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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel so fake and every time I talk to someone I feel so guilty because im fake. Like I dont actually mean anything I say. I cant commit to anything. Its like I cant have an emotional conection to anyone anymore. The most annoying part is that me and my brothers are distansing from each other now and its like I cant do anything except sit and watch as it happens. Now whenever I kiss a girl I feel nothing. Its like im in a front row seat of watching myself and my life fall apart slowly but surly. I hate being around people because Im so ungenuine now I have no thoughts or feelings of my own so I just fake it. My head feels like its going to explode and the worst part is theres nothing I can do. It feels like everything is fake. Now I hang out with and people that I dont even like hanging out with. I feel so much pressure in my head and when I talk to people its like my head is spinning. Im about to go to college and its so fucking depressing that I am not going to be able to make any friends that I actually care about because I cant fucking feel. Getting drunk dosent even make me feel anything. Getting high makes me insainly paranoid. Its like everything is to real. Like everything is a big deal for no fucking reason and it pissis me off. Like are you fucking kidding me. I have one life and im not going to be able to make good friends or a family because I cant fucking feel anything towards people. But at the same time am calm (but not in a good way). Idk how to explain it. Its a feeling of not being able to get out. I cant get out. I feel like I need to rip my skin off. Sad songs dont even make me feel sad anymore. AS well its like I dont have any social awareness. i feel like im not aware of anything. It feels like im retarded. I want to build relationships but its like I cant. And forcing myself to have feelings wont work. I just feel like such a fuck. As well im watching my younger brother play for a soccer youth pro team and my other brother being happy and ok. It pisses me off that they get to have things that I didn't growing up. It feels like I was the test subject for my parents and now they know what to do with my brothers. Its like nothing matters. We are all going to die anyway. Like we only exist for max 110 years and then boom we are gone. We are so fucking small, insignificant. Like the universe is like acatrillion billion gagillion years old. We are nothing. ALl my friends are happy partying drinking all the time and im not. All my old friends just drink, smoke and do nothing. its like they have no personality. And now its happening to me. I feel like i have no identity. Im just an empty body on auto pilot. I cant enjoy anything. Only thing I like to do is jerk off and buy GTA dollars to get vehicls and shit. I used to be an energetic, funny, creative, deep, and real person but now its like im the exact opposite. Now I hate being around my brother because they just remind me of everything that im not. When i was growing up I allways wanted to be something great and now its like its impossible for that to happen. Im not even a real person now. My head hurts for most of the day. Im so parranoid all day. I try to do as much excersize as possible so I can just be so tired that I dont have enough energy to be stressed anymore. Its like im barley holding onto reality. I cant tell if things happen earlyer today or like a week ago. My memory is trash now and Im embarresed of myself. I feel like im allways trying to take something from other people. Like I need to find something that will cure me but i know nothing will. Im only 18 and feel old, tired, angry, annoyed at everything and serious.

Thats about all that I can think about for now.
 

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I feel guilty too, but I know it's only partially my fault. I went through the looking glass at age 17. I had frequent attacks of panic and altered states of consciousness. Migraine auras, head tremor. I lived in fear. I experienced 5 horrible episodes of major depression from age 17 to age 57. Each was an epic struggle for survival. I was diagnosed with "atypical depression". They're so full of shit. At 57 I found my illness while researching a British Neurological Journal. For 40 years, I was suffering a rare epileptic syndrome whose "worst case scenario is when the post ictal psychosis segues into an affective disorder of major depression." I had an EEG to verify my self diagnosis and I was told I was disabled at age 57, (from an incident which occurred when I was 17.) Every decision I made in those 40 years was heavily influenced by my illness. And I feel guilty because I was acting for those 40 years. It was only by looking back with the knowledge of the illness, that I was able understand and put my life in focus. I wonder what gave David Byrne the inspiration for the lyrics of "Once in a Lifetime". "and you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife, and you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?, and you may ask yourself "how do I work this?"
 

