Without telling the internet my life story, it's difficult to explain how, or why even I am the way I am. Needless to say, I still carry the experiences with me. They have effected almost every aspect of my life, life choices, major life events, etc...
As I grew up, out and away from the traumas, it was never talked about by my caregivers or even acknowledged as to seem nothing bad ever has, or will ever happen again. My memories stayed alive inside of me, wreaking havoc on how I viewed myself and other people, unfortunately. So here I am, 30 and trying to maintain a stable life with a family to take care of and to nurture.
Some days I'm okay, but not so much anymore. Most times I struggle and battle almost every minute to be who I think I should be. The times where I feel nothing are the worst. Death becomes one my closest of friends, but I never follow through for the sake of my partner. He tries hard to help anyway he knows how, and always finds a way to make me smile and laugh. He deserves a lot better of a wife than one who makes him endure stress and grief, embarrassment and confusion. My coping mechanisms are much better than they used to be, and therapy have helped in almost all areas. But this crops up from time to time, and probably will, cyclically, for the rest of time I walk the earth.
Here, I know and see that I am not alone. I know that people here have had it, and are having it a lot worse than me. I truly hope they can one day KNOW and FEEL relief and are set free from what makes them suffer so much. But until that happens, I'll keep trying to abide in whatever state/non-state of reality is happening and try to come out of the other side of it, victoriously or defeated. Thanks for reading.