my own self. I was making myself the victim by treating myself like garbage. I would always put myself down, and tell myself negative messages. I had been bullied before, but I was the biggest bully of all. I would hold myself to unrealistic standards, try to control everything, and when I was less than perfect or things didn't go according to plan, I would take it out on myself. I would cope in unhealthy, harmful ways, and it would always hurt more than it helped. I'm not surprised the dp came along and wanted to protect me from all of the pain I was feeling inside.. since I never felt good enough and always felt inadequate. There may have been things in the past that have led me to think this way about myself, but I was the one keeping it going. I would never, ever treat anyone the way that I treated myself, and I can't believe I thought it was okay to treat myself that way. I need to treat myself so much better. Even since the dp came along, I have already started making changes.. mostly because I wanted to dp to go away, but I now realize that it's so much deeper than that. I'm hoping I can overcome this, and take all of this that I have learned so far and make myself stronger. No longer be the victim, and not be a victim to my own thoughts. No more wallowing in self pity, no more "why me", although easier said than done lol. But I'm going to try my hardest! Since there are no quick fixes, I want to make the most out of this time and waiting, and finally take care of me.
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