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I feel so fake and every time I talk to someone I feel so guilty because im fake. Like I dont actually mean anything I say. I cant commit to anything. Its like I cant have an emotional conection to anyone anymore. The most annoying part is that me and my brothers are distansing from each other now and its like I cant do anything except sit and watch as it happens. Now whenever I kiss a girl I feel nothing. Its like im in a front row seat of watching myself and my life fall apart slowly but surly. I hate being around people because Im so ungenuine now I have no thoughts or feelings of my own so I just fake it. My head feels like its going to explode and the worst part is theres nothing I can do. It feels like everything is fake. Now I hang out with and people that I dont even like hanging out with. I feel so much pressure in my head and when I talk to people its like my head is spinning. Im about to go to college and its so fucking depressing that I am not going to be able to make any friends that I actually care about because I cant fucking feel. Getting drunk dosent even make me feel anything. Getting high makes me insainly paranoid. Its like everything is to real. Like everything is a big deal for no fucking reason and it pissis me off. Like are you fucking kidding me. I have one life and im not going to be able to make good friends or a family because I cant fucking feel anything towards people. But at the same time am calm (but not in a good way). Idk how to explain it. Its a feeling of not being able to get out. I cant get out. I feel like I need to rip my skin off. Sad songs dont even make me feel sad anymore. AS well its like I dont have any social awareness. i feel like im not aware of anything. It feels like im retarded. I want to build relationships but its like I cant. And forcing myself to have feelings wont work. I just feel like such a fuck. As well im watching my younger brother play for a soccer youth pro team and my other brother being happy and ok. It pisses me off that they get to have things that I didn't growing up. It feels like I was the test subject for my parents and now they know what to do with my brothers. Its like nothing matters. We are all going to die anyway. Like we only exist for max 110 years and then boom we are gone. We are so fucking small, insignificant. Like the universe is like acatrillion billion gagillion years old. We are nothing. ALl my friends are happy partying drinking all the time and im not. All my old friends just drink, smoke and do nothing. its like they have no personality. And now its happening to me. I feel like i have no identity. Im just an empty body on auto pilot. I cant enjoy anything. Only thing I like to do is jerk off and buy GTA dollars to get vehicls and shit. I used to be an energetic, funny, creative, deep, and real person but now its like im the exact opposite. Now I hate being around my brother because they just remind me of everything that im not. When i was growing up I allways wanted to be something great and now its like its impossible for that to happen. Im not even a real person now. My head hurts for most of the day. Im so parranoid all day. I try to do as much excersize as possible so I can just be so tired that I dont have enough energy to be stressed anymore. Its like im barley holding onto reality. I cant tell if things happen earlyer today or like a week ago. My memory is trash now and Im embarresed of myself. I feel like im allways trying to take something from other people. Like I need to find something that will cure me but i know nothing will. Im only 18 and feel old, tired, angry, annoyed at everything and serious.

