That's what this search is. That's why you work so hard at it. That's why you're here.
I'm not speaking in analogies. I mean exactly that...less the camouflage garb, the 100 round mag glock and night vision, a rescue mission all the same.
The question is: "who" are trying to save?
The DP'ers says "I just wanna feel like I used to when I was normal."
I assure you it's very likely you weren't as normal as you think you were before the DP. It's what got you in this mess. And the operative words in statements above are "I" and "who." Always come back to that because the "I" and the "who" is both the question and the point.
In previous posts, I made mention that much of DP can be a war between the person you actually are and the person you think you are. Or think you "should" be or "should have" been. And the reason you're confused about that -rather, the reason you don't have the emotional recall & continuity of a healthier person, is because developmental trauma has interrupted your ability to process those distinctions about yourself.
The real YOU is fighting for it's life. It wants to be aware.
It sounds subtle but when speaking in dissociative terms, it's a great divide. Because it wants to be aware but it doesn't remind you that some of the parts of being yourself really, really, really, really suck. LOL
In the world between knowing and actually knowing, think grand friggin canyon.
So it's a mission who needs a hero with courage (still not speaking in analogies). And with DP the rescue process doesn't go in a straight line. It's a trial & error of strategies upon strategies- failed attempts, wrong approaches, scattered efforts and days where you might just actually believe all is lost.
Not so.
And I don't mean it to "sound" inspiring. Eff inspiration! lol You know what inspires me? Feeling like my hands, my voice, my mind and body are the same person- whole, continuous and in the moment. And I have felt that way on and off for a long while now. But I had to face some hard things. So will you. DP is struggle with awareness, feeling and how it relates to you continuously.
The events in your life that brought you here weren't easy to come to and won't be easy getting out either. My point is, you can follow any script you want from someone whose got there or been "cured. But their outcome, that specific method, their strategy may not work for you. One mans cure is another man frustration. That can be discouraging. Don't let it. What I will say is, if you are having moments where you see yourself (literally), moments where you remember and feel humiliation, shame, guilt, grief, sadness or fear then THAT my friend that's a good day in this mission.
You made a salvage. You reached a piece of you that wasn't available to you before. Maybe the feelings didn't stay long and maybe they absolutely sucked to have to go thrul. Good. That's okay. Do it again. The fact that you are able to experience them at all is a small victory. Truly. And the small victories inevitably get bigger.
I didn't have a Harris Harrington in my corner during the toughest part of this thing and while I knew I wasted a whole lot on time the symptoms of my DP, I'm glad that many of the realizations about why I have DP I came to I came to on my own. And I do not say that from standpoint of arrogance, (you cannot just "think" your way out of DP I don't care how smart you are). I say it because hard earned experience sticks better-and active learning is a lot different from instructional learning- especially in DP.
For those of you who struggle and work hard to regain your true sense of yourselves this message is specifically for you.
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