Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What an awful day. I was doing ok for a few weeks and I had a bad day. The urge to obsess was present however I tried my best to not indulge. I find that when my obsessing goes away, it pisses me off that I did not accomplish anything and that's when it comes back. I feel as if I just swept dirt under the rug and not really "cleaned" the mess. Henceforth, I go back to obsessing, not resolving anything and then back to quiet and back again. One big circle. My mind today was in total brain lock. I tried to remain parked in neutral since whenever I try to think, I will end up obsessing about the thought. The pro of being neutral is that your obsessing is minimized but the con is that you feel dead inside and that your not given permission to think or feel. Your mind is mad out of ceramic and that any kind of thought could possibly shatter it. I can't stand being in neutral. Sometimes I talk to myself in order to convince myself that I am real or sometimes I try to talk to myself outloud in my mind (e.g. "wow that sky looks pretty".) in order to convince myself that I do have feelings and that I am a human. But my mind just stares back at me with skepticism, unconvinced. It tells me that you are not allowed to think this way. this is not you. I live in a mental alcatraz. I want to be the way I was during the years 2001-2004. I was in great mental shape.