Thats about all that I can think about for now.
I'm 17 and i have the same struggle, i suffered from abuse most of my childhood i litterally attempted 3 suicids when i was 8 and tried running away from home when i was 9 , from age 11 to 14 my mom (the abuser) got forced into a surgery by my father who was scared that qhe might develop a cancer , the abuse stopped but she becam crasy and couldn't forgive my father she totally neglected us and was constantly screaming over my father and slowly became crazy (dancing alone in the living room and bringing a chaman home) basically the whole package at school i was bullied cuz i was diffrent i was the nerd with no friend and wiered habitsi was in such constant stress and pain ig i just couldn't handle it from 14 until now wvwrything miraculously got solved my mom became normal and loving i became pretty and people started appreciating me i have good grades and a bright future only problem is that i can't fking feel anything i only have one friend that i'm extreamly attached to cuz she's the only one that makes me feel smtg whenever i feel tormented by my past or the fact that i can't feel the emotions that i used to feel i just imagine her holding me and it makes me feel better i really miss the way i felt when i run in the woods i miss the pain i felt the happiness everything now all i can do is cry without feeling anything the only things that makes me feel smt is jerking off , all those beutiful emotions turned into a void in my chest and the horrible feeling that time is passin me by and that i can't enjoy anything i just feel like i'm missing out on smt
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
I'm 17 and i have the same struggle, i suffered from abuse most of my childhood i litterally attempted 3 suicids when i was 8 and tried running away from home when i was 9 , from age 11 to 14 my mom (the abuser) got forced into a surgery by my father who was scared that qhe might develop a cancer , the abuse stopped but she becam crasy and couldn't forgive my father she totally neglected us and was constantly screaming over my father and slowly became crazy (dancing alone in the living room and bringing a chaman home) basically the whole package at school i was bullied cuz i was diffrent i was the nerd with no friend and wiered habitsi was in such constant stress and pain ig i just couldn't handle it from 14 until now wvwrything miraculously got solved my mom became normal and loving i became pretty and people started appreciating me i have good grades and a bright future only problem is that i can't fking feel anything i only have one friend that i'm extreamly attached to cuz she's the only one that makes me feel smtg whenever i feel tormented by my past or the fact that i can't feel the emotions that i used to feel i just imagine her holding me and it makes me feel better i really miss the way i felt when i run in the woods i miss the pain i felt the happiness everything now all i can do is cry without feeling anything the only things that makes me feel smt is jerking off , all those beutiful emotions turned into a void in my chest and the horrible feeling that time is passin me by and that i can't enjoy anything i just feel like i'm missing out on smt
I cant even cry. its like im faking crying because I dont REALLy feel the sadness. Its like its all tucked so deep in that i cant even accept that its there. And now life is passing me by and I cant expirience it. And im about to go to college for my first year and im already pissed because I know that I wont be able to make friends because Im just emotionally gone. Its like not matter the strength I have theres nothing I can do about it. and I already know that life is just going to pass me right by and then my mom will die, or my dad will die. And I wont be able to feel it and relize what has actually happend until like 5 or 10 years later. Then it will hit me and I will be so sad because I wasnt emtionally threre when they were alive. And its not like I can have a gf cus who in there right mind would want to be someone with so many fucking issues. I dont even accept myself.
 

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I cant even cry. its like im faking crying because I dont REALLy feel the sadness. Its like its all tucked so deep in that i cant even accept that its there. And now life is passing me by and I cant expirience it. And im about to go to college for my first year and im already pissed because I know that I wont be able to make friends because Im just emotionally gone. Its like not matter the strength I have theres nothing I can do about it. and I already know that life is just going to pass me right by and then my mom will die, or my dad will die. And I wont be able to feel it and relize what has actually happend until like 5 or 10 years later. Then it will hit me and I will be so sad because I wasnt emtionally threre when they were alive. And its not like I can have a gf cus who in there right mind would want to be someone with so many fucking issues. I dont even accept myself.
If you're that worried just seek for help from a professional you have the chance to live in a country with the best doctors .
Personally the only thing that worked for me was remembering every trauma i went through and tried remembering the pain, the fear , the anxiety and the loneliness i felt and i realised how this shit began , just when i started feeling those emotions i "escaped " and started seeing it as if it wasn't my own memories but someone else's and i litterally felt the way i was disconnecting myself , and now i can feel whenever i do it and stop myself and try my best to feel the negative emotion fully
 

