I've probably started dissociating since 3 years old due to emotional neglect. My mom gave me no love or guidance. My dad left when I was 10 and I was too scared/proud to say I didn't want him to leave. I've faced years of emotional abuse at school but I've just been zoned out most of my time growing up. full blown dp/dr has only started a year ago though. I used to live in a constant state of anxiety and negative thoughts. My symptoms were basically that of avoidant personality disorder. It seems like most people here were relatively normal before their dpdr started and it was triggered by weed/psychedelics. But, for me I've just been fucked up entire life. People know me as that guy who is depressed/shy/hates himself/fucked up. All I've ever done was play games/listen to sad music/read self help/sleep. I never pursued any hobbies or interests because I thought it would burden my mom. I never tried to make any friends because in my heart I believed I didn't deserve any. Honestly, I feel like I've never truly lived a single day in my entire life. To just be free and live from my heart, not in my head. It might be hard to imagine the life I've lived based on this post, but has anyone lived a/recovered from a similar life? Also, is it possible I have Dissociative Identity Disorder? I don't know if I could handle such a diagnosis. I'm 22 years old and I feel like suicide is just inevitable. Help?