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Hello I'm new here and I would like to share what I have gone through and what I'm experiencing, this Is quite difficult for me as Im nervous to, but I feel as if its necessary.

Most likely like many I have been through a lot in my life so far,

I have experienced traumatic events, and recently it's been the big haul of many traumatic events in my life that has led me to experience such depersonalization symptoms.

I can't point out where it all started, there's been many difficult things that have happened but, maybe a list of some will help get my point across.

  • Mother abandoned me and my sister two days before christmas (for no reason), Spent Christmas alone together at my place (I live in a student house). Had no contact with her for a bit over a month.
  • New Years eve; drank wayyy too much, (didn't help I was on 50mg of sertraline at the time, so got really drunk, people who experience getting drunker faster on an SSRI know what I'm talking about) also smoked too much weed (yeah great idea right, WRONG). Experienced a full blown panic attack and severely bad high.
  • Started feeling symptoms of not feeling like myself, and many philosophical questions, ex; "This is my name, but why? It doesn't feel like it" "I sound like this? It doesn't sound like me"
  • Had a week of not noticing myself in the mirror (have it occasionally now), started to think I was going crazy, I sometimes think I still am, thinking such things as; "Maybe these are signs of schizophrenia, or bipolar, or something worse" But I knew what I had/have is generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder, I knew that, so why am I thinking Im going crazy?

I got blood tests done, perfectly healthy, not on sertraline anymore, the whole deal. But I just can't seem to get my head around that this is just an anxiety symptom turned into something bigger. The fear of not knowing for sure what this is really bothers me. Is this depersonalization? I don't have too many symptoms of derealization, I know the world around me is real, the sky is real, the wind in my face is real. But I just don't personally feel like myself really, sometimes I feel numb, as if someone is talking for me, that my emotions are out of wack, that my brain maybe broke or something like that.

I have started taking vitamins, (fish oil, multi vitamin, vitamin V&D) but am hesitant to start taking St.John's Wort, which I am considering.

Anyways, I think thats all I pretty much have to say about my story. I hope anyone who is scared, see's some glimmer of hope. I am trying my hardest to see hope everyday, to force myself to eat and do things, to get healthy, even though all I want to do is run away from myself.

Little bit about me; I'm a 19yr old University student working part-time, while trying to focus on my art work as well (Im a very busy person, lol).
 
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