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I cant even cry. its like im faking crying because I dont REALLy feel the sadness. Its like its all tucked so deep in that i cant even accept that its there. And now life is passing me by and I cant expirience it. And im about to go to college for my first year and im already pissed because I know that I wont be able to make friends because Im just emotionally gone. Its like not matter the strength I have theres nothing I can do about it. and I already know that life is just going to pass me right by and then my mom will die, or my dad will die. And I wont be able to feel it and relize what has actually happend until like 5 or 10 years later. Then it will hit me and I will be so sad because I wasnt emtionally threre when they were alive. And its not like I can have a gf cus who in there right mind would want to be someone with so many fucking issues. I dont even accept myself.
And another thing that makes me feel smt is any song by alexandra savior her music is like small doses of extreme melancholy, anger , jealousy ,lonliness and pain even though people tell me that her music is way too depresive , i don't see her that way , it's not like the "billie eilish" and xxxtentacion kind of sad lol more like an emotional french movie from the 90s the type of movie that you watch until the end and still don't know what the plot actually was
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
And another thing that makes me feel smt is any song by alexandra savior her music is like small doses of extreme melancholy, anger , jealousy ,lonliness and pain even though people tell me that her music is way too depresive , i don't see her that way , it's not like the "billie eilish" and xxxtentacion kind of sad lol more like an emotional french movie from the 90s the type of movie that you watch until the end and still don't know what the plot actually was
ok ill check her out. Ive found that accepting feelings and reality is a big part of it. I relized that I have bad habits of disconecting myself from other people. The way that I have become scares me so much that Its hard to get back up knowing the person i turned into. Accepting things used to be so easy but at some point the saddness turned into anger and I said no and started to fight back and not accept things and just fight them. I got so lost in that, that I completly lost myself. Now I have turned into the very person that I would have hated 3 years ago. Letting things go is hard, being honest is hard, trusting is hard and just everything that makes life living is hard. Its so annoying cus now I dont even really wanna have fun. Like I want to want to have fun but I dont really feel it. Im serious all the time, distant, and I judge everything. I dont judge people out loud but so many judgy thoughts come in my head and it scares me so much that im doing that. Like 4 years ago I loved to have fun. I was really funny. But now its all in the past. I focus on everyone else now because mentally im running away from my life. I hate to admit when im wrong now because it hurts. way more than it should. A lot of stuff feels like an attack on me when in reality its not at all. Im so defensive. When im around my brothers it dosent feel like im their brother. It feels like im a parrent. Im scared to have fun and let everything go because ill be genuine and ill be vulnerable. Genuinly trying and failing scares me so much. Now i barley even try. I lie to myself that I try but I really dont. As well in middle school and high school I was genuine and no one cared. Like they enjoyed hanging around me but then at the end of the day they wouldnt care. i would be alone. So now I just prentend to be something im not so that I dont have to be alone. But it dosent feel like anything. Im just so tired of trying so hard for my friends or a girl and then to just be overlooked at the end of the day. All my friends think about is drinking and drugs. I just want to genuinly have fun and enjoy each other. Like go to fun activities and enjoy things that are REAL. When I used to be genuine I felt kind of like a side charecter to every group of people my age. Like I already couldnt win at home with my mom and its like everyone at school was turning away from me to do drugs and juul n shit. Now ive turned into that person because I didnt want to be alone. Now I have to refind myself and im trying to rush it and not REALLY try at whatever im doing.

I may have said some of this stuff before but thanks for reading and thanks for responding
 

