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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm going to try to make this analyzed well and simple and we can see if there's a correlation to whoever reader.

FIRST RECALL EVER HAVING DR
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I was in first grade at carpet time. I looked up at my teacher, and her face looked so odd. It looked fake. I remember thinking this is so strange what is this why does she look like that. Went away instantly.

STRESSED TO MAX freshman year and had symptoms.
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I never felt or had distortions of UNREALITY. I was so stressed out I simply just felt "out of it." I had a brain fog and remembered looking it up and online depersonalization coming up and me thinking wooow I am not as screwed as these people I don't have this dang it sucks to have this etc but I DONT HAVE IT. Now looking back I actually did, it was just extremely mild. I had a brain fog felt like I wasn't really doing stuff half the time but I was never coming out of my body or having severe symptoms etc. I basically drank a gallon of water everyday and tried to get healthier and it went away. Never thought anything about it.

FIRST TIME SMOKING WEED- MY TRIGGER
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The first time I smoked weed I had a psychotic reaction where I thought I was lost in time for months and was never going to get back to reality(this is even an UNDERSTATEMENT). I woke up the next morning. I had dp feeling like my mind Had a gigantic cloud in it and wasn't in control of my own body movements etc ... I knew I was screwed. This time I looked up depersonalization and I knew I had it. What's funny is I literally just had it for like 2 weeks, and it went away like nothing happened. My first time smoking weed was by far the worst even though I've still had bad "trips" afterwards but my first time I had a complete psychotic and out of touch with reality reaction.

SMOKING MORE AND STILL TRIPPING
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After my first time smoking weed I have no idea why but I did it a few days later. Don't even ask me why. I have no idea. The one reason I can tell you is that during my psychotic reaction it felt like I released a ton of emotion freaking out. I would smoke again and lose it again, have DR, DP, time did not exist anymore. But I HANDLED it better unlike first time. I would pull my close friend outside and literally say "it's happening again, I feel like I'm in a dream." Strangely, I would convince myself to try to enjoy it bc I knew it would go away the next day. I wouldn't even have dp dr the next day. I'm in a dreaaaam... cool!

KEPT SMOKING AND ID STILL HAVE SYMPTOMS BUT IT WOULDNT BE AS SEVERE
I would smoke and get derealization (the vision unreality) but it would always eventually go away. Like I'd have it from being too high and it would go away unhigh or It would be the next day and I would get it for a few minutes like a spurt and it would go away.

I KEPT SMOKING AND NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED ANYMORE
I got to the point I never even had dp dr anymore. I'd smoke like a regular person and have the best time ever. Laughing my ass off, no unreality. Dp dr was out of the question anymore. That was newbie shit.

THE HORROR BREAKTHROUGH CAUSING MY DP DR FROM AUGUST THIS YEAR TILL EVEN NOW.
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I smoked out of a gravity bong. It was very potent and I literally only took 2 hits out of a water bottle. I didn't even know the weed was that potent , it was California weed called king tut. Long story short, I had a massively depersonalization and derealization attack like the first time I got high except not as bad. I could still control myself .. I tried to take a cold shower to make my high come down. I thought I could overcome it. Also (dp dr was out of the question... I didn't cause myself to have this.) but my body literally felt up and to the left, the water was pounding on me but it felt like I couldn't even feel it, my feet looked fake the shower curtains looked fake and my thoughts felt like I could physically feel them. My arm felt shorter than it was and my knee felt like it was in the ground instead of my foot. There were two people I smoked with and of course... they were just fine.

THE HELL I ENDURED
I woke up the next morning and of course something was still off. Just felt like my hand wasn't mine. But this escalated. I go to class probably like two days after this incident and my DR kicks in massively and my teacher looks fake as hell. This just gets worse ... my vision stays distorted and DRd all the time now, my spirit feels as if it's lagging out my body when I walk, my limbs aren't mine, my vision is severely distorted. I have my first ever panic attacks. I cry all the time to my mom saying I can't feel my arm. I go to therapy. I have deep disgusting existential thoughts, I fear slopsism and that never even came into my head once all the other times. This lasted for months and I'm not even completely recovered. Like sometimes I think I am then sometimes I realize I'm just scarred.

IM IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.. BUT
I still have symptoms. My vision isn't completely cured but this is a part of my life now. I obsess and think about it even when I'm not having symptoms because of the profound impact it had.. shit was insane.

ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS. WHAT WAS SO SPECIAL ABOUT THE LAST TIME.. WHEN THERE WAS SO MUCH WORSE BEFORE???
Like you'd think I'd have the reaction I had to the last weed smoking the first time I smoked. This was just traumatic. It was so uncalled for .. and no I didn't obsess or try to make it worse I did nothing different than I had done the times before.. this was involuntary. I couldn't help this something took over.

Why was this one time the trigger for hell so long?

If you read, thanks.
 
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