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This "episode" has been going on so long, and the severity has been hitting in waves, such that I've begun wondering if it's even real, to begin with. Another of my brain's games, I suppose? I'm not sure anymore. It's quite cruel, really; putting me in this episode and then telling me it's not real.

Logically I know that I am in a dp/dr event. I'm extremely disconnected from everything, time is leaving me behind, and there's this strange film on everything -- on worse days, it's like everything is rotting around me. My brain, my thoughts, my actions once again feel separated from myself; I'm doing, saying, thinking things I don't want to and feeling like I have no control over it. I feel blank. Dead. My emotions are missing. I know that all proves to me that I'm still in the deep end, but it's like my brain is refusing to believe it. I have to be faking it, I'm just making excuses for my laziness etc. etc. Dumb thoughts like that.

I don't know when this will end, and I'm growing wearier by the day. The more this drags on, the more pleasant death seems. A release from this hell. A break. Anything. I'm desperate. Talking to people won't solve it, you reading this right now means nothing. Getting it off my chest means nothing. No one can fix my head.
I'm not in danger, and I will not act on my dangerous thoughts. But they're there, and very loud. I know that there is a way through, but I don't know what it is or when it'll come. I wish I could just sleep it off, or time skip like it's some video game. (Though I know that in the future, I will look back on this and feel like it was a time skip, my memories of now won't be there, and that's a scary thought.)

I feel like a spectator.

It's funny. Other people have begun to notice. My mother caught me spacing out ask asked if I was okay, and how my meds were going. They aren't helping. I've just had to leave university early because of how out of it I feel. I know that if I was given the chance I'd quite literally disappear through the cracks until the episode is over. My friends are making sure to keep in me check and my physical body somewhat present, even when my mind isn't. they wouldn't stand for it if I just stopped showing up and/or talking to them, as much as I wish they would. I just want to be alone.

I don't really know where this post is going. I feel like I'm losing my mind again and there's not a single person I can tell because it's been happening so often that there's nothing no one can do or say about it. I fear people are growing sick of me being like this. I know I am.
 

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Everything you do including the thoughts you think may feel like they are wrong, you may also feel a sense of struggling with something so simply fixed that there is a deep sense of regret in this problem you have. I saw earlier in another post you saying that life events are stressful and are met with despair and anxiety. Listen, this type of cycle is what I have been meeting for the passed 5 years and I鈥檒l do my best to tell you a few things. When you say that nothing can fix it, I want to be clear that you are narrowing the possibility of thought going a different way. In a silly and almost magical kind of way, the more you think that all of it is ok the better it will get. Your mind has been experiencing a cycle of torture, but this kind of torture can be stepped out of.

Can get better might not be good enough for you though, and the fact that it can be better might make you suffer more because you know how much better life can feel. If that鈥檚 the case then in order to step out of this cycle, you鈥檙e going to want to embrace all of it. The fact that it can get better and the fact of your suffering. This might not make much sense at first glance but you鈥檙e just so sick of the suffering and you just want out. You are monitoring every moment that goes by on how well you are doing and this monitoring is kind of like putting pressure. Is it possible for you to be aware of yourself and your thoughts without having a negative reaction to them? Is it possible if you can not be miserable because you are suffering? I鈥檓 saying your suffering has to come to the lime light and you need to look at it in it鈥檚 face. Please tell me what you think about all this.
 
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