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I feel so fake and every time I talk to someone I feel so guilty because im fake. Like I dont actually mean anything I say. I cant commit to anything. Its like I cant have an emotional conection to anyone anymore. The most annoying part is that me and my brothers are distansing from each other now and its like I cant do anything except sit and watch as it happens. Now whenever I kiss a girl I feel nothing. Its like im in a front row seat of watching myself and my life fall apart slowly but surly. I hate being around people because Im so ungenuine now I have no thoughts or feelings of my own so I just fake it. My head feels like its going to explode and the worst part is theres nothing I can do. It feels like everything is fake. Now I hang out with and people that I dont even like hanging out with. I feel so much pressure in my head and when I talk to people its like my head is spinning. Im about to go to college and its so fucking depressing that I am not going to be able to make any friends that I actually care about because I cant fucking feel. Getting drunk dosent even make me feel anything. Getting high makes me insainly paranoid. Its like everything is to real. Like everything is a big deal for no fucking reason and it pissis me off. Like are you fucking kidding me. I have one life and im not going to be able to make good friends or a family because I cant fucking feel anything towards people. But at the same time am calm (but not in a good way). Idk how to explain it. Its a feeling of not being able to get out. I cant get out. I feel like I need to rip my skin off. Sad songs dont even make me feel sad anymore. AS well its like I dont have any social awareness. i feel like im not aware of anything. It feels like im retarded. I want to build relationships but its like I cant. And forcing myself to have feelings wont work. I just feel like such a fuck. As well im watching my younger brother play for a soccer youth pro team and my other brother being happy and ok. It pisses me off that they get to have things that I didn't growing up. It feels like I was the test subject for my parents and now they know what to do with my brothers. Its like nothing matters. We are all going to die anyway. Like we only exist for max 110 years and then boom we are gone. We are so fucking small, insignificant. Like the universe is like acatrillion billion gagillion years old. We are nothing. ALl my friends are happy partying drinking all the time and im not. All my old friends just drink, smoke and do nothing. its like they have no personality. And now its happening to me. I feel like i have no identity. Im just an empty body on auto pilot. I cant enjoy anything. Only thing I like to do is jerk off and buy GTA dollars to get vehicls and shit. I used to be an energetic, funny, creative, deep, and real person but now its like im the exact opposite. Now I hate being around my brother because they just remind me of everything that im not. When i was growing up I allways wanted to be something great and now its like its impossible for that to happen. Im not even a real person now. My head hurts for most of the day. Im so parranoid all day. I try to do as much excersize as possible so I can just be so tired that I dont have enough energy to be stressed anymore. Its like im barley holding onto reality. I cant tell if things happen earlyer today or like a week ago. My memory is trash now and Im embarresed of myself. I feel like im allways trying to take something from other people. Like I need to find something that will cure me but i know nothing will. Im only 18 and feel old, tired, angry, annoyed at everything and serious.

Thats about all that I can think about for now.
What you are feeling is real but you are not fake. You have a disorder that other people sometimes experience but is not as common as depression or anxiety. There are things you can do to start feeling better but you need to be patient. If you have access to a professional psychologist please reach out to one and make sure they are familiar with Depersonalization Disorder. It is temporary symptoms of feeling detached from others but does NOT mean you are going crazy. You can lesson the symptoms or control them with practice, taking care of tour health, focussed breathing, focused attention to nature or other items to help you focus less on your out of body thoughts. It sucks that you are going through this but others also are struggling and you are not alone. My teenage sons suffers from this and now that we know what DP is , he is starting to make progress to feeling much better. I hope you start feeling better soon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
What you are feeling is real but you are not fake. You have a disorder that other people sometimes experience but is not as common as depression or anxiety. There are things you can do to start feeling better but you need to be patient. If you have access to a professional psychologist please reach out to one and make sure they are familiar with Depersonalization Disorder. It is temporary symptoms of feeling detached from others but does NOT mean you are going crazy. You can lesson the symptoms or control them with practice, taking care of tour health, focussed breathing, focused attention to nature or other items to help you focus less on your out of body thoughts. It sucks that you are going through this but others also are struggling and you are not alone. My teenage sons suffers from this and now that we know what DP is , he is starting to make progress to feeling much better. I hope you start feeling better soon.
What you are feeling is real but you are not fake. You have a disorder that other people sometimes experience but is not as common as depression or anxiety. There are things you can do to start feeling better but you need to be patient. If you have access to a professional psychologist please reach out to one and make sure they are familiar with Depersonalization Disorder. It is temporary symptoms of feeling detached from others but does NOT mean you are going crazy. You can lesson the symptoms or control them with practice, taking care of tour health, focussed breathing, focused attention to nature or other items to help you focus less on your out of body thoughts. It sucks that you are going through this but others also are struggling and you are not alone. My teenage sons suffers from this and now that we know what DP is , he is starting to make progress to feeling much better. I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thank You. I have reached out t a psychologist and am going to see what happens from there.

Thanks for answering
 
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