Hey guys, just a follow-up to my previous post...I am still DP-free after eleven days.
I went through some turbulent emotions these days, I cannot remember the last time I have been in such a state of vividness, with a lot of crying, tbh...but also with some surges of energy and eagerness to do things...
I also had some meaningful dreams, well, nightmares really, that presented me with feeling I was unable to feel before. It was not unusual for me in the last three years to feel emotions in my dreams, and then, when I wake up, to basically lose any connection to them...This time, however, it was different.
I know that my DP came about related to traumatization, and I am aware that it is not the same for a number of people here. However, I still believe that the mechanism of the disorder, or the state, must be similar in some way, so perhaps my experience might be of some consequence for someone else here, as well.
There is no need to go into the details of my traumatization, but in my nightmare, that was basically replaying the memory of trauma, I recognized the affect, a combination of helplessness and rage, that was with me my whole life. I was not aware that I am harboring it, as it was masked as anxiety in almost every situation in my life. When I woke up, I was still able to identify that feeling as my own. When I went out for a walk, I felt the anxiety rising, as it is my reflex to most situations. However, this time I was able to identify this feeling of helplessness and rage behind it, and I was able to consciously get myself out of that state.
I don't know where this will lead me, but I would be glad if it stays like this. I am curious to see whether my emotional response will again shut down on me, if it happens that more of this emotional content is to come my way...or perhaps I am finally done with it...idk
Anyway, take care,
A.
