What an awful day. I was doing ok for a few weeks and I had a bad day. The urge to obsess was present however I tried my best to not indulge. I find that when my obsessing goes away, it pisses me off that I did not accomplish anything and that's when it comes back. I feel as if I just swept dirt under the rug and not really "cleaned" the mess. Henceforth, I go back to obsessing, not resolving anything and then back to quiet and back again. One big circle. My mind today was in total brain lock. I tried to remain parked in neutral since whenever I try to think, I will end up obsessing about the thought. The pro of being neutral is that your obsessing is minimized but the con is that you feel dead inside and that your not given permission to think or feel. Your mind is mad out of ceramic and that any kind of thought could possibly shatter it. I can't stand being in neutral. Sometimes I talk to myself in order to convince myself that I am real or sometimes I try to talk to myself outloud in my mind (e.g. "wow that sky looks pretty".) in order to convince myself that I do have feelings and that I am a human. But my mind just stares back at me with skepticism, unconvinced. It tells me that you are not allowed to think this way. this is not you. I live in a mental alcatraz. I want to be the way I was during the years 2001-2004. I was in great mental shape.
Journal Entry April 13, 2005
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i hear you perfectly thats exactly how i feel. like when the sunsets i try to tell my myself in my head that it is pretty, but it says i can't think that way. this is such a horrible disorder and its hard not to think about it, you have to force yourself. if we can beat this we can beat anything else life would throw at us. this may not be a physical illness and we may not feel physical pain, but inside we are hurting deeply, even if we do not cry the mental and emotional pain is unbearable. just the pain of not being anything and not feeling human, its just as bad as a physical pain.
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i too was in pretty good or great mental shape for the past 2 years before this. i thought i was on top of the world and nothing really that bad could happen to me. i loved sports and music and was coming into my own. i used to love life so much and take nice half hour drives listening to music and what not, but now i can't do that anymore.
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