[Scattered]

I'm scared because I feel as if I'm not here. But I'm also scared to come back and face the type of person I am and the type of circumstances I've created for myself. I feel as if any sense of happiness that I could ever possibly have is a simple veneer for a black nothingness that exists inside. Its just a matter of time before I no longer have control, and have receded completely into some abstract madness. I wish I had a happy outgoing self to return to but I've never been happy or outgoing. I've never had any connection. I have no connection to myself, my family, the few acquaintences I know. I'm a free floating lump of flesh existing on the earth for god knows what reason. I desperately want to be one of those simple people who have no worries and are able to go on with life without examining it. Once the superficial structure I place on life falls away I'm left grasping for a sense of security that I can't find. I want to be able to live, I want these foreign objects and people around me to have meaning and inspire joy or happiness. I don't want to go out like this, slowly but surely losing my grip on things.

 

[Guest]

i hope we all get out of this disorder before we die. i wouldn't want my worst enemy to die with dp/dr.

i'm just trying to hang onto my life so i've something to return to if the day ever comes. i know i haven't had dp as long as some people have had, but hope doesn't look good.

 

[sebastian]

don't have much to say Billy Brown, except that i know what you're going through...have been there in the absolute worst of times...and have gotten better...have slip slided away...and slip slided back. Nothing permanent is happening to you, and no matter how "far gone" you may feel, even if it's to the point where you're thinking "Well, sebastian couldn't have meant this far gone..." (in fact, you'll inevitably toy with this notion, like i did), you will ALWAYS be able to come back. All it takes is the discipline to stop self-examining, engaging in "normal activities" (in spite of all the inclinations you may have not to), and the resiliance not to let yourself get down in the dumps about it. That sounded simpler than i meant it to be...it isn't that easy...but i guess what i'm meaning to say is that it isn't anything physical or permanent...we are creating our own hell, and we can also break down the walls when we feel strong enough.

In any case, good luck...and fight the power...

 

[Scattered]

Thanks for the response to my stupid post. I get into moods sometimes and feel the need to vent without thinking. I did get out of it, it seems like im out of the bad feeling every morning and back into it every night. Tonight I'll be crazy again, estranged from everyone and everything. Tomorrow morning I'll feel fine again, etc etc. I feel like im in some sort of weird funhouse my moods just tend to sway back and forth, normal then scared and fucked up again.

I always do get out of it. I've never stayed in it. The problem is that when I am in it im IN IT. As in I feel like I'll never escape and things will never be the same again. But they always do return. I don't know, I guess I just have to have some sort of faith that I won't go completely over the edge. All experiences would lead me to this, but as you know our minds can hold on to completely irrational thoughts over and over again.

 

[Da'Burgh]

What has been helping for me is to just say to yourself "This is the DP/DR working.. so what? This has happened before and will keep happening unless I just don't give a shit about it." Try as hard as you can to do normal activities and when you get that feeling just say "Whatever. Just DP. Can't hurt me."

 

[Guest]

Scattered, I am just about fully recovered. I would have to say 98% I wouldn't say completely because I do have a fleeting feeling of depersonalisation maybe once every 2 months when driving along in the car. But I want to tell you & everybody else that these moods, feelings & thoughts are all a result of DP/DR. Even coming out of it you feel lost like you'll never be able to live the same way again & that somethign is missing etc.

Let me tell you, its all a farce. You completely & utterly return to normal & you look back on this experience as something weird & awful. Your feelings & emotions will stabilise, you will feel a sense of completeness & you will feel you belong & most of all you will feel content in yourself.

You guys possibly can not imagine this ever happening. Even as I was getting better the feelings of something missing etc plagued me. But over time as I got more involved in reality & making a life for myself I began to feel normal again.

Guys you will too!

 

[Guest]

Charger, what happens when you look back on your dp/dr and pre-dp/dr days? do you feel you were alive in those years now? or do those memories just feel like missing time?

 

[Scattered]

yeah that would be nice.

Tonight I continued to think about why I even exist or am alive. I looked around at people and saw walking bags of flesh. I thought that I was nothing more than an animal with a lump of meat in my skull that allows me to have these thoughts. As I progressively get older this body and its organs will deteriorate slowly until my death. I didn't want to be me living this life under these circumstances. My family is supportive but they simply don't understand these thoughts. I'm connected to no one and it seems as if I'll never be able to have any type of relationship because I exist in a different state of consciousness.

The world has no meaning and my life has no purpose. I could have died or have been seriously injured in a car accident a few days ago, I wondered why I survived. At first I was happy to be spared any pain and yet now I feel nothing, just that I'll be around for a while longer. Long enough until I inevitably contract some sort of physical illness or at least long enough for my mental state to deteriorate.

I'm not always like this. The reason why I think I'm different is because it seems as if others have had some positive expereinces of "connectedness" in the past. I don't think I've had those experiences. My life has been extraordinarily easy physically. My parents have money, I have money, this allows me the priviledge of continuing to isolate myself. I've never accomplished anything and have no motivation to do anything but sit here, play videogames, watch movies, trying to pass the time.

I want to get better, I want to connect. I realize that I'm irrationally negative, that there really is something positive out there to grasp. People will continue to tell me to get out there, do something, live. I don't know how. And I'm scared.

 

[Guest]

Yes I can totally relate to all those thoughts & feelings. Its called depression. As they say, this too shal pass. You can't see no light at the end of the tunnel right now. You keep thinking these wacky thoughts. Ofcourse noone can relate they are on a different level of consciousness. Really if they could relate would it make you feel any better? NO of course not!

Get off your butt & get reality back into your life. This is the only way you will ge better!

 

[livinginhell333]

scattered i feel the same exact way you do. Like i don't exist and i have the same thoughts as you. i don't know what to do. its also hard for me to do activities because i feel no physical pain at all. like i tried playing basketball yesterday and amazingly my shot is pretty good cuz i was making all my 3's, but it didn't seem real and i didn't really have that much fun playing, but it was something. some day i will love basketball again. playin and watchin it.