When it happens, I can't feel hunger, anger, sadness, hope, or joy. I feel completely set apart and disconnected, removed.
Yesterday I had to make a stop at a friend of mine's house while I was in the area. I needed to feed my baby and I live 25 minutes away. They recently moved to a house one street over in a similar structured home. It QUICKLY became hard for me to feel like I was actually in their house. I kept seeing their old walls and lighting through their old house come through the windows. Hearing noises and voices down the hall, seeing shadows and things looked bent, distorted. Their faces became difficult for me to recognize.
Then, she asked me what I thought about the arrangement of the room.... I actually had to look around (AH! Please no please no!) So I did. I was able to recall how her former house was positioned throughout the years. But I feel so severed here. Unwelcome and not wanted in my own skin.
Distractions can help, and sometimes they make it worse. Her husband then turned on the blender. The sound of the high-pitched whirring motor helped get my attention and helped bring me back, I could focus better.
Little Trauma Story-
I was a little girl, 4 years old.
I was visiting my druggie mom and dad
The usual 2 days a month- somehow, unsupervised visits were still allowed
This man who says he's my dad grabs my arm
And dragged me screaming and crying, he's turning on the garbage disposal
He then lifted my light little body onto the kitchen counter
And began trying to harm me
Feeding my arms and legs down into the loud roaring machine under the sink.
After enough close calls and a few interruptions from my drugged mom.
He laughs at me, starts smacking and hitting me and then rapes and molests me long enough until my body would shut down from the shock
I would always wake up on a bed that they said was mine. It was hard and cold with a clown design
The woman put me in a bathtub and filled it.
She left me in it and left the room. I stayed in it until it was just too cold.
I was sore and scared.
I know I'm not alone here. Changing environments can be pretty painful, and behaviorally disruptive -this is tragically annoying for me still and it sucks. But with each changing, ending or season, new good things can start to begin.
I know it's not exactly what people like to hear, thanks for reading.