[CrazyKid]

I've fought with depersonalization for about 6 years now first it started with little "episodes" of feeling a cartoonish high (I would just brush it off) but then it got to a point where it was more often. Then it just turned into 24/7. I reached what I thought was rock bottom,but I was able to cope with it for a good 4 months but now it just hit me like a train with the full package. Its worse now like I get panic attacks around the same time of day now 6pm-11pm. I was always a messed up kid,I used to have crazy nightmares and night terrors for no reason. I always freaked out over little things as well (I still do). I also always was anti social and scared. I am so dull now and I have bad episodes where it is a full blown "high" and depression and fear. It got so bad the other day i cried to my sister and told her i cant live like this anymore. She was able to calm me down. But im tired of this HELL. I dont know what made me like this. I mean when I was younger we were very poor and spent most of our lives in shelters and horribke homes, but none of that really got to me. Now im scared i am going to slip into insanity. I just need someone to understand me and tell me if this really is just depersonalization and give me true advice. Im scared that i have a worser mental illness. I feel like I am gripping onto reality by a thread. I am so scared. I dont want to be crazy. I want to be me. I want to be happy. I want to just wake up one day and be free from this hell of mine.

Sorry if i am all over the place my mind is constantly racing and im just so scared

 

[Stardvst]

The more you try to recover, the more you think about it. The more you think about it, the longer it stays with you. You're not alone in this, mate. You won't go insane, you wont go crazy, you just have to endure this hell. You will get out of it eventually, but you'll need to stop worrying about it because the more you do the worse it gets. Also not to be insensitive but you really shouldn't post something like this in recovery stories. This section is supposed to be a beacon of hope for a lot of people and seeing these posts on here is really discouraging. Please post in the general discussion or something.

 

[CrazyKid]

Thank you Stardvst, and sorry i am new to this website and i has no idea i was posting in the recovery section

 

[Phantasm]

No problem, thread moved to discussion

 

[dope]

It's ok. You will be ok. Breath in, breath out.

I also thought some of my childhood problems didn't affect me, but they did. Truly think it through, something might have affected you.
Please message me for advice, I'm always open. I might take a few hours to reply, but I eventually do.

 

[Pondererer]

Funny thing is, as im better these days, things like dying, going "insane" etc doesnt scare me at all. In fact i welcome it. Bring it on! Just get it overwith already! Anything, and i mean anything is better than being stuck in that nothingness and perpetural state that DP is.

Will i die? Good! I dont wanna live like this.

Will i go straight to hell?GOOD!i dont wanna get into the heaven of a psychotic god that operates like this anyway.

 

[caseyb086]

Funny thing is, as im better these days, things like dying, going "insane" etc doesnt scare me at all. In fact i welcome it. Bring it on! Just get it overwith already! Anything, and i mean anything is better than being stuck in that nothingness and perpetural state that DP is.

Will i die? Good! I dont wanna live like this.

Will i go straight to hell?GOOD!i dont wanna get into the heaven of a psychotic god that operates like this anyway.

I thought you were doing much better on meds? Things like this scare me like I will be stuck like this forever and never feel any different

 

[CrazyKid]

Thank you guys. I am so suprised to see such quick responses from people who know what im going through. I am currently working on changing certain aspects of my life to see if that works out. Also I am just trying to ignore it and think more positive. There are good days and bad days. It comforting to know there are people out there who can speak from experience.

 

[Pondererer]

I thought you were doing much better on meds? Things like this scare me like I will be stuck like this forever and never feel any different

They help me, yes, that's true. But its not like it's Black and white. They make me feel Just a little bit more calm and collected, and help me sleep. Its Been a Long and slow process.

Other than that, i Have 2 powerful tools.

1.organized life

2.distractions

By organized, i mean having a clean room, good habits etc. Become a minimalist and make your life as simple as possible.

Distractions can be literally anything. I recently bought a New desktop computer, and spent many hours optimizing pc /Windows 10.(Windows suckz these days). Just find things to do/fix. Fixing things gets your reward / dopamine systems working.

 

[caseyb086]

How long have you had this ?

 

[CrazyKid]

I've had it for about 6 years going on 7

 

[caseyb086]

I've had it for about 6 years going on 7

Wow... your a fucking hero... I don't know if I could handle it for that long

 

[allison84]

Has it been chronic for the whole 6 years ?

 

[Qaise64]

Hello . Same here i have been depersonalized for 7 years chronic. Only last year i was out of depersonalization / derealization for only 1 day.

I have PTSD DP DR

 

[CrazyKid]

It slowly started getting more constant over the years until it got to 24/7 it bothers me sometimes but i just live with it. Keeping myself distracted and busy really helps. Only when i am left to my own mind with nothing to do does it bother me. Bad days are BAD. Good days are something ive learned to be grateful for though.

 

[CrazyKid]

Its a struggle huh. It can be very hard and sometimes scare the LIVING sh*t out of you but i say we fight. I for one am not going to give in. Remember that there are bad days and good ones(my post is sort of an example of my thought process on a bad day). Give it your all and live as much as you can. F*ck